Aydrea Walden - Homeroom Heartbreak

 

So, it's the fourth grade, and I am super in love with Spencer Williams. He sits next to me in homeroom, and he's so cute, and he's got this messy red hair and these blue eyes and a mask of freckles across his nose. We spend the whole first half of the year getting in trouble all the time, because we can't stop talking to each other during class. So, for the second half of the year, we start passing notes in class, so we don't get caught, which is amazing, because Spencer never passed notes in class before, which means I'm changing him, just like a good girlfriend should. [audience laughter] 

 

And this one time, we're on a field trip, and I fell down, and he reached down to help me up and when he gave me his hand, he didn't let go right away. And in fourth grade, that's basically over-the-clothes second base. [audience laughter] It was very exciting. And the school we go to is one of these experimental, like magnet models, where we can call our teachers by their first names and we have classes like outdoors or in graveyards. [audience laughter] In addition to math and English, we have classes like enrichment and future thinking. We both go to this very progressive school, and so I think that we are a very progressive couple, and our relationship is progressing just like I want it. [audience laughter. 

 

Until one day I'm sitting at recess, like, hanging out by myself, and this gaggle of girls rushes up to me, which is exciting, because gaggles of girls never rush up to me. So, I take out my Trapper Keeper, so I can write all their phone numbers down. And they're like, "Aydrea, Aydrea, are you going around with Vincent?" And going around was our word for dating at that time. And I was like, "I don't know who Vincent is, but did you guys want it?" And then, they were gone. [audience laughter] And I was like, “All right.” I forgot about it and went back to my Choose Your Own Adventure book or whatever. [audience laughter] 

 

And then, later that afternoon, another group of girls comes up and they're like, "Aydrea, are you going around with Vincent?" I'm like, "I still don't know who Vincent is, but do you guys want--" and then they were gone. I was a little upset, because I felt like mean girls being mean. But in terms of what bullying could be, it wasn't really that bad. [audience laughter] So, I let it go, until choir rehearsal that afternoon, like, after school. One of my very good friends was like, "Aydrea, I hear you're going around with Vincent." And I was like, "Okay, who is Vincent? Also, we're nine, maybe it's cool if we don't have boyfriends yet." 

 

And she's like, "I can't believe you don't know who that is," and she points to the back of the cafeteria where these boys are doing boy things. I was like, "I don't know who you're talking about. Is it that blonde kid with the red shorts?" And she's like, "No, dummy, next to him." And I'm like, "The guy with the ponytail and Converse?" And she's like, "No, in front of him." And I'm like, "Buzzcut and tank top?" She's like, "No, Aydrea, the Black kid. Vincent is that Black kid. You should totally make him a Boyz II Men mixtape." I was like, "Oh, well, I already like Spencer, and I've already made him a Pixies mixtape, so I'm good on mixtapes." [audience laughter] 

 

 And she's like, "Why would you like Spencer?" And I was like, "Why would I like Vincent?" And she was like, "Because, you know." And the bummer was that I did know, because fourth grade was the year that I learned that I was Black. It was a huge surprise to me. [audience laughter] I had no idea. I had no idea. I didn't know that people had opinions on that or that it sometimes mattered, because up until then, I just didn't know. When I would draw pictures of myself, I just wanted my pictures to look like everyone else's pictures, so I gave myself peach skin or pink skin, and nobody cared. 

 

 And then, one time, the first time I heard the N-word was in a funny little song someone was singing in the hallway, because it's rural Texas and that shit happens. [audience laughter] I sang it for my mom, and I did not understand why she was livid. And fourth grade was also the year that some asshole decided we were going to start celebrating Black History Month, which amounted to me just, like, trembling in the corner through the whole month of February while my teachers showed us pictures of backs with scars all over them and fire hoses and German shepherds.

 

 Every other set of eyes in the room would look at me and be like, "Aydrea, we're sorry. What was it like?" [audience laughter] And I'm like, "You guys, you guys are not even 10 yet. The worst thing that's happened to me is not being able to go to any New Kids On The Block concert, because I was grounded. [audience laughter] Just leave me alone." And this whole thing with Vincent was this weird natural extension of that, because Vincent, it was his first week at school that week, and he was the only other Black kid in my class of a hundred or so. 

 

 

 It was baffling to me that nobody, even though I got in trouble for talking to Spencer every day, nobody had any idea that I had a crush on him. Even though I had not said one word to Vincent, no one could figure out why we weren't basically married. Like, nobody, including Spencer. Because that week, he came up to me and was like, "Hey, Aydrea, you left your Caboodle in Future Thinking." [audience laughter] And I was like, "Thank you," because that felt like excellent eventual boyfriend behavior and was very happy, until he told me that he was playing soccer with Vincent and he could totally give him my number if I wanted. 

 

And then, even our teachers got into it. This one teacher after school was like, "Well, Aydrea, have we seen the new student, and do we have a little crush on Vincent?" And I was like, "No, Diana, [audience laughter] we do not have a crush on Vincent. We did not have a crush on Vincent or anyone else anymore.” Thank you.