Stacey Perlman - Dear Eric

 

 

So, I am the type of person that believes in spirits and that there are people that can speak to spirits. So, a few years ago, when a family friend recommends that I meet with a medium named Tish, I naturally jumped at the chance. I'm really excited about this, because I've never done this before. But I'm also a bit of a cynic about basically everything in life. I knew that I was at risk for hearing what I wanted to hear. So, I promised myself on the drive to her home that I wouldn't read too much into what she was saying and that I would watch my body language, I didn't want to feed into whatever she told me. 

 

But I'm surprised when I get there, because Tish was this 40 something year old woman and she's got short cropped hair, she's wearing jeans and a T-shirt. It's really casual. I don't know exactly what it was I was expecting, but it definitely wasn't a soccer moment. So, she starts to tell me about my career, and my relationships and I'm keeping this promise that I made to myself in the back of my head. I know I need to give her some information to work with, but I keep my answers really short and I put on my best poker face. She tells me I'm going to meet this strong female mentor at this job I'm about to start, and that the man that broke my heart a few years ago is going to reappear into my life. 

 

I internally roll my eyes at this, because I know the odds of this happening are just nil, like, it's not going to happen. But it doesn't matter, because I'm waiting for her to get to the good stuff. I'm waiting for her to dramatically announce to me that there's some other presence in the room with us. This is how it always happens on all these ghost shows that I watch on TV. Well, she instead just asks me if there's anybody I want to connect with. She's giving me the option today. [chuckles] 

 

If there's anybody, I want her to pick up on in the room, it's my friend, Eric. We met when were 16, and we dated in that really limited way that two teenagers from neighboring small towns with learner's permits can date. [audience laughter] But after a few months, I broke things off with him. We agreed though that we were going to remain friends. He kept his word. I, on the other hand, had a much harder time. I did not know how to deal with how awkward I now felt in front of him. So, when he'd call or message me, I would always just shut the conversation down. I'd just end it as quickly as possible. 

 

This went on for a few months. We didn't see each other for a while. We both got our driver's licenses. One day, my mom tells me that she saw on the news Eric lost control of his car. He slammed into a tree and he didn't make it. And at 16, I did not know how to handle the guilt I was feeling, because two weeks before that, he reached out to me and he said, “You should give me a call sometime. We should hang out.” And I agreed, but I never actually planned on calling him. And now, with this news, I don't remember why it was so difficult for me to be his friend. 

 

But I don't tell Tish any of this. I just vaguely respond to her that I had a friend in mind. I'm using this as a bit of a test for her, because I don't know if all those predictions she mentioned earlier are really ever going to happen. But if she can tell me anything in this moment about Eric, then I will know she is the real deal. So, she starts to tell me a few different things about him. But nothing's really resonating with me. She mentions a car accident, so she gets that, but I'm not convinced and I'm actually starting to lose a lot of hope in this whole situation. I feel foolish for being there. 

 

And then, she looks at me and tells me, he says, thank you for the letters. All that energy I'd been putting into maintaining my body language just completely dissolves, and tears are streaming down my face. I'm crying, because I had never told anybody that I used to write letters to Eric. I used to write to him apologizing for being such a bad friend and asking for his forgiveness. I did this for almost two years, and I would lead these on his grave and then I went off to college. 

 

As time went on, the years passed, I would tell myself, you were only 16. You need to give yourself a break. And so, my life basically went on. But now, it's nine years later after his death, and I'm sitting in front of Tish, who has just acknowledged for the very first time the existence of these letters, and I sheepishly ask her what the teenager in me had always wanted to know. “Does he forgive me?” And she tells me that he says, “There's nothing to be forgiven for, because our paths in life cross when they're supposed to. And your path with him just happened to be a short one. He wants you to know that's okay.” 

 

Now, I don't know if that was really Eric speaking to me through Tish or if Tish is telling me what I want to hear, because I'm basically a stranger crying in her home right now. [chuckles] But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I believe in all of this. It doesn't matter if Tish has proven herself to me, or if she's telling me what I want to hear, because more than anything, it's what I needed to hear. I just didn't know that after all these years, I still needed to hear it. And so, I left that day, not necessarily with his forgiveness, but I did finally leave with my own. Thank you.