Josh Holland - Meeting Maureen

 

Thanks. So, I am in a pickup truck, and I get out and I look in the rearview mirror, because I want to see my face as my birth mother will see it for the first time in 39 years. I look tired and I look like I've been thinking about this moment a little too long. It's Alki Beach in West Seattle. I don't know if anyone knows Seattle, but you're over on the west and then there's Seattle over here and so there's a beach there. It's December, so it's empty. 

 

I turn around from the pickup and I see there's just an empty beach and there's a small Statue of Liberty statue to my left. Many hundreds of yards away, I could see one figure. She's got a leather jacket, red hair. I can see at a distance, black jeans. I know it's her. 

 

I start walking towards her, and it's like one of those people movers in the airports, you're just suddenly already over there. She's standing in front of me and she says, "Oh, here you are." I give her a big hug. She's so strong. I step back and I see for the first time in my life, except for the pictures she sent me, someone who looks like me. First time ever. I don't know if anybody else is adopted in the room, but that's a pretty intense moment. And then, as I'm hugging her, I have this-- the only time I've ever had this thought I have this physical response to her physical self. I'm from eastern Washington. I identify with it really strongly, but I'm from her.

 

I step back, and we'd exchanged letters and emails and so on, but this is the first time we're talking. She's on my left and we're walking down the beach. She is walking and just looking at me and she says, "Well, tell me everything." She's not joking. [audience laughter] And so, I start talking about this, I got a bunch of great friends and what I'm doing with my life and so on and so forth. She presses me, the questions and questions, and I'm walking, she's right here. Every time I look, she's just looking at me. I don't know if anybody knows teachers or principals or cops, [audience laughter] but there's this look that people who are good at this do where they're watching everything you do. 

 

She's doing it the whole time. She wants to know about everything, even stuff I've already said in the letter she's asking about. We walk down the beach. It's an empty beach, very beautiful. Water on the left side, houses on the right. I don't know if anyone's ever been subjected to that sort of gaze over time, but it's exhausting. The minute careful noticing. This is how my genetic son moves his hand when he's telling a story. This is how my genetic son moves his feet when he's walking on the beach. This is how my genetic son fixes his coat, this is how my genetic son moves his head away when he's nervous about how I'm looking at the side of his face. [audience laughter] We go down the beach.

 

Finally, I'm able to redirect the conversation a little bit to her and ask about what it's like to be a critical care nurse and tell me about owning horses, tell me about your sisters. She has four, and brothers one. As soon as it gets to her, she redirects to me. More and more, we get to the bar. Oh, I find it very difficult to face her. I can't really bring myself to square off, because it's so intense, because I'm sensing what it's like as far as a son can or any adopted kid can, what it's like to finally have that baby back in front of you. 

 

So, we go down the beach. We get to a bar. You have to sit across from someone in restaurants. That's the rules. [audience laughter] And so, I find myself shifting to the waiter, so I can deflect, because it's so intense, you know? This is how my son orders an IPA. [audience chuckle] This is how my son orders the second IPA, [audience laughter] and so on. We go back the other way. It's getting dark and it's still happening, the intensity. I'm really tired. 

 

We get almost to the Statue of Liberty, almost there. She's not next to me all of a sudden. I turn around and she's back a bit. I go back and I say, “What's up?” And she's like, “Are you mad at me?” And I said, “No, why would I be mad at you?” She said, “For giving you up.” And I was like, “No.” And then, I realized what this was all about, you know? I squared off with her shoulder to shoulder in the fading dark on Alki Beach, and I said, “Maureen, my life is full of beauty. I have so many friends, loving family. Stuff wasn't always great with my folks, but we worked it out like every family does, and I love them very much. Got two sisters, and my whole life I've chased my dreams. So, no, [chuckles] I'm not mad at you. What you did as a 19-year-old girl in eastern Washington was one of the bravest things I even know about.” I don't know if you guys have had that experience where you don't know something isn't in place until it falls into place. But I saw it hit her and then hit me. Thank you very much.