Amir Baghdadchi - Hayride to Hell

 

Okay. Listen, this is going to be educational. Look, I don't know if you know this, but children are the future, okay? We have to teach them. We owe it to them to teach them facts, to teach them history, which is why when I was invited to dress up as a mummy and frighten some suburban school kids on a haunted hayride, I put my foot down. I was like, one, if you consult the ancient Egyptian papyri, chasing tractors is not something a mummy would be into, [audience laughter] but quite the opposite, the papyri are pretty straight about this. 

 

And two, a haunted hayride gives these kids a distorted sense of farm life. [audience laughter] It's hard enough getting our young people into agriculture. Not that they’re on top of blizzards and beetles and droughts, there's the undead to worry about. “No, thanks, Pa. I'm going into social media.” [audience laughter] I don't blame you, Jaden. I don't blame you. [audience laughter] 

 

But my friend said there'd be some compensation. The job I had previously was cooking at a Chili's. I just felt that my resume needed something a little more [audience laughter] impressive. Maybe like a haunted hayride, that's walking and moaning. Very nice. [audience laughter] So, I go to my friend's house to get the costume going. This costume consisted of three things, some underwear, some bandages and there was no third thing. [audience laughter] Just underwear and bandages. And for a second, I thought, should I wear shoes? Should I have a phone? Should I have a wallet? But the papyri are pretty straight. Mummies did not have those things. So, it's just that. 

 

It was a dark night a few nights before Halloween, and I was driven deep into one of those endless winding subdivisions and dropped off. They told me, they said, “Okay, just wait by this mailbox. When the tractor comes up pulling the kids, jump out and scare them.” I’m like “Okay.” So, I'm just waiting there, just trying to act casual. It's just not easy, because remember, it's not even Halloween yet. On Halloween, you can be like, “Hey, look, honey, there's a mummy by our mailbox.” “Hi.” But it's just a regular Tuesday. [audience laughter] I'm just trying to blend in like, “Hey, just checking your mail. Looks good.” It's not. It's not. 

 

So, then I see the tractor rumbling up the street, and there are the kids sitting on bales of straw. They're in costume with lightsabers, and magic wands and nunchucks. I jump out and I start following them. And I go, [groans] The kids shriek, okay? Then I go, “I'm going to get you.” And the kids shriek. And then, I go, “I'm going to eat your face.” [audience laughter] And the kids go quiet. [audience laughter] I crossed a line there. Even I'm like, “Eat your face.” Where did that come from? Is that okay? Did I miss some haunted hayride training where we brought up issues of heightened sensitivity? Where did that come from in me? 

 

And then, it happened. The tractor begins to pick up speed. But this one kid, he was a pirate with a sword, goes, “There's the mummy. Let's get him.” The kid jumps off the moving tractor. [audience laughter] One after another, the kids are jumping off. They're going, “Let's get him. Punk.” Into the pavement, picking themselves up, screaming and chasing after me. I just start running. [audience laughter] Up to this point, I had been trying to walk in a historically authentic manner, just clump, clump, clump. [audience laughter] But at this point, papyri be damned, I am booking. [audience laughter] And so, you understand, these children, they were not sweet kids. These children were out to kill. 

 

And so, I'm just running through over lawns, stumbling through backyards and finally, I escape at some of those swampy bits in a cul-de-sac. I'm muddy and my bandages are tearing and it hits me, I have no idea where I am. [audience laughter] I've got no phone, no wallet. And then, up the street, this door opens, the front door opens. I see some kids. I just hurl myself at them going, “Hey, hey, stay away from me.” And the kids are like, “Mummy.” [unintelligible 00:05:19], “Come on, just let me-- I'm not going to eat your face. It's not--” 

 

I realized I can't ask for help in this costume, like I've got to change, which immediately really important question, which of these things, as a parent, are you more afraid of, a mummy roaming through the streets at night or a half-naked-middle-aged weirdo just jamming in his underpants? [audience laughter] And to be honest, it's a toss-up, the papyri are not conclusive here. I went with just keeping the bandages. Finally, after wandering, I limped and I found the jeep with my friend-- 

 

It was parked with all these other minivans, and the headlights were on and the flashlights were out and like, “Hey, did you hear what happened? Some of the kids jumped off the hayride. They just ran off. We don't even know where some of them are. What could have made that happen?” And I was like, “I have no idea. [audience laughter] That is awful. I'm going to tell you what, I'm going to get in the car right now and I'm just going to go, because my work here is basically done.” A few days later, I got the compensation and it turned out to be a gift certificate for I'm not making this up for Chili's, [audience laughter] which is pretty scary, right? Thanks.