Chris Gorman - Last Trip To The Beach

 

I don't like nice, easy things. So, when I went down to the SPCA to pick out a dog and I saw one in a cage that just said, unwanted, I thought that one might be a fit. And then, when they called me in a week and said, he was on rabies hold, that's when I knew that was going to be my dog. [audience laughter] 

 

Let me get this straight right at the start, I'm not a dog mom. I've looked deep inside, I'm not a nurturing person. But at the time I was turning 40 and I looked around for my friends and there wasn't anybody there, so yeah, I was going to get a dog. As soon as I said I couldn't have that dog, I wanted him twice as much. And as soon as I got Big Boy home, he let me know right away why it said unwanted on his cage. 

 

Big Boy had two things that could get dogs returned to the shelter in a hurry. He had fear aggression and separation anxiety. Fear aggression just meant that he would bite you if you looked at him. [audience laughter] If you looked at him or if you weren't looking at him. [audience laughter] And separation anxiety meant that I got a phone call from the police. [audience laughter] My neighbors called the police, because Big Boy was in my apartment making a noise that you could hear from outer space. [audience laughter] The police were just curious as to what kind of animals I was sacrificing inside my apartment. [audience laughter] 

 

So, I ran home from work, and I popped open the door for the police, and I said, “Look, he's just watching TV. And he was. He was making a noise that you could hear from outer space. [audience laughter] So, I dialed the vet, and I held the phone up and I said, “Listen to this.” And she said, “Oh, you don't have to hold up the phone. We can hear it from here.” [audience laughter] And I said, “I can't keep this dog.” But I knew I couldn't really take him back either. 

 

Dogs that go back to the animal shelter very seldom come back out again. I had failed at most things I had tried up to that point, so this needed to be a win for the both of us. So, I sat down with the vet and I said, “I don't know what to do.” And she goes, “Well, I can recommend our mental healthcare program.” And I said, “Mental health?” And she goes, “No, seriously. We have dogs that come every day to our mental healthcare program.”

 

So, this became our lifestyle. Every morning, I would pack Big Boy up like he was a luggage going to the airport. [audience laughter] I'd take him to the vet, drop him on the carousel, go work nine hours and then come back in the evening time to pick him up. He'd run joyously out of the back from where the cages were straight to somebody else. [audience laughter] I would take him from them and take him home. I did that every weekday for five years. 

 

And then, he got sick. He was at the vet for a real reason, for a change. He's back there in a cage with his name on it. I mean, he came there every single day. There was a new vet. She wanted to try to get to know him a little bit. She went back there to put her hand in to pet him, and a worker stopped her and said, “Oh, no, don't touch him. That's Big Boy. He's not nice.” But in the next breath, the worker said, “Yeah, but you're going to fix him, right? You're going to make him better, right?” She didn't have any idea what was wrong with him. 

 

It was like being on an episode of House. Every day, there was a differential diagnosis and another $400 bill. And then, it got severe. She called me and she's like, “Hey, I think you should take him home. There's not much we can do for him here.” So, they sent me home with an IV bag and a broken dog. 

 

I remember I went in and I laid him on the kitchen floor, and I hung the IV bag on the kitchen cabinet and I sat down with him and I said, “Sir, I'm sorry, I don't have any special skills. I got nothing for you here.” But then, I took all the love that I had inside me. I mean, for things that I love, like ice cream, fireworks, my sister, and I remember I put it in my hands. It was weird. It felt like a warm substance. And then, I just applied it directly to the dog. And then, I took him back in a couple days. She took him to the back and she comes back out and she goes, “He's better.” 

 

So, let's fast forward to today. The vet did find out some things that was wrong with Big Boy. He's in triple overtime now. he's blind. And all the things that used to make him so angry and frightened about the world, he can't see them anymore. I have a nice dog now. And what's weird is I feel really nostalgic for those times when I had all that adrenaline when were just trying to be together. 

 

But I know that if I have a three-day weekend or an extra day off, we're going to take him on his last trip to the beach. [audience laughter] Again, we've taken him so many times now. I know that once I get him on the beach, I'm going to sit down with him and I'm going to say, “Big Boy, even though I was never your mother, I really enjoyed being your lawyer, and your publicist, [audience laughter] your Uber driver and your Hazmat team.” [audience laughter] I know that we'll just keep taking him on his last trip to the beach until it's his last trip to the beach.