Steve Zimmer - Lost in the Supermarket

 

It's 2010 and I'm 46, the age when emotionally retarded single men in New York try to replace their mommy girlfriends with daughter girlfriends. [audience laughter] But as usual, I'm trailing my peer group and I'm dating Kate, who has a 12-year-old son. Kate says I don't get to meet her son until we've been dating three months. And that's fine with me. I previously dated a woman with a kid and I'm still very close to them. They're my quasi family. I don't need two quasi families. That's not even counting the quasi family I grew up in. [audience laughter] 

 

So, Kate and I quickly develop a strong mutual bond, because she's a taker and I'm a giver, calculator, resenter. [audience laughter] So, time flies and we hit three months and Kate wants me to meet her son. And I say, let me think about it, because there's a lot of issues. There's a big ones like Kate's ex-husband and subtler ones like, for example, Kate and I experience sarcasm differently. [audience chuckle] Kate likes to make good-natured sarcastic comments about me, whereas I like to compile and analyze Kate's supposedly good-natured comments, [audience laughter] a process she refers to as Steve's psycho echo chamber, [audience chuckle] which is exactly the type of comment that goes in the chamber. [audience laughter] 

 

So, after five months of dating, I still haven't agreed to meet her son. Kate's discontent begins to color everyday conversation. One night I say, “Well, for dinner tonight, I made stuffed green peppers. But this time, I used ground turkey instead of ground beef, so they may not be as good.” And Kate says, “I have no illusions.” [audience chuckle] That night after dinner, we don't speak. I need to give Kate an answer about her son. My answer will clarify our relationship. In addition, for me, it will address the eternal New York men's dating question of, will I ever be an actual grown-up? [audience chuckle] And for Kate, it will address the eternal New York women's dating question of, what the fuck? [audience laughter] 

 

So, I decide I'm going to give Kate her answer within the week. I also decide to visit the supermarket. Now, it's already 11:30, so I go to the Food Emporium, which is open until midnight. So, at the Food Emporium, I walk around trying to figure out what I want. I find it in aisle three, half-gallon cartons of Edy’s Grand Light Ice Cream in the elusive seasonally available Girl Scout mint cookie flavor. Unfortunately, scumbags have hoarded all but five of the cartons. So, I take the remaining five [audience laughter] and head to the lone checkout line. Immediately, ahead of me in line is a woman, late 30s, no ring. She sees my ice cream and says, “Your kids are going to love you.” 

 

Now, let me just stop here and say that romantically speaking, I've never done anything drastic. I've never hit on a stranger and I've certainly never cheated on someone. But I'm 46 and the supermarket's closing soon, [audience laughter] so I say, “I don't have kids. I'm single.” And she says, “You must really like Girl Scouts.” [audience laughter] And I'm like, “Oh, no, no, the ice cream was on sale, half price,” which is a total lie. It's not on sale, but this way I don't seem suspicious. So, she says, “Would you hold my place in line? And I say, “Sure.”

 

And she's gone before I realize that she's going to get the ice cream, because it's on sale, except it's not on sale. [audience chuckle] She'll not only discover that I'm a liar, but also that I took all the Girl Scout ice cream, [audience laughter] even the damaged one. So, this woman's about to know me much better than Kate does, and so I need to run and somehow stop her. So, I turn to the guy behind me to ask him to hold my place in line, but he's hunched over his cell phone, so that no one can interrupt his meaningless conversation. Meanwhile, the woman I love has disappeared into aisle three and she'll be back soon with no illusions. I can't face her. So, I wheel my cart around and head to the far opposite corner of the store, ultimately settling in poultry.

 

I'll just wait here until she leaves the store. I figure 10 minutes. To keep the ice cream from melting during this wait, I place the Girl Scout cartons amongst frozen Purdue chickens. [audience laughter] The resulting diorama is unexpectedly sad. [audience laughter] Because it's such a mess. I need to go home and tell Kate that I'm not going to meet her son. I could have told her that two months ago if I didn't believe my own bullshit. By the time I return to the checkout line, it's all new people. In New York, there's always new people. The cashier is a 40-something woman with an oddly compassionate voice. She says, “Did you find everything you were looking for?” And I say, “Yes, thank you.” She probably knows I'm lying, but it's late and she gives me a smile. Thank you.