Hayley Dunning - It Should be a Compliment

 

Hello. So, I had been single for four years when Andrew joined our office. I checked out all the new guys who joined the department, naturally. But it was slim pickings. I would say he was slim pickings. He was kind of scrawny, a bit skinny and not that much taller than me. So, not my normal type because they make me feel a little bit indelicate. But his soft Scottish accent and twinkling blue eyes were enough to draw me in. So, we bonded over a love of writing. We used to send each other haikus that we'd written every day. Sometimes they were serious and beautiful. Sometimes they were silly and throwaway. We had a lot of conversations that I might have considered flirting, even though they were mostly about grammar. [audience laughter]

 

I fell in love with him though, when went to interview someone together for a video. He'd printed out the questions that we'd prepared on an A4 sheet of paper and folded it in such a way, so that when I turned it to ask the next set of questions, you couldn't hear any rustling from the paper, that was picked up by the microphone near my chest. It was so efficient and had so much forethought. [audience laughter] That's what really gets me going. [audience laughter] So, yes. So, Andrew was perfect. That is, except for the wedding ring he was always turning on his finger. 

 

So, one day, we had an assignment that took us across the park together. And we talked about how difficult it would be to have a partner who was better at our own game than us, how the pressure to have children on our generation was misguided about mortgages. As casually as I could, I asked him, “What does your other half do?” And he said, “Oh, he's a UX designer.” [chuckles] So, I was really glad that he wasn't looking at me in that moment, because I swear if he'd looked in my eyes, he would have seen that little bit of my heart break. 

 

The very next day, we were in a meeting. He noticed that my eyes are different colors. They're not quite so. They're both blue, but one of them has a big brown splurge in it that makes it look that way. But I had waited forever for a man to look close enough to notice. And so, it hurt. But obviously, I realized that my feelings had to change. I wanted us to still be friends and this stupid fantasy of mine would get in the way of that. And obviously, I wanted to find my own love. But still, I thought he was magnificent and I wondered if perhaps he should know that. 

 

Not long after that, one of my cats died. He was a little kitten that I'd had since he was a kitten. He'd grown into this big, soft cat who was warm and soft, and he'd been comfort itself to me. And then, he and comfort were gone. And I said to Andrew, I felt like I'd lost some of the love in my life, some that I'd given and some that I'd received. He said that it was still there, even though I couldn't feel it. And I thought, everyone should know when they're loved. It should be a compliment. I wanted to tell him, but I didn't know how. 

 

At that time, I was doing a short story writing class. We had this assignment to write a story that was like a physical and an emotional journey. So, I wrote a version of this story. I wrote mine and Andrew’s story set against a physical journey where I was going to an office Christmas party and he would be there. The idea in the story, is that I would tell him, but I get there and he's outside the pub and I go to tell him, but we're interrupted by a colleague and the moment is gone. And that's where that story ended. My teacher loved it and the other students loved it and that was great. But I still hadn't told him. 

 

And then, so, New Year’s Day came around and I was like, “I've got to start this year off right.” And so, I decided to send him the story I'd written in the short story class. I sent it as a word doc attachment over WhatsApp, so I could see those two blue ticks when he'd read it. [audience laughter] So, he read it and I waited and then little dots to show that he was typing. And finally, he said, “I love you too, buddy.” And that was enough.