Anne McNamee-Keels - Makeover Madness

 

 

My story takes place in 1998, at a school on the South Side of Chicago. No joke. [audience laughter] But this was a Catholic school on the South Side of Chicago, and I was the student. It's April of 1998, Tuesday morning. I am in my polo shirt and my ugly uniform skirt, with a very heavy backpack full of math, science and religion textbooks, with my head down, getting onto that blacktop, behind the church, behind the school, before the first bell, just quietly slinking in as I normally do before the first bell. To say, I was not the cool girl in eighth grade is an understatement. So, I'll tell you what I was at this school.

 

I was the kid who had shown up, transferred to the school in fourth grade, which doesn’t sound like a big deal, but at a K-through-8 Catholic school, it’s like I had shown up to the birthday party after the candles had been blown out, like songs had been sung, alliances had been formed and there I was. [audience laughter] Also, no one had told me when I got to the school, I didn’t sign up, I was sent there, [audience laughter] that the main form of social capital was the sports you could play and the sports teams you were on. I was the kind of kid who all, but broke out in hives if I was a couple feet from a volleyball. I'm like the opposite of athletic. So, I was on zero sports teams.

 

I was a music, theater, art nerd at a school with no music, theater or art. [audience laughter] So, I became the kid who, at lunchtime, could be found reading a Babysitters Club book over her peanut butter and jelly instead of talking with my classmates. And my goal was to like, it’s April of eighth grade, right, so I’m putting my head down, get through. That’s the goal. So, I literally have my head down, getting onto that blacktop. But something weird is going on. I hear weird murmuring when I get there. I look up, and it seems like all the girls in my grade are looking at me. They are talking, I think about me. They are pointing at me. 

 

Oh, my gosh. So, I look down, like, do I have a stain on my uniform shirt? Did I spill something? I don’t think so. And I’m like, “Oh, God, did someone tell the entire grade who I have a crush on again?” But that doesn’t seem to be it. And then, Emma walks up to me. Now, Emma’s like the closest that I have to a good friend in my grade. We’re friends sometimes, and then not at other times. But today, she seems very excited. She says, “Oh, my gosh, have you seen the May issue of Teen magazine?” 

 

Now, for the young people, I just need to do a little quick background. [audience laughter] In the late 1990s, Teen magazine and others of its ilk, Seventeen, YM, they were our Instagram, our Facebook, our Pinterest, our TikTok. [audience laughter] They were how we knew how to dress, what makeup to do and how to do our hair. They were how we knew that we were not thin enough and were not yet pretty enough, but we could be, [audience laughter] if we followed. Also, there was always some weird story about a girl in white pants getting her period in front of her crush. [audience laughter] I’m not clear what that was, but they were our bible. 

 

And so, Emma says, “Did you see the May issue?” And I say, “It’s April.” And she says, “Oh, everyone in the grade has a subscription. We get it a week early,” which is another check against me. a; And so, she hands me the Teen magazine May issue, and she opens to page 14. And on page 14, y’all, is me. [audience laughter] There is a picture, my school picture, frizzy hair, blotchy skin, all of it. 

 

And then, I remember months prior, when I had been going through the December issue for the third time and I’d seen the tiny fine print, because I’m a big nerd. And it said that they were looking for girls who wanted makeovers. [audience laughter] I sent in my school picture [audience laughter] along with a letter detailing how my frizzy hair is a problem, how I can’t find makeup, because I’m a redhead, how my eyes are too small and my face is too blotchy and please help. So, did they give me a makeover, just to be clear? They didn’t give me a makeover. [audience laughter] They didn’t send me makeup samples. They didn’t even tell me they were using my picture. They just put my picture there along with a makeup artist telling me all the things to fix all my problems. [audience laughter]

 

So, of course, I'm horrified, right? Like, “Oh, my gosh, this is so embarrassing.” But I look up, and all these girls, they do not look like they're making fun of me. They look impressed, maybe even jealous. [audience laughter] Remember, this is before social media. I am in a magazine. Leonardo DiCaprio is on the front along with Jennifer Love Hewitt. [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause] 

 

And Titanic has just come out. Everyone is looking at this magazine, and there I am. So, the girls are freaking out. All the girls in my grade, and they're coming around me, and I don't know what to do with this attention. We get in school and somebody shows a teacher and it spreads like wildfire. [audience laughter] Teachers from all over the school are coming in to see the magazine that I am in, because they have me in previous years.

 

Later in the day, I get a call over the PA. “Ms. Harris, will you send Anne McNamee to the principal's office?” I never do anything wrong, but of course, I'm terrified, because what if I accidentally did something wrong? [audience laughter] So, I go to the principal's office. I hate this. But I get there, and my principal, who I can only describe as looking like Mr. Potato Head, [audience laughter] like very round face, mustache, glasses, like Mr. Potato Head. He is sitting in front of this desk with all these important papers. And on top of all those papers is Teen magazine with my picture. [audience laughter] And he says, “This is very impressive.” And I think, is it? [audience laughter] 

 

Later, there’s an announcement over the PA. And it just keeps going from here. I get home, my mom has already heard, she’s bought every copy she could find in the city. [audience laughter] My grandma, my aunt, a second cousin, my mom's second cousin gets a call from her sister saying, “Buy Teen magazine. We have a relative in it.” [audience laughter] It’s a really big deal. I go to my dance class, they’ve already had the picture up, framed behind the main desk. It’s really exciting for a while. And then, the excitement, it’s there, but it starts to fade and eventually everybody forgets, to be honest with you. The frame comes down, some other girl got in the newspaper for something, and now she goes up and everything just gets quiet. 

 

I think I thought it was going to be like the movies or something. I thought it would be like a 1990s movie, that my hair would get straightened and I would buy the makeup, which I did, and put it all on my face and I would be different. But the reality was I just did exactly what I was planning to do. I kept my head down, I got through eighth grade, I got to high school and things got a little better. 

 

Recently, I was going through boxes in my basement, and I went through a box that was all the stuff from my childhood bedroom, books, journals. And in it, I found the 1998 May issue of Teen magazine. And there I was on page 14, just a normal looking 13-year-old girl. 

 

I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could tell her that her hair would stay curly, but I would find products to fix it, you know? [audience laughter] I wish I could tell her she would eventually figure out the makeup thing. There was this thing called contouring coming up and it was going to be a big deal and a real game changer. [audience laughter] Mostly, I wish I could tell her that sports really weren’t going to matter. No one’s going to make her play dodgeball after she was 15. And that eventually she would get to live where she wanted to live, do the things she wanted to do and find her people. And eventually, she would feel like lifting her head up. Thank you.