Aydrea Walden - Driver’s Ed Confessional

 

Thanks, guys. So, I don't think any of you know this girl, but trust me when I say you it was ridiculous how rich Julia was. Her gated community was so gated that there was like a gate around every house. It was ridiculous how many horses she had. It was ridiculous how robust her household staff was. She could have recreated the entire film The Help before breakfast. [audience laughter] It was super ridiculous that I even cared about this in the first place, because Julia was a 15-year-old child and I was a 30-year-old woman who really should have had my life together. [audience laughter] 

 

I did not have my life together and that's how I knew Julia in the first place. Because thanks to a divorce and the recession, I had been demoted from living life as a normal, respectable human being person and was now living life as a driver's ed instructor. [audience laughter] I do not recommend living life as a driver's ed instructor. First of all, there is a uniform. Not like a cool uniform like doctors or astronauts get to wear. And the second worst thing about being a driver's ed instructor, is that you are being a driver's ed instructor. And considering all that was going wrong in my life, I probably shouldn't have cared so much about Julia's, except that Julia was both everything I wanted to be when I was her age and she was doing everything I wanted to do now. She was a ballet dancer. 

 

When I was a kid, I loved ballet so much and I wanted to be a ballet dancer. But when I told my mom that I wanted to start taking ballet lessons, she told me pretty definitively that I was too fat to be a ballerina. “But that's okay, because black people don't get skinny anyway. And why don't you be an engineer like your dad and leave me alone?” So, not only did Julia get to take ballet lessons, she had a mom who liked her. [audience laughter] Julia also had three cars at 15. And at 31, I had zero cars, because my car had just been stolen. Rent controlled apartment, pretty awesome. Being the only member of that apartment complex who was not also affiliated with the Canoga Park, Alabama street gang, came with some baggage. 

 

Julia's house also had heat. And at the time, I was huddled around my oven every night because that was the only utility I could afford to turn on. I didn't think that I could dislike her anymore until it was December, and then I made the mistake of asking her what she was going to do over the holidays. And she goes, “Ugh, we're going to Hawaii again. It sucks.” I don't want it to be like, “Oh, my God, you're so right. Spending a week in paradise with people who love you sounds absolutely horrible. You ungrateful little child who can't even drive a stick.” [audience laughter] But you can't say that to a kid. So, instead, I said, “Oh, Hawaii, well, that sounds fun. What do you like to do there?” And she goes, “Ugh, I've been so many times I don't even do anything anymore.” 

 

And I wanted to say, “You're a horrible human being,” [audience laughter] but you can't say that to a kid. So, instead, I said, “You're right, that does suck. What about the new year? Any fun resolutions?” And she goes, “Ugh, I just hope next year is better than this year.” Now, I knew she had broken up with her boyfriend, but I didn't care because I was going through a divorce and she was going to be over the sky by next semester. [audience laughter] But you can't say that to a kid. So, instead, I said, “Oh, is it because of Michael?” And she goes, “That, and I really hope my back gets better.” And then, she told me about how she was almost paralyzed. 

 

So, yeah, she was a ballet dancer. She'd been dancing at an elite level since she was a little kid. She told me on and on about all the practices and the shows and the competitions and it all sounded wonderful. And then, she started talking about how that year when she would get done with her practice, her arms and legs would feel really tingly and then they started burning. And then, sometimes she couldn't feel them at all and how she started taking ibuprofen because sometimes it was so painful, she will start taking ibuprofen like candy. Sometimes it was so painful, like, that wouldn't help, and how she started wrapping ice packs to her body all day long and how that didn't help, and how one day she laid down after a show to like relax and she couldn't get up again. 

 

It was a stress fracture and two vertebrae. And the doctor ordered her off of her feet and out of the toe shoes probably forever. And she goes, “Ugh, I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't really know who to be.” I totally got that, because I was going through a big shake with my life too. So, we got back to her house and I looked at her giant mansion and her horses, her cars and all her stuff. It was like it didn't matter how much stuff she had or how expensive it was, because if she couldn't have that one thing that made her feel awesome, it was pretty worthless. But you probably shouldn't say that to a kid. So, instead, I told her very honestly that I hoped that she had an awesome trip to Hawaii. Thank you.