Karen Kibaara - Karen the Invincible

 

I was a good girl, and I did everything that my parents told me to. I was not taught to be assertive, and I had learned from being a young girl to give up things that I really wanted. I had siblings younger than me, and I would give up things like toys if I was playing with them and they cried for them. I really, really loved traveling, and I thought I would become a tour guide, but my father said, “No, you will be a secretary.” And I became one. 

 

At 18 years old, I never had a boyfriend. So, at 19 years old, I had just cleared high school and I was waiting to join the college, and my father called me. I was at home and said, “Karen, cook good food. I'm bringing home a guest.” That was the first time I met this man. He dressed to the nines. He looked good. [audience laughter] And after they had the meal, he commended me and said, “That was a good meal.” And at 19 years old, I was feeling good. I had shivers all over me. [audience laughter] 

 

My mother ran a shop in our town. It's the same town where this man ran a very successful legal business. And in my mother's shop, we sold sodas and some cakes. I would go to help her run the shop. And then, I noticed that this man kept coming to the shop quite often. And sooner or later I realized, no, it wasn't the refreshments he was coming for. He had seen a good thing, and that was me. [audience laughter] And he was in hot pursuit. [audience laughter] 

 

A few months later, I joined the college that my father had picked for me. It was about 200 miles away from home and away from him. And this man, who did not know how to drive, bought a car and hired a driver just to come and see me over the weekends. I felt loved, and I found myself in a relationship with this man. 

 

A few months later, I got to know that some people were talking to my parents and warning them that perhaps they should rethink allowing me to have an affair with this man, especially his girlfriends, his former girlfriends, they told him that he did not treat women quite well. So, when I told him about, he said, “Oh, no, Karen, they're just jealous.” So, my parents panicked and they said, demanding that I stop seeing this man. But I just couldn't. I was in too deep. 

 

In the last semester of this college, I got myself pregnant. Oh, excuse me. He got me pregnant. [audience laughter] So, I called him and told him of the news of what I had found out. And he said, “Don’t worry. Calm down. We'll talk about it.” So, after I finished college and I packed everything that I had, he came and picked me up. And he could drive at this time. On our way home, he said, “Karen, I hope you remember that you and I agreed that you're coming now to move in with me.” And for a moment there, I was like, “Ah, I don't remember us having that kind of a conversation.” And I said, “No, my mom is waiting for me. I got to go home.” 

 

And he got so, so angry that he did not talk to me. But then along the way, I thought, how do I break this news to my father and to my mother and tell them that I was pregnant? So, I thought probably it was not a very bad idea to move in with him. And so, I did. About six months later, our son was born. And that's when things took a turn. This man that I thought loved me started coming home late drunk. He would get angry at small things. The baby is crying too much at night. “You are getting too fat. You are going to see your mother too much. The food did not taste as good as it used to.” And I just couldn't understand what was going on. 

 

Now, one of those days that he came home late, this time he came a little bit later, just about morning. I had spent the entire night crying, looking out through the window. We didn't have cell phones at that time, so I couldn't call him. So, when he got into the house, I was like, “Hey, man, what's going on? Why are you coming home this late? Could you just tell me what's really happening?” I tell you, I never heard anything that he said. The only thing I heard was a huge slap on my face. And then, another and another. I was so shocked. This was the first time he had slapped me. I was so frightened, so I didn't talk much. In fact, I didn't speak anymore. Then he went to bed. 

 

Now, when he woke up, he came to me and said, “You see what you made me do to you? Had you just shut up? If you didn't ask those silly questions, I wouldn't have hit you. Why don't you just be as quiet? Don't you know that a woman is there to be seen and not to be heard?” And I was like, “Whoa. Well, this is going to be different.” So, this physical abuse went on for the next seven years. I got myself a job. He really, really made me feel guilty about it. He demanded that I should choose between my family and the job. And so, I chose the job. He got the director firing me. My contract was terminated. 

 

My family knew that there was abuse going on in this relationship. Twice I had left, and he had cried and pleaded and promised that he was not going to hurt me anymore. Twice, I went back with him. My parents did not know what to do. The only thing my mom thought best to do was to call her friends quite often. And so, one day, as I was talking to my father, he looked at me and said, “Where is my daughter? Where is Karen? Because the woman that stands before me, this is not my daughter. My Karen would not stand such kind of nonsense from a man like that.” And I was quiet. My father never taught me how to be an assertive woman. He never taught me how to stand up for myself. And now in adulthood, he's asking me to stand up against a man 11 years older than me. How was I going to do that? I just did not understand. 

 

And so, one other bad night, this man came home late. I opened up the door. And because I had learned how to tune him out, I didn't hear what he was saying. But I think because I ignored him, he just suddenly grabbed me with the collars of my pajamas, and he started to shake me, and he shook me real hard and he asked me, “Karen, tell me, why do you feel invincible?” I had not heard that word before. I did not know what it meant. And then he said, “You know, I don't think you understand what I asked you. I asked you, why do you feel so invincible? And I did not say invisible. I said, invincible.” And so, he went to the bookshelf, and grabbed a dictionary and threw it at me and told me to look out for that word and read it out loud and read out the meaning of it. 

 

Well, I obeyed. As I read the meaning of the word out loud, I read words like, “Too strong to be defeated, powerful, concrete, unbeatable, unshakable, unmovable.” And I'm like, “Wait a minute, was this man describing me with this word, I, who for eight years lived in this marriage believing I was weak, vulnerable, unlovable, powerless?” In his eyes, I was much more than just a strong woman. So, it dawned on me all along what this man was trying to do was to beat me and to subdue me, to crush this strong woman that he was seeing. And so, I knew that this was my moment and I told myself, we are going to get out of this and never come back. This is the last day you're doing this. 

 

And so, after a while, I think he got tired. He went to his bedroom and I went to mine. I cried myself to sleep that night. But those were tears of joy, because I knew this was the last time that this was happening. So, when I woke up the following morning, I very stealthily walked out of my bed, and then I tiptoed to his bedroom and I confirmed that he was asleep, seriously snoring. And so, I grabbed a small bag, just small, big enough for me to put a few clothes in and maybe a pair of shoes or two. I was ready to run out of that house. 

 

As I walked towards the door, and right before I had my hand on the doorknob, I heard the voice of my seven-year-old son. And he asked me, “Mom, where are you going?” And I said, “I have to leave now. I'll come back. I'll tell you everything.” And he said, “No, can I go with you?” And I said, “No, you can't come with me. Please.” And he started crying. I said, “Please don't cry. If you cry, you'll wake up your father and I'll be more trouble.” I knew that his father doted so much on his son and it's I whom he detested. I thought that the best I could do was to get myself out of here, get myself back in order physically and emotionally and financially, and then come back for my son. 

 

So, I managed to convince him not to cry and to stay in the house, and then I ran out of that house, me and my little bug. As his cries faded off and as the distance between me and the house grew, the weight of this marriage was falling off my back. I got into the next bus that came, and I went straight home to my parent’s house, and they took me in and I was able to get myself a job. In the years that followed, I was able to have a relationship with my son. He's just about to finish university right now. And now, I run my own kindergarten out of passion, and I also mentor and speak to young girls and women and helping them find their inner strength, their inner power, so that they can learn how to be assertive. And so, here I am, Karen from Kenya, telling you the story of Karen the Invincible. Thank you.