Paige Cornwell - Grief in a Bra Shop

 

 

I just realized I'm wearing my work badge. That's so embarrassing. [audience laughter] Okay. [chuckles] So, I am driving back to my childhood home in Leawood, Kansas from the hospital where my mom is in the ICU. It's been another really long day of doctors telling me that my mom's case is really interesting, and unique, and disturbing and other terrible adjectives. They tell me we're not sure if she's ever going to walk or talk again. So, I'm driving around and I want to get my mind off of all this. 

 

I'm 26. I just became my mom's guardian and conservator. I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Like a Tuesday in Leawood, Kansas-- Great place. I would suggest you all go there. So, I look around at the strip mall and I see it in pink letters, “Victoria's Secret.” And I'm thinking, yes, perfect. So, I walk in. I'm wearing a black turtleneck, which doesn't fit in at all. And nothing like anything I've experienced for three months. Instead of stale hospital food, it smells like innocents and angels. [audience laughter] And instead of medical scrubs, there's garters and brassieres and panties that say, lit on the butt. [audience laughter] So, I'm like, “What?” looking around and it's helping. 

 

This woman comes up to me-- It's the woman who works there. She's all sparkly and tits for days. [audience laughter] And her name is Tiffany. This bitch will not leave me alone. [audience laughter] I just want to, you know, buy some sensible black underwear, feel normal again, but she's showing me things with tassels and furry things. And I'm like, “Girl, leave me alone.” And so, she finally pulls up this. It looks like three pieces of yellow floss tied together. They called it a thong, a cheeky thong, which doesn't make sense, but whatever. And she says, “Ooh, this would be very good for sexy time, don't you think?” 

 

So, I say, “Tiffany, I do not have time for sexy time. My mother is dying.” I stop myself, because it's the first time I've actually said that out loud, “My mother is dying.” Her face falls, and she says, “Honey, come here.” She takes me in her enormous bosom. [audience laughter] I'm crying, because I want my mom. I'm also in the bosom of a woman in Leawood, Kansas, and this is not how I thought my life would be. [audience laughter] I finally emerge out, and she says to me, “Honey, your life may be out of control, but one thing you can control is your bra.” [audience laughter] “This situation right here, your mom would not like. You need a different cup.” [audience laughter] 

 

I look at her and I just start laughing, because I realize this is something really small I can control and maybe that'll morph into bigger things I can control. Maybe we'll all be okay after this. And so, she takes me around, and I buy a whole bunch of things that I've never worn. There's like lace and satin and tassels and weird stuff. She's ringing me up, and I spent like a hundred dollars. I also got angel’s card. Yay. [audience laughter] I haven't used it since, but I think they're having a sale. And she says to me, “Now, honey, you are a strong woman. I can tell by your boobs. Those are the boobs of a strong woman. [audience laughter] You will get through this. And also, I put in that sexy yellow number in your bag just in case you have time.” Thank you.