Nya Abernathy - Lies, Love, and Labor

 

So, who do you think gets lied to the most? I'm going to tell you who gets lied to the most. Pregnant women get lied to the most. [audience laughter] I was told, "You're going to love being pregnant," they said. "It's going to be amazing," they said. "You're going to forget all about all the feels of giving birth," they said. And I tell you, they lied. [audience chuckle] I was a little more than nine months pregnant, and I was miserable. In an inhuman way, never felt that miserable in my life. If I had the ability, I literally would have reached into my body and pulled my child out, because I was ready to not be pregnant. 

 

We had done all the things, I'd read the book about-- I don't even remember what it's called, something about birthing naturally, basically telling you that you could do anything. I read this book and I thought, I could give birth in the top of a tree if I had to, by myself. [audience chuckle] I am awesome, I'm a woman, I'm amazing. [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause] 

 

I was ready to kick labor and delivery in the teeth. My due date came, and I went to my doctor, because my due date fell on my doctor date and I was like, "Tell me." Because I'd been waiting. I actually was waiting at 36 weeks, when they were like, "Well, you can have her anytime." I'm like, "Can I have her now? Is that possible?" So, I go to my doctor, and I'm like-- She's like, "You're half a centimeter--" I'm like, "You know what? I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to talk to you anymore." [audience laughter]

 

So, my wonderful mother was visiting me, and I was rolling on the medicine ball, because I was so uncomfortable. And she was like, "Why don't we go get a massage?" I'm like, “Fine.” The wonderful man who gave me a massage. He said, "You're pregnant. When are you due?" I was like, “Two days ago.” And he was like, "I'm going to massage you in all the ways they tell us not to massage pregnant women." I'm like, “God bless you.” [audience laughter] And that night, I went into labor and I was ready. I was like, “I've read the books, and I watched the videos, and I talked to all the ladies, and I read all the right blogs, and I know that you're supposed to breathe this way and you're supposed to stand.”

 

My husband was my coach, and he was rocking with me and rolling with me and I was good. I got in the bath when we got to the hospital. I waited, I labored at home. I did all the things right and I'm like, “I'm going to make it. This is awesome.” I was like, "I'm going to go all natural. Bump the drugs. Don't nobody need no drugs. I could give birth in a tree. I don't need drugs." [audience laughter] I was doing all right. I was. I was rolling. I said, "One of the things they tell you is you feel the contractions like a wave, and you just ride the wave of the contractions." [audience laughter] 

 

 I did that for the first however many hours. And I'm like, “Yeah, it's good. It's all right. It's good. It's fine." And then, I hit transition. And if you've ever given birth, when you hit transition-- [spectator says it changes] That's right, girl. Who said it? [audience laughter] You better. I need to throw a handkerchief, because you better preach. It changes. I was like, [chuckles] “I'm good. We're going to do this. This baby's going to come out, no drugs, nothing.” I hit transition. I said, "Oh, that's why you ask for drugs. That's why. Okay, I understand."

 

I was so ready to meet my child. We didn't find out whether it was boy or girl. I didn't know who I was meeting. I was so excited. I was like, "Oh, I just can't. I just want this baby to come. I'm so excited." So, I'm going and going, and I hit transition. I'd been cool, right? Like, I'd been like, “All right, I'm just going to walk around the room.” I hit transition. I'm grabbing onto the bed, I'm rolling around on my back and on my side, my eyes are bulging, and I literally look at my doctor and I'm like, "Make it stop. Please just make it stop." I really thought I had things together. [audience chuckle] 

 

So, after a lot of pain, pushing and tearing, I got to hold this little child who completely changed my life. It really is like having your heart walk on the outside of your body. I remember right after, while my doctor is stitching me up, I looked at my mother and I said, "If I ever tell you I want to do this again, remind me of how I feel right now, because I'm not doing this ever, ever again." [chuckles] I made it a point to remember the pain, because I don't care what them ladies say, “You going to remember this.” I'm going to remember. But I have forgotten. And though that hurt, the love of the second love of my life, after my husband, is so worth it. Worth it enough that I'm crazy enough to be thinking about doing it again. [audience laughter]