Tonya Camille - For Sister’s Sake

 

 

All right. Of course, this is my first time, but it's all right. [audience cheers and applause] Now, on July 28th, 1982, my parents was given a gift, triplets. Now, this gift was unexpected, because they were expecting one baby, but God blessed them with three. Now, I've asked them many a times, “How did you guys not know that you were having three babies?” My dad said, “It was because we were hiding on top of each other and technology isn't what it is today.” My mother said, “Nah, Alfred, the doctor was a drunk and he left out a few details.” [audience laughter]

 

Needless to say, we were a gift. Now, many people think we are identical, but we're actually fraternal. But because of our physical similarities with so much alike, they would give us these names, the trips, the three twins, the girls or Tiffany, Terry and Tonya. Not individually calling us Tiffany, Terry and Tonya. No, they would call one person all three names, hoping it would stick. [audience cheers and applause]

 

Now, this would get on our nerves, but it came in handy one day in college. Now, Terry, she took her own educational journey, but Tiffany and I, we attended the same junior college. Now, while we were attending this school, there was this test that you had to take and pass in order to further your college career. Now, I took the test and I passed, because I'm smart like that. [audience laughter] And Tiffany, I mean, she’s smart. She failed it twice. [audience laughter]

 

So, one day she asked me, she was like, “Tonya, please, can you please take this test for me? This is my last time. If I fail this test, the world is going to end.” I was like, “Nah, I'm good. I'll pray for you.” [audience cheers and applause]

 

I’ll help you study, but I can't do it. Because what happened if I fail it and then we get caught, right? So, the next day, my mother called and she said, “Hey, Tonya.” I'm like, “Hey, mama.” She said, “I need you to do me a favor.” And I'm like, “Okay, go girl. What you want?” She said, “I need you to take the test for your sister.” [audience laughter]

 

Now, just imagine the horror. Like, your own mother wants you to cheat on a very important college exam. Now, this is not like a lit test. This is not a history exam. This is a very, very, very important college exam. So, I agree, because she is my mother. The test was a few days away. So, of course, me and my sister were preparing. I was studying for the exam. But there is one way that you can tell us apart. Tiffany and Terry wear glasses. I don't. Now, these glasses are not lightly medicated. No, these bitches were heavily medicated- [audience laughter] to where you couldn't see past your nose. So, I'm nervous. So, the day of the test, I'm really, really nervous. I'm like, “Okay, okay. God, please see me through, because if I fail and get called, that's the end and I'll be working at McDonald's.” So, I got to the testing site, presented my credentials to prove to them that I am who I said I am and went to the back of the classroom. Now, the glasses that I had on was giving me a headache. So, I took them off, rubbed my eyes, and then I turned to the left and I see one of my classmates from my theater class taking the same test the same day and the same time. 

 

Now, I'm nervous. I'm like, “Okay, what would Tiffany do? What would Tiffany do? What would Tiffany do?” Now, mind you, I'm Tonya. “What would Tiffany do? What would Tiffany do?” So, I put my glasses on and just shrink to make myself invisible. So, I took the test, got through it. Thank God. Turned my testing materials in. Now, mind you, like I said, these glasses were blinding. So, I'm holding onto the wall, making sure I don't run into anything. I'm almost getting to the door, and then I hear a loud whisper, say, “Bye, Tonya. I'll see you next week in class.” I'm like, “Oh, shit. She just called me by my real name.” So, I'm like, “Okay, what would Tiffany do? What would Tiffany do? What would Tiffany do?” 

 

So, I turned around. I don't even think I was looking at her and I said loudly so everybody could hear, “Oh my gosh, you must think I'm Tonya. I am Tiffany, her sister.” But I will let you know she said, “Hey,” I ran out of that bitch so fast. [audience applause and laughter]

 

So, needless to say, the test was passed. Tiffany is a great therapist. [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause] I am who I am. The only time I will ever pretend like I'm either of my sisters is if I'm at Walmart picking up their prescription. Thank you.