Kate Greathead - LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION

 

 

When I was in first grade, some people came to my school and made a movie about me. First, they followed me around for a few days to show what my life was like, and then they sat me down on a couch and asked me all these questions, like, did I believe in God? Was America a free country? What was the difference between Black people and white people? When they shot all the footage they needed and it was time for them to leave, I cried, because nothing this wonderful had ever happened to me. Would they promise to come back and make another movie about me? The good news was, yes, they did. The bad news was, not for seven years, which is a long, long time to wait when that’s how old you are.

 

So, the film is called the Up Series, and the premise is, take a bunch of seven-year-olds from different parts of the country, different socioeconomic backgrounds, interview them every seven years of their lives, see how they turn out. It’s a sociological, psychological study thing. If it sounds familiar, you’ve probably heard of the famous British Up Series. This is the American bootleg. [audience laughter] 

 

When I was seven, I attended a private school on the Upper East Side. So, I was chosen to be the privileged kid, the one everyone is rooting for. A seven-year-old’s dream come true is a 14 year-old’s nightmare. [audience laughter] When the film crew returned, I had some serious reservations. 

 

Well, my parents had just gotten divorced. I went to a new school where I had no friends. And you know when you’re the new kid in school and you have no one to sit with at lunch, so you come out with your tray of food and you find yourself weaving between the tables in the cafeteria, waiting for some kind soul to take pity on you and invite you to sit down? Imagine doing that with a film crew following you. [audience laughter] It was very dignifying. 

 

So, the reason I had no friends was more than just the fact that I was the new kid. It was because I had no personality. I had recently come to realize this [audience laughter] It made me very nervous for the interview portion of the shoot, because how do you answer questions about yourself when you have no self. 

 

So, the interview began with a lot of political questions, which was good because my parents were liberal Democrats, so I knew all the right answers. [audience laughter] How did I feel about the death penalty? It was bad. The president’s sex life? That’s nobody’s business. [audience laughter] So, I was doing okay. And then, the interview shifted gears, and there came a question I was unprepared for. “How did I feel about my parents’ divorce?” 

 

So, my parents had recently split up, very recently. And how I felt about it was sad, very sad. And for that reason, I only agreed to participate in 14 under one condition, which was that I wouldn’t have to talk about it. I’d been promised by different members of the film crew that this would be honored, no questions about the divorce. So, when the question came, I assumed there was a mistake, that the director had gone rogue. [audience laughter] 

 

As I sat there, waiting for another adult in the room to intervene, this didn’t happen. The camera continued to roll and the room got really quiet, the kind of quiet that’s loud. The lights got really bright, and I got hot, and my skin started to burn and prickle, like when you’re standing next to a bonfire. And then, my eyes started to water, like I was crying, because it took me a moment to realize I was crying. And the camera continued to roll and no one yelled cut. 

 

So, a few months later, Age 14 in America comes out, and in one of the reviews, a critic wrote, “The shattered look on Kate’s face speaks volumes about the effect of divorce on adolescents.” I was so mad, because I was like, “How’s that supposed to make me feel?” And yeah, it was an upsetting experience. 

 

A few years ago, I went to a hypnotherapist who told me that in moments of acute psychological distress, where you feel trapped, you emotionally amputate part of yourself. And so, you survive, but you’re broken. Then she told me to close my eyes and we’re going to take a journey back in time, so I could rescue my exiled selves and become whole again.

 

This was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard, [audience laughter] and I couldn’t believe I’d spent $150 on it. [audience laughter] But I also knew what she meant, because looking back, the most upsetting aspect of the whole experience of being filmed for 14 was this sense of a human disconnect. The distance between my experience of that dismal chapter in my life and the detached curiosity of the viewers who would be watching it on TV.

 

And after the film crew was done for 14 and they packed up and left to go torment the next kid, I remember feeling diminished, like they’d taken a part of me with them. But every time I get the opportunity to tell the story of it and convey my experience, it feels like I get a little piece back. Thank you.