Sharon Zegen - Living The Dream

 

 

I was 33, and I really wanted a boyfriend. Everybody was in couples, or so it seemed. My friends were getting married, some were having kids. And I was dating. I was dating a lot, but I was tired of dating. I wanted to get to the living together, spend an evening in sweatpants in front of the TV, eat scrambled eggs for dinner, go to bed to sleep together without sleeping together. But I never made it that far. I felt inferior for not making it to the sweatpants stage. 

 

So, when I met this guy who was really into me, I thought to myself, this time, I'm going to pull through. I'm going to work really hard to make it stick. And it started well. We were dating. We were dating a lot. Spending weekends together. Obvious Fridays. And at some point, it was clear. I had a boyfriend. What an accomplishment, success. 

 

There were just a few hiccups. We had nothing in common. [audience laughing] I wasn't really attracted to him. [audience laughing] I basically wanted him gone. [audience laughing] So, I was living this battle between heart and mind for a few months until at some point I thought to myself, okay, enough. This is it. It's too much. I'm going to have the conversation with him. We're going to go up to this up north hiking this weekend. And on the way back, we'll talk. We'll look each other in the eyes, we'll hug it out and go our separate ways. 

 

Okay. So, we're on this mountain hiking when a guy in an ATV stops next to us and asks, “Do you want to ride to the top of the hill to see the view?” And we say, “Sure.” And we jump on. We get to the top of the hill and it's beautiful. And then, he turns the wheel to take us off the hill and puck, the whole thing flips over. As I fall to the ground, I think to myself, this isn't too bad, puck. I hit the ground. My boyfriend falls on top of me, the driver on top of my boyfriend. 

 

They get up and give me a hand, but I can't get up. There's pain shooting through my body from head to toe. And all I can say is, “Hospital.” So, my boyfriend takes me there, where I'm told that I broke my pelvis in five different places and my shoulder, and I need to be admitted to the hospital for six weeks for this to heal. 

 

So, now, I'm living my life in the hospital. My mom, who hasn't seen me naked in 20 years, [audience laughter] comes in every day for the shower ritual when she kneels in front of me and helps me soak my feet. My friends have a shift lift, so there's people with me all the time. And my boyfriend, he's also there, almost every day. He comes in with something sweet to eat. He sits around and watches the crappy TV with me. He helps me pass the time. I mean, he's a really likable guy. I just don't like him. [audience laughter] 

 

But I can't break up with him. What am I going to break up from? There's no boyfriend activity going on here. I'm helpless in a hospital bed. What am I going to say? I want to start seeing other patients? [audience laughter] So, you know, I just need to pull through. And also, I still have a boyfriend. 

 

So, six weeks finally go by and he comes to help me go home. I'm in a wheelchair at this point. He drives me home and gets me in the apartment. I take a shower, helps me get into my PJs. I'm on the couch and I say to him, “Hey, it's Thursday night. Don't you always play soccer on Thursday night?” And he says, “No, it's your first night back home. I want to stay with you.” I'm like, “No, no, no. Go, go, go. Just go.” And he does.

 

I'm home, and I'm in privacy, and it's quiet bliss and I think tomorrow we'll have that final conversation when the phone rings. It's him. He says only seven words, “I'm in the hospital, come get me.” So, I call my friend, she puts me in a wheelchair. She drives me to the car. She puts me in the car. She takes me out of the car, she puts me in my wheelchair. She pushes me down the long corridor that leads to the emergency room and out comes my boyfriend in a wheelchair. [audience laughter] 

 

He broke his leg playing soccer. It's going to take six weeks to heal. [audience laughter] Side note, this guy is disconnected from his family, has no close friends, lives in a four story walk up. I have no choice. I invite him to stay with me. [audience laughter] 

 

So, now, we're living together. [audience laughter] We're spending every night in sweatpants in front of the TV. [audience laughter] We're having scrambled eggs for dinner. [audience laughter] We're going to bed to sleep together, but we're not sleeping together. [audience laughter] I'm living the dream and it feels like a nightmare. [audience laughter] But I can't break up with him. He was so good to me. He took care of me. What am I going to do? Throw him out to the street? So, I just need to pull through. But at this point, it's like I'm doing time, okay? 

 

I finally moved from wheelchair to crutches, and I go back to my university classes and this cute guy I've been eyeing forever finally talks to me, but I can't see him. I have a boyfriend, right? This time period feels like forever. On the day that my boyfriend got his cast taken off from the hospital, he came home with Chinese food and he sat me down and said, “Listen, when I met you, I didn't really want a girlfriend, but I was so into you. The thing is that you wanted a boyfriend, but you're not into me.” We looked each other in the eyes, and we hugged it out and I felt relief sweep through my body. 

 

But at the same time, I started crying and crying, because I realized I don't have a boyfriend anymore. [audience laughter] Only a couple of months later, when I finally started dating that cute guy from university, 14 years and counting. I realized that when it sticks, you just don't have to work that hard. Thank you.