Carolyn Meyer - Don’t Call Me Young Lady 

 

The year I turn 80, which is about seven years ago,- [audience cheers and applause] - I walk into my neighborhood bar and [audience laughter] the bartender says, “What can I get for you, young lady?” He's smiling. I said, well, yeah, I'll have a glass of red wine. But please don't call me young lady. Whether it's a bartender, or a security guard at the airport or even my doctor, they don't call a 25-year-old young lady, but they call me young lady because I'm obviously not young. I haven't been a young lady since Richard Nixon was in the White House. [audience laughter] Now, maybe they think it's flattering or cute. Well, it's not. It's condescending. [audience applause]

 

Because of my white hair, they make assumptions about me, they have expectations. They deny the wholeness of who I am. So, the bartender pours me a glass of Pinot Noir and he says, “You know, age is just a number.” Well, it isn't just a number. Back in the day, it meant I was old enough to drive a car, and a few years after that to walk into a bar and order a drink. But when I hit my 80s, age took on a whole new meaning for me. I've been divorced twice, widowed once, but I still think I have a whole lot of living left to do, if I'm willing to step outside my comfort zone and take some risks. So, I sign up for online dating. [audience cheers and applause] 

 

I have a pretty good idea of the kind of guy I'd like to meet. A sapiosexual, [audience laughter] a man who thinks the sexiest part of a woman is between her ears. [audience laughter] I decide not to lie about my age. Low maintenance compensates for high mileage. [audience laughter] I write what I think is an intriguing profile and I post it with some recent pictures and the algorithms kick in. [audience laughter] You don't smoke, you both like dogs, you both lift weights. What more could anyone ask for? [audience laughter] 

 

So, I start meeting some of these guys for coffee dates, and they're pleasant enough. But I always feel I'm interviewing a man I don't want to hire [audience laughter] for a job he doesn't want to get. [audience laughter] But then, along comes Michael. Michael's an architect. There's a picture, a photograph of him silver temples at the-- good looking guy. And candid shots of him riding his Ducati motorcycle and strolling through a museum somewhere. 

 

Now, Michael is 10 years younger than I. It doesn't seem to bother him. It doesn't bother me. [audience laughter] Well, there is a problem. He lives in Lincoln, Nebraska and I live in Albuquerque, New Mexico. There's about a thousand miles in between there, and that could present some problems, but not even thinking about that at the time. 

 

We exchange messages through the website and then on our personal email accounts. And then, very quickly, we're talking on the phone. We have a lot to talk about. We talk about the personal stuff, our marriages, and our disappointments and our enthusiasms, our dreams. Pretty soon, we are talking every day. Every day. He calls in the morning and says, “Talking with you is a ray of sunshine in my life.” He calls in the evening and says, “You are my sweet addiction.” Oh, my God. [audience laughter] Yeah, I just love that. [audience laughter] Who wouldn't? So, these are very intense conversations. 

 

One night, we've been doing this for a while and I've really come to trust him and feel comfortable with him, and I tell him about the mastectomy that I had decades ago, but how it still affects how I feel about myself as a woman. We end the conversation and say goodnight, and Michael sends me a message, “My dear Carolyn, you're a strong woman. I'm growing fond of you and I want to thank you for sharing something so deeply personal with me.” Well, I am growing very fond of Michael. And so, naturally, we begin making plans, talking about how we're going to meet. Michael has an idea. He has to go to Kuala Lumpur on an architectural thing. He's the lead architect on a shopping center that's being built there. On his way back, he will stop off in Albuquerque, and we'll spend some time together, and get to know each other on a real basis and see where this is taking us. 

 

Well, I am so excited about this, but I am also apprehensive. When we actually meet and he sees me in the flesh, is he still going to be attracted to me, the wrinkles, the flab, the mastectomy scars. But we would proceed with this plan. He flies to Malaysia and we still continue to talk every day, because we figured out this 14-hour time difference. He tells me about the delicious Malaysian food, and he talks about the translator he's hired and the engineers. He has all sorts of funny stories to tell. It's almost like I'm on this journey with him. And so, I begin to make plans about what we're going to do. I get a haircut and I [audience laughter] buy some new underwear. [audience laughter] Yeah, and I plan the meals that I'm going to cook for him and the trips I'm going to take him around New Mexico. I'm really excited about this. 

 

The morning that he has to leave, he calls me and he sounds terrible. “Michael, what's wrong?” He says, “Oh, I'm down at the port at the customs house and I'm waiting to sign off on some equipment, specialized equipment, that we need for this project. And the customs people won't release it to me, because they haven't paid the customs fees.” “Oh, Michael, what are you going to do?” He says, “Carolyn, you know I'd never ask this of you if it weren't that my whole career is tied up in this. Could you possibly lend me some money to pay those fees? I promise I'll pay them back as soon as I get back to Nebraska.” “Well, of course, Michael. Of course, I'll-- How much do you need?” “$50,000” he said. “50 grand? Michael, I don't have $50,000.” 

 

My problem-solving kicks in. Well, call the bank in Nebraska. Call your architectural partners. Call the shippers of the equipment. He has a reason why none of this will work. Well, he says, “Could you make it $30,000?” Well, as the dollar number dropped, the red flag went up. [audience cheers and applause] 

 

There were probably red flags before, but I didn't see them or maybe I didn't want to see them, but all of a sudden, everything is crystal clear. His plan to come to visit, being his sweet addiction, who he says he is, none of it is true. Well, “No, Michael, no” and I hang up, end the call. That's that. [audience cheers and applause] 

 

Then, I go to Google. Well, might you ask why I didn't do this in the first place. [audience laughter] I enter his name and-- oh, I know add fraudster to it, up pops his rap sheet. He's done this before. More than once. I am not his first sweet addiction as it turns out. The photograph of the good-looking guy with the silver temples, there's a Google thing for that too. That's Peter McCallum, an Australian movie star. [audience laughter] So, I report Michael to the dating site and he is banished. 

 

Well, I'm beyond disappointed. I'm embarrassed that I was fooled for as long as I was. I am also extremely pissed. But I get over it. I move on. I get back to writing again. And then, I think maybe I should put myself out there, take another risk, step outside the comfort zone, do something. And so, I sign up for an improv comedy class. [audience laughter] [audience applause] 

 

A few months later, I'm back at that same bar doing standup. [audience laughter] And I will confess to you that it's pretty raunchy. [audience laughter] The audience doesn't know what to make of it. [audience laughter] Neither does the bartender. And then, I go on and I develop a one woman show and perform that. And I do another one. I keep putting myself out there, taking the risk. 

 

Well, time goes on. You think that I would have learned with Michael debacle to stay away from online dating, but what the hell, give it another shot. So, last year, I signed up again. And along comes Robert. Robert is a photographer. He lives in Albuquerque. It turns out we met before. He came to see one of my performances. I knew over that first cup of coffee that here was a man who really looked at me. He looked at me, he sees me for who I have always wanted to be seen. He sees the wholeness of me. Tomorrow, I'll fly back to Albuquerque, and Robert will pick me up at the airport and we'll see where this takes us from here. Thank you.