Chris Foley - Hair Today

 

I'm seven or eight years old. I’m watching my dad get ready for work. He finishes shaving and he grabs his long hair on the one side of his head, [audience chuckle] and carefully stretches it to the other side. [audience laughter] He then takes a can of Aqua Net, and he sprays his hair and he pats it down on his scalp. And I look up, “Dad, what are you doing?” “I’m covering my bald spot. With our family genes, you’re going to be doing the same thing one day.” [audience chuckle] “No. Not me, Dad. [audience laughter] I’m never losing my hair.” [audience laughter] 

 

Fast forward. I’m just 20 years old. I’m lifting weights with my friend, Peter Brown, in the gym. I’m doing a bench press. He’s spotting me, he starts laughing. “What’s so funny?” Foley, you’re going bald.” “What?” I run into the men’s locker room and I look in the mirror and I comb through my thick, wavy, reddish-brown hair. And there it is, my scalp showing on the crown of my head. And my heart sinks. “Oh, shit.” I go home for Christmas break, show this bald spot to my mother, and she says, “Oh, no. Oh no, [audience laughter] we have to do something.” [audience laughter] My father’s on the couch, “Welcome to the club.” [audience laughter] 

 

Next day, my mother takes me to the dermatologist. The doctor examines me, opens up a manila folder, starts writing notes. Doesn’t say a word. I say, “Doc, so, am I going bald?” “Yep.” [audience chuckle] He writes me two prescriptions, gives me instructions. One of the prescriptions is Rogaine, and the other one I don’t recognize. I say, “Hey Doc, what’s the second prescription?” He says, “Oh, right. That’s for the acne all over your forehead. [audience chuckle] Nice meeting you.” 

 

take the Rogaine as prescribed, with an eyedropper on my scalp twice a day, every day. My hair grows back to the point where there’s the faintest amount of scalp showing. I get eight good years out of Rogaine [audience laughter] until I’m 28. I look in the mirror and there’s a gap forming in the front part of my hair, like the parting of the Red Sea. [audience chuckle] I go visit my parents, show it to my mother and she goes, “I’ve noticed, and I’ve been doing some research. There is a phenomenal doctor on Fifth Avenue who does hair transplants. I made you an appointment and I’m going to pay for the consultation.” And my dad goes, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hair transplant? What are you talking? Listen, Christopher, just grow your hair long, move in on it, [audience laughter] fluff it up.”

 

Now, by this point, 28 years old, I had learned that male pattern baldness is rampant on not only my father’s side of my family, but also my mother’s side, with comb-overs all through the family history. [audience laughter] Grandparents, uncles, cousins, aunts. [audience laughter] I’m determined I am not going to get a comb-over. I’m going to do something about it. So, I go to the consultation. The doctor examines me. “Mr. Foley, great news. We can get your hair back.” “Yes.” “All I have to do is make a four-inch incision in the back of your skull, and I’m going to transplant the hair to the front and the back where your hair is falling out.” “Oh. Well, how much is that going to cost?” “Well, the first treatment is $10,000.” 

 

I call my mother after the appointment. I say, “Mom, 10 grand for the first appointment!” “I’ll pay for it. Do it. Do it.” I decide not to get the hair transplant. [audience laughter] I keep hanging on. Now, I got to use more Rogaine, because more hair’s falling out. It’s this vicious cycle. Right after my 30th birthday, I go to a special hair salon. And my stylist’s name is Carmel. She’s from Ireland. Before our next appointment, I say, “Hey, Carmel, can you be careful? It’s thinning in the front. Just be careful. Be careful here, be careful there.” And she obliges.

 

That night, I go back to my apartment. I’m in the bathroom and I’m shaving my pubic and back hair with my electric clippers. [audience laughter] I think about what Carmel said to me earlier in our appointment when I was giving her directions and she cut me off, she said, “Darling, could I give you a suggestion? Just shave your fucking head.” [audience laughter] I turned those clippers back on. I go right to the sideburn, over the side, over the top, completely bald,- [audience cheers and applause] -making me the first completely bald man in my family. The next day I go to work. All my coworkers, “Foley! Looking good. Nice head. Looks good on you.” All right. I’m strutting around the office like John Travolta. [audience laughter] I get out of the shower each time, I pat my head dry and it feels like a cool mountain breeze over my scalp. I go home to visit my parents. My mother opens the door, there’s her bald son, “No.” [audience laughter] I go, “Yes.” So, today, I’m married. My wife and I have a 17-month-old son. [audience cheers and applause] 

 

Yeah. Well, I’ll tell you. I don’t know whose genes he’s going to inherit. But if he inherits my genes and starts going bald at 20, I’m telling my son, “Son, be bald, be proud.” Thank you.