Wes Hazard - Life Goals For 1,000, Please

 

 

All right. Hey. In October 2017, I got a really good email, maybe the best email I ever got in my life, or at least the most exciting. It told me that I had passed the online test and I was invited to go audition live for Jeopardy! I got to do that. I was very, very excited. Thank you. [audience cheers and applause]

 

An email I've been waiting for 20 years. I love that show. I really, really enjoy it. On an average day, if I have the time, I will watch the daily episode of Jeopardy! on TV and then spend 90 minutes a day looking up random crap on Wikipedia. That's how I have fun, all right? 

 

I got that email. I'm like, “Oh, we're obviously going to orient our entire lives around this now.” And so, I started going hardcore, like every day watching it. I would watch old episodes on YouTube. I bought a student atlas, minimum 90 minutes map studies every day.

UK king's line of succession. I'm like, “In the J! Archive, like a database of all the online Jeopardy! episodes.” Just every single day, hours. I started watching it behind a music stand standing up with a ballpoint pen in my hand to get the timing down. [audience laughter] I'm really into it and throw some numbers at you. 

 

Every year, Jeopardy! says, “Y’all, we're going to have an online test.” And about 300,000 people say, “I would like to take that test.” And jeopardy! allows about 70,000 of those people to take the test. And of those 70,000, 2,500 get invited to go audition live. And of those 2,500, about 400 people per year get to be on Jeopardy! The odds are not in your favor, but I'm like, “Whatever.” 

 

Backtrack, I taken the online test. It's 50 questions. It just you're watching them on screen, a little box pops up, you type in your answer, it stays there for eight seconds, and it goes away and the next question. Out of those 50, I know from research online that you got to get at least 35 out of the 50 to even make the cut. I was scorned as I go through. I've been doing this. I played high school bowl, College Quiz Bowl, lost my virginity at 21. Like, I play trivia, [audience laughter] all right? So, I'm into it. 

 

I think I only got a 37 on that test, which is not great, but just over the line. All right. Fine. Great. And then, you go in for the live audition. And it's three parts. So, the first part is like a 50-question test again, but this is a little bit different, because it's recording of Alex Trebek, and he does the answers. They give you a blank sheet with 50 answer spots on here. And you have an advantage with this one, because they don't get yanked away after each question. And if you're moving through these questions at the speed that an average Jeopardy! person needs to be at, you're going to bank some time. 

 

Some of them you're just going to know immediately, some of them you might not get immediately, but you can jot a little note down to yourself. At the end of that, you get maybe a minute or so where you can go back and nail the answers. And I got to say, I'll stand before you here with humility and say that on that 50-question test, I freaking murdered that like 47. Just destroyed it. Like, yeah. Feeling real strong. Like, ahh. Woo, yeah [audience cheers and applause] 

 

Because three of them like, all right, I didn't know them. That's life. I didn't know three. But at the very end with 17 seconds left to go, there were just three that were just at the top of the tongue, edge of the mind. It was just like, basically, what's the capital of Croatia? What is the Civil War internment camp where war crimes were committed and what is the element within your body that helps break down proteins? I couldn't get it. I couldn't get it, and I couldn't get it. And then, with 17 seconds left, it was like Zagreb, Andersonville, enzyme. Hell, yeah. Like, shit came from God. Like, argh. [audience laughter] Feeling good. All right. Nice. 

 

And then, you go up. And the second part of the interview is like a mock game. They didn't even really care. These are just softball questions. There's no stakes, there's no Alex, there's no lights, there's no crowd. It's you and 20 other people in a hotel room in whatever town you're in. I was going there. They don't care. They just want to know some basic stuff, “Do you know how to play Jeopardy!? Do you answer in the form of a question? Do you keep it moving? Do you have good energy? Do you look crazy on TV?” basic stuff like that. [audience laughter] 

 

I'm just whipping through. I'm like, “Emancipation Proclamation. Rosa Parks is hitting it.” Like, “John McCain was one of them.” That was weird, but got it. It was nice. And so, cool. Feeling good on that. And then, the third part is just like a little mock interview. They ask everybody the same question, “What would you do if you won a bunch of money?” And everybody's like, “Oh, I fix up the house, pay off some debt, travel, help the grandkids.” I said that I wanted to reunite the cast of the 1990s sitcom from Fox Living Single for my 40th birthday party. [audience cheers]

 

Yeah. They reacted thusly. At the end of it, I'm like, “I'm my own harshest critic.” Like, “When I fail, I tell myself in detail how I failed and how it maybe we can correct in the future.” I got out of that audition, I was like, “Wes, how do you feel you did?” And I'm like, “I do not think I could have conducted myself better. Let's continue to study as if we're going to be on Jeopardy!” That's a big commitment, because they tell you nothing. They don't tell your scores. You don't know. I only know, again, I'm keeping track. 

 

You get out of there and they're like, “All right, everybody, thank you so much for coming. You should be proud you made it this far. We get in touch, you'll be within the next 18 months,” and that's it. You just go home, and wait 18 months for a phone call that may never come, all right? [audience laughter] I'm just like get out of there, I'm just like, “Do you know what pressure is?” 

 

My God. Think about the scenarios of going on Jeopardy! Like, what could happen? Like, best case scenario, you go on, you win 10, 15, 20 games, you become a minor national celebrity. You go on Fallon. You get to retire, and just play trivia and write trivia books for the rest of your life. That's best-case scenario. 

 

I knew that probably wasn't going to happen. But worst-case scenario, is I go on there and I don't have enough money to compete in final Jeopardy! and then I hang myself. That was just like the-- [audience laughter] the pressure was intense. I was watching a game from that season, and I'm just like, “The answer was Harriet Tubman at home.” And I said, “Sojourner Truth.” And I'm like, “What if that happens,” all right? “What if I just go on national TV embarrassing my whole family, getting black history questions wrong?” just like that. [audience laughter] It is insane. It's intense, all right? Just like, “Ugh.” All this stuff is going through my head. 

 

So, I got to the point where four, five hours a day, easily studying. I got to the point where I wouldn't allow myself to go to bed if I didn't hit five final Jeopardies in a row. Like, you get one wrong, you better believe you're getting up and looking that whole article up on Wikipedia, like the whole thing, like intense. I had Broadway trivia books, Bible trivia, the whole bit. It was crazy. 

 

And then, one day, I got an even better phone call and then I got an email. And if you happened to watch Jeopardy! this past July, you would see that I was a three-time Jeopardy champion. I was very excited.