Maxie Jones - I Don't Want That Smoke 

 

 

I was 10 years old. I was in the playground in the middle of the block where I was growing up. And there were like monkey bars, there was like this log. Shut up, this was the 1970s. [audience laughter] There were these barrels. These barrels were like these big cylinders, turned on their side where kids could hide in them, you could play in them, you could pee in them, whatever. [audience laughter] 

 

I was in the playground playing with this kid. The kid just liked ducked behind one of the barrels, and he took out a cigarette, and he lit it, and he looked at me and said, “Want some?” I was like, “No, man. What are you talking about?” First of all, I was like 10. And secondly, we lived right there on the second floor, and my mother could see everything out of the window. She wasn't in the window at that moment, but she could be there at any time. So, he was like, “Aw, man. What? You scared?” 

 

Now, first of all, at 10 years old, I had no desire to smoke a cigarette. But I didn't like this dude talking about me being scared. [audience laughter] So, I was like, “Yo, man.” I took a quick look up at the window, snatched a cigarette from him and took a drag. As soon as I took a drag, I heard, “Ooh, Maxie, you smoking a cigarette?” [audience laughter] I looked behind me, and there was two guys who lived in my building. They were a couple years older than I am, it was Leon and Ronald. They were standing behind me. “Maxie, what you doing smoking that cigarette?” And I was like [makes hesitating noises] The other kid just took off running. 

 

Leon snatched a cigarette from me and said, “I'm going to tell your mother, and she going to whoop your ass.” [audience laughter] They started walking toward the building to tell my mother. As they were walking toward the building, I look up and there's my mother standing in the window. I was like, “Oh, man, how long has she been standing there?” So, I just took off running. I just started running, but I was 10, so I couldn't cross the street. [audience laughter] So, I ran around the block, like five times. [audience laughter] Maybe, I ran around the block one time, but it felt like five times. 

 

I was just running and running and running, and finally I said, “What the hell am I doing? I got to go upstairs eventually, so I might as well just go now.” So, I start walking toward my building, and there's my mother in the window and I can see she is pissed off. I'm walking upstairs, and I'm like, “Damn, she saw me smoking that cigarette.” I got up to my apartment. When I went to reach for the doorknob, the door just snatched open. 

 

My mother was standing there with the cigarette in her hand, and she said, “Leon and Ronald, they brought this up here to me, and they said, you were smoking it. Were you?” And in my mind, I was like, “Man, maybe she didn't see me smoking that cigarette, or maybe she did see me smoking that cigarette, and she's checking to see if I'm going to lie.” Well, here goes. [audience laughter] “No, Ma. No, I wasn't smoking that cigarette. They were just trying to get me in trouble.” She said, “Oh, really? Why? Why would they just be wanting to get you in trouble, huh?” “I don't know.” 

 

My mother said, “I'll tell you what I'm going to do.” She said, “I'm going to take you to your word on this one. But if I ever see you smoke a cigarette in your life. I'm not talking about when you're a teenager. I'm not talking about when you're in high school or when you're in college.” She said, “I don't care if you a grown man with your own children. If I ever see you smoking a cigarette, I'm going to know that they were telling the truth and I'm going to whoop your ass.” [audience laughter] 

 

I was scared, because in my mind, I'm picturing myself, like, 40, and I decided to smoke a cigarette, my mother's like, “Huh, caught you. I'm whooping your ass.” I didn't know what to do. She said, “So, you got one more chance. Were you smoking that cigarette?” I was like, “No, Ma. No, I didn't smoke it.” She said, “All right. Well, we'll see.” She said, “Now, go on outside and play.” 

 

Now, let me tell y'all something. To this day, I don't know if my mother really saw me smoking that cigarette, but I know one thing, she was a fucking genius. Because she took advantage of that opportunity in that moment, because that shit happened in 1972, [audience laughter] and I haven't smoked another cigarette since.