Jo Richards - End of the Line

 

 

I volunteered at an ashram in Lesbos in exchange for accommodation. The only other volunteer was this very tall Israeli man. It seemed very natural that we should just have an affair over chopping vegetables and meditation. [audience laughter]

 

I left to go to Rome, and he hinted that he wanted to come with me. I said no, because I was meeting a friend. A week later, I went to an internet café, and I received an email from him suggesting that he should come for a week. My immediate response was no. [audience laughter] It felt like that affair had existed in a time of sun, and vegetables, and Grecian stones and olive trees. It was best to just leave it in that time and place. He replied and asked, “Why wouldn't I be open to the possibility?” And now if I received that reply, I would run, because why was he questioning my no. But back then, being younger, I thought, “Oh, yeah, I don't want to be close to possibility. Yeah, I want to be that person that's open and adventurous. Yeah, sure, he should come.” 

 

So, we arranged to meet at Florence train station. I so distinctly remember standing beneath this big electronic dashboard, looking down the line of the railway track and all of these very polished, well-dressed Italians in white and beige coursing past me. And off in the distance, I saw this man get off the train. My whole body went, “Oh, no.” [audience laughter] As he walked towards me, the “no” got louder and louder, and he got closer and closer, and he went to kiss me and I hugged him instead.  [audience laughter]

 

And so, began this torturous few days, because there was nothing in me at the time. I have so much compassion for her that even could conceive that I could be honest and just say, “Actually, hey, this isn't working for me.” Instead, I made my feeling wrong, and I just really struggled with it. How could I feel this after he'd flown all this way for me? 

 

He kept telling me to relax. And of course, that just made everything so much worse. Over the days, I just got more contorted and twisted as I completely invalidated my own experience. It culminated in this fight at another train station in Vernazza. He said he was leaving, because he'd flown all of this way, and I was cold and I was like, “Yay.” [audience laughter]

 

And so, I went to wait with him for his train at the train station, because at the time, I thought that was the polite thing to do. We were waiting there, and there was all this tension and turmoil, as if we'd been lovers for years, but we just met a couple of weeks ago. [audience laughter] He was berating me and asking me, why I was having this feeling? I was like, “I don't know.” I just kept looking down this tunnel, this train tunnel and just waiting for the train to come. [audience laughter]

 

The train just kept getting delayed, and delayed [chuckles] and delayed. [audience laughter] But I sat there politely with him. Finally, it came, and I can't tell you the giddiness that he might actually go and this whole experience might soon be over.  [audience laughter] He got up, and picked up his backpack, and he walked towards the door and I played my solemn, I'm sorry role. [audience laughter] And then he turned around and I thought, “Oh, no.” [audience laughter] And he said, “I could have loved you.”  [audience laughter]

 

And the doors closed behind him. [audience laughter and applause]

 

And it was-- [unintelligible [00:32:50] that moment when you say goodbye, but then you go in the same direction. [audience laughter] He came back, and sat next to me and we waited another two hours for this train to come. [audience laughter]

 

He did finally get on the train. The liberation, the absolute joy that I felt, I so relished that experience. It was such a contrast of this bow being pulled back and then just this release of this feeling of freedom that I was just free of this whole situation.

 

And now that I'm grown, what I love most about being grown, is that how I feel is valid. I don't owe anyone my politeness. I can change my mind at any time. I now know that being honest about where I stand is often the kindest thing. What I love most so much is that my yes is a yes and my no is a no. Thank you.