Nimisha Ladva - I Walked Back

 

It's the end of new professor orientation, which I have been attending because of my new job. I'm leaving the building and it's pouring rain, which is a problem because I'm a transplant from California and I have no jacket, no umbrella, flimsy open toe shoes. And to get home I have to wait for a bus. That's when I see him, a man from new professor orientation. He's got salt and pepper hair, really ugly glasses and a tweed jacket. 

 

I'm not making this up. It has Bonafide elbow patches. It looks a bit weird to me. Because of that, he's the one person I'm trying to avoid at orientation. Of course, he's walking towards me and introduces me himself, “Hi, I'm David. I couldn't help, but overhear that you were going to take the bus home and I wanted you to know I've got my Buick [audience laughter] right here on campus, and I'd be happy to give you a ride home.” 

 

And of course, I say no, because who gets into a large American sedan with a stranger. I say no, because my good Indian girl programming has taken over, because I know that I'm not supposed to be interacting with men really, because my parents are going to find a nice, suitable boy for me to marry. I'm supposed to have an arranged marriage. 

 

In California, my parents are handing out my biodata sheet. It has my name, my age, my height, how dark my skin is, my education level, some background about my family and my photograph. They're handing it out to families, hoping that someone with a medical doctor son will show some interest. 

 

But in Philadelphia, it’s still pouring rain, so I make a practical choice. I say, “Hey, actually, a ride's okay.” So, he gives me a ride home, whatever. I see him at some faculty functions. He invites me to go out with some friends of his from out of town. And then, he actually asks me out and then we actually start dating and it's weird. I like it. [audience laughter] So, I realize I have to tell my parents. 

 

So, two years later, I do. [audience laughter] My dad takes it well, but my mom, not really so much. So, her reaction comes every day, three times a day on my voicemail, like this, it's like, “Hi, this is Nimisha. Leave a message. Bye. Beep. [mother cries]. Beep.” [audience laughter] 

 

And so, one day, David hears one and he says, “Nimisha, your mother is choosing to react this way.” Choosing? What kind of stupid post therapy white man thing is that to say. [audience laughter] I am killing my mother with this, with us. Are you crazy? And I start to stress out. I actually stopped being able to sleep. My hair starting to fall out. I'm getting really stressed out. I should have known this conversation was coming, because David has been into this idea of therapy and being the best person he could be. We are having the kinds of conversations I never have. I do like him. I think he's got emotional maturity, he's like a man. 

 

But I'm stressed out. I am not sleeping. I'm not really even eating very well. And then, in all of this drama, he asks me to marry him and I say no. I give him back his ring. I move back to California, and there is a continent between us. It's really awkward. We talk on the phone from time to time. There's this one random day he says he's going to be back in California and would I like to go see a movie. I'm like, “Whatever.” I say yes. 

 

So, we get to the movie theater. It's just like packed with people, totally packed with people. So, he says, “Why don't you wait at this bench, and I will go over there and get the tickets?” And so, David walks away. I don't sit at the bench. I get up and I walk away. I'm thinking of my mother's voicemail messages. I'm thinking of what the heck am I doing with my life and why did I say yes to this movie and what the heck? I find myself on a balcony and I look down at theater crowd below and I can see David walking by. He's got the two tickets in his hand and he looks like walking sunshine. But I don't go back. I just watch him. 

 

He sees I'm not there at the bench, and he starts pacing back and forth around it. Then he starts taking slightly bigger steps. The movie starts and David doesn't leave. I realize that he's going to just keep looking and looking and searching and searching, because the only person in that whole movie theater he is looking for is singularly and absolutely me. I get it. But if I walk back, I will fail at being a good Indian girl. 

 

What I want to do, as I'm looking at him, I want to tell him that I've made some judgments about his appearance, about the things he can change, like his style if he wanted to, [audience laughter] and his skin color, which he can do nothing about. I just want to talk to him, and I realize that he makes the hard conversations easy. So, I walk back. I walk back to David. And full disclosure, we are 10 years, three kids and one mortgage into our marriage. Thanks very much.