Graham Shelby - Making the Team

 

When I was 15, I had a growth spurt. And it left me 6’3” and 200 pounds. So, I decided to join the high school football team. I did this partly, because people kept saying things to me like, “You play football, son?” [audience laughter] I could tell that “No” was not a satisfying answer. [audience laughter] I also did it to impress my dad. He'd been an all-conference wide receiver back in the day and he taught me the game. We didn't just go and throw football. No, we would run plays in the yard, a post pattern, a flea flicker, some button hooks. I guess I did it because I wanted to solidify our connection, because at this point, I was 5 inches taller and 50 pounds heavier than he was. [audience laughter] And that was weird. [audience laughter] 

 

On the first day of practice, the coaches led us down to this dark, dank, grimy weight room for a strength test. I'm getting ready to do my first set of squat thrusts, and one of the coaches comes through and just announces to everyone, “Now remember, gentlemen, football doesn't build character. It reveals character.” Okay. And that inspired the guy next to me to get in my face and say, “Come on, man, don't quit. Punish yourself. Punish yourself.” I really wanted him to shut up, [audience laughter] because I really didn't want everybody to notice that I was struggling with a barbell that had weights on it the size of donuts. [audience laughter] And I also was afraid that if they saw that, they would see right through me to the fact that I didn't feel big. 

 

I felt like the same goofy, awkward kid who'd gotten picked on, who'd avoided confrontation any chance he could. I still lived mostly in the world in my head, thinking about Superman and Captain Kirk and Woody Allen. [audience laughter] I wanted football to help change that. I wanted it to help me stand up for myself and feel as big on the inside as I looked on the outside. 

 

The next day, went to the trainer to get fitted for the pads and equipment and everything. And after a while, the trainer just said that there was not a helmet in the building that would fit me, because my head was too physically large. [audience laughter] He said, “Coach, we're going to have to special order one for this guy. Huge, really. No.” [audience laughter] I was assigned to work with the offensive line. These are big dudes who try to block the defense and protect the smaller guys who have the ball. I was trying to get the moves down and the coach came over, and gave me some tips and he said, “Son, when you get in the game, what you want to do is, get your elbow in there and bloody the guy's lip a little bit.” And I thought, “That's so mean.” [audience laughter] 

 

I almost said, “Coach, I don't really want to hurt anybody. Is that going to be a problem?” [audience laughter] And then, they gathered us all at the end of practice for an announcement, they said, “Gentlemen, we are holding a fundraiser to get some new weight equipment. We want each of you to take a pledge form, go around, talk to your friends, your neighbors, your relatives, and get them to agree to give a little bit of money for each pound that you lift, because we're going to have a public weightlifting display [audience laughter] next Saturday at the mall.” [audience laughter] 

 

And this was just multiple layers of humiliation just running through my head. I thought, what am I going to do? I get home, and I'm hyperventilating and I hear this voice in my head. And it sounded a little like Woody Allen circa 1986. And it just said, “You know, Graham, you don't have to play football. It's not required.” And my dad comes in and he says, “How was practice?” And without thinking to, I revealed my character, “Dad, this isn't me. I'm quitting the team.” 

 

I didn't know what he was going to say. He looked like he was thinking a hundred things at once. He left the room, and he came back a little later and his eyes were kind of shiny, but he said, “You do what's right for you.” I felt like a weight the size of a grimy barbell just fell right off my shoulders. I decided to start putting those daydreams on paper. Became a writer. I founded my school's literary magazine. Dad and I, still every once in a while, would go out, and run a few button hooks and flea flickers. It turned out that was the kind of football player I wanted to be. And that was good, because I'd already made the team. Thank you.