Briony Chappell - Down the Mountain

 

When I was growing up, I went skiing every year with my dad. When I was 10, we went to America, which is obviously very exciting for a 10-year-old. I’d seen it on TV. I knew they had great snacks. Extremely important when you’re that age. We were about four or five days into our ski holiday and we were on the final run of the day. And my dad had said, “Okay, I’m going to ski down to the bottom and I’ll see you there.” So, I was like, “Okay, that’s fine.” So, I was skiing and I fell over, which is obviously cripplingly embarrassing when you’re 10, because you think you’re really cool and great at everything. 

 

So, I fumbled to get up, trying to put my skis back on and I keep skiing down. And I get into a fork in the piste, and one way down is to one village and one way down is the other and I’m like, “I can’t remember.” [audience laughter] I can’t remember which way to go. My dad has definitely told me, and I have definitely forgotten or not been listening. And so, I just make a 50-50 decision. I ski down to one village. And it’s full of people, but none of them are my dad. So, I’m like, “Ah, I’ve made the wrong decision.” [audience laughter] 

 

And I'm okay, I'm going to get on the shuttle bus to the other village and he'll be there. And obviously, I'm there like, “I'm fine, I'm 10.” I'm trying to pick up my skis and I'm trying to carry them and that's something I've never done before, because my dad has always carried them and I've always carried the poles. I'm trying to get onto the bus and the guy is like, “Yes, okay, come on. Yes, you're alone, but fine.” [audience laughter] 

 

And I go to the other village and I get off, and obviously my dad is not there either. [audience laughter] So, I'm like, “Ah, yes, I'm definitely lost now.” [audience laughter] And I think I'm a very well-trained child and I think, what do I do in this situation? I go and find a responsible adult. So, I go into the village, and I see a supermarket and it covered in pictures of animals and it's called Noah's. And I'm like, “Yes, that seems legit. There's definitely a responsible adult in there.” [audience laughter]

 

So, I go in, like any typical British person in a crisis, I join the queue. [audience laughter] I wait. I wait until my turn, and I go to the lady on the checkout. And probably in poshest British accent, more posh than I've ever used in my life, I look at her and I go, “Excuse me, but I've lost my dad.” [audience laughter] Burst into tears. And she's like, “Oh, obviously.” While this is all happening, my dad has had the same experience. I'm not in the village that he's in. So, he thought, “She'll be in the other village, I'll get on the shuttle bus.” [audience laughter] And in an amazing comedy of errors, we've crossed like this. [audience laughter] And so, he's now in the other village that I was originally in, thinking, “Oh my God, I've lost her [audience laughter] and where is she?” 

 

So, however, for me, now my afternoon is really looking up. The lady is really taking pity on me. She's like, “My God, you're so small. You're lost and you're British.” [audience laughter] She's taken my skis. I'm like, “Thank you so much. I couldn't carry them. I'm on pole duty again.” [audience laughter] She's given me a Sprite again, the dream. I'm normally only allowed one fizzy drink per day and this is my second. [audience laughter] I remember that my chalet is called Geronimo, because it's a sign of a fancy name. And she's called the people at the chalet and said like, “Does this child belong to you?” Like, “Is she staying with you?” 

 

And they've been like, “Yes, she is staying with us. Why are you calling us? It's weird.” And they've said, “Well, she's come here and she's lost” and la, la. And so, I've got in the car with this lady from the supermarket who is loving life, because not only is she doing her good deed for the day, she's getting half an hour off work. [audience laughter] And so, I'm sitting in the front seat of this 4x4, I've got my skis in the back, I've got my Sprite, I've got my sunnies. It's sunny. I'm like, “This is America.” [audience laughter] 

 

I get to the chalet, and the chalet host, they welcome me in and they're like, “My God, you're so small, but you're so smart.” [audience laughter] And obviously, in this time, they've called my dad, who is out of his mind in panic. He's in the mountain ranger's office. The [unintelligible [00:05:39] closed for the day, they're like, “Sir, she is not on the mountain. We've sent the dogs up. They cannot find her.” My dad is in full panic mode, thinking, “I've lost my child. What am I going to do now?” Obviously gets a call from the chalet hose, being like, “Sir, we have your child.” 

 

So, he comes back to the chalet. He comes in and like, “You're so smart. You're so small. You're amazing.” And I'm like, “Yes, I am. Thank you so much.” [audience laughter] Obviously, staying in the chalet, I'm the talk of the dinner. My God, thank you. And my dad was obviously freaking out. He was like, “I'm going to have to go home, tell my wife that I've lost you. You're going to end up as one of those children on the side of a milk bottle. This is America.” 

 

In hindsight, this story really is only funny, because I'm okay. There's nothing quite like ruining a holiday, like losing the person that you're with. [audience laughter] And then the next day, we went to the local electronics store and we bought walkie-talkies. And I'm 10. I'm like, “This is sick.” Like, for the rest of the holiday, we communicate like spies. And I think, well, maybe I should just get lost more often. [audience laughter]