Jameer Pond - Cheeseburger

 

Okay. Hey y'all. How you doing? It's the first week of college at Lincoln University in Pennsylvania, and I'm standing in the student union building and my eyes are locked on a flyer on the wall. The flyer has a microphone on it. And in big black bold letters, it says, sign up for the dumb whack talent show. [audience laughter] And I say, hell yes. [audience laughter] Why wouldn't I? I'm looking at the time for some popularity. I wanted all of the clout and I knew that this would be my first step forward. Plus, I would get to be crowned King of Comedy at Lincoln University. 

 

I was a standup comedian at the time for three years. I first graced the stage at 14 years old in a program sponsored by the Gotham Comedy Club called Kids ‘N Comedy. I wasn't real popular in high school. But on that stage, that was like my safe haven where I could be the most comfortable and free. From 14 years to 17 years, I developed this tight 10-minute act that was destroying rooms all over New York City. 

 

Now, I can't remember all of my jokes, but I definitely remember one being about my mom throwing big words at me that I didn't understand in arguments. She was like, “Jameer, you are monopolizing the phone. Jameer, you are monopolizing the phone.” [audience laughter] I didn't understand what Mr. Monopoly had to do with using the house phone, [audience laughter] but I was pissed. My favorite joke that I remember was like my opening joke. It was the one that set everything off. It had to do with teenage dating, and just dating girls at the time who had no boo taste while I had McDonald's pockets. [audience laughter] And so, this was like a natural progression for me. This would be my first roadshow. So, I signed up for the dumb whack talent show. 

 

Now, it was about a week out, so I didn't have a lot of time to promote. So, I told a whole bunch of my newfound friends and my crush at the time. I called her Lavender, because she looked like an older version of Lavender from Matilda. [audience laughter] Big glasses, freckles, brown skin, beautiful smile. And when she said, “Yes, I will attend,” I said, of course you will, because who's going to stand next to me while I get coronated the King of Comedy at Lincoln University? As you can tell, I was pretty confident. 

 

The only thing I was really worried about was what I was going to wear. All my favorite comedians were fly, but they all wore leather. Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence, Chris Rock, all well-groomed men who wore leather. I didn't have leather money, so I had to make shift what I had. So, the night of the show, I'm walking down to the student union-- I'm sorry, not walking, strutting. [audience laughter] I'm strutting down to the student union building in my crisp white polo shirt with blue stripes on it, some real dark denim jeans, and my white and blue patent leather Air Force 1s. I was clean, y'all. [audience laughter] Thank you. Okay. Y'all, so gracious. 

 

I didn't have probably the cologne or smell goods that they had, but I did have my dad's half used bottle of Joop. [audience laughter] I sprayed that in the air. So, now, I'm clean, confident and smelling like a 58-year-old divorcee. [audience laughter] I was ready. I get to the backstage of the sub, where all the talent is. 

 

There's a camera crew from the local Lincoln television station, and they asked if they can interview me. And I said, sure. I gave him my introduction. I'm Jameer Pond. I'm from Brooklyn, New York. I'm a standup comedian, and I'm going to be famous one day and I'm going to make Lincoln a lot of money. And the girl behind the camera was like, “Oh, okay, excuse me.” And I said, you excused. [audience laughter] The confidence had teetered over to cocky, but I said what I said and I stood on it. [audience laughter]

 

Finally, the emcee of the show calls my name. He said, “We’ve got Jameer Pond coming up next. He going to do a little comedy for, y'all. Give him a round of applause.” As I'm walking up the stairs, I hear a scattered round of applause. I stand on stage and the first thing I noticed, it Is really bright in here. 

 

Now, usually, I'm doing clubs and venues like this where I could barely see my hands. At this point in the student union building, I'm seeing over 300 plus black people faces. They all had the same, you better be funny face. [audience laughter] I was slightly nervous. I can't lie. But when I looked over to the right, I saw my friends that I had asked to come and I saw Lavender. She gave me a thumbs up and mouth, “Good luck, boo.” And I said, thank you, boo. [audience laughter] That's all I needed. I grabbed the microphone confidently, I placed the mic stand behind me and I proceeded with my joke. Here's my joke face. 

 

Okay. Hey. Hey y'all. You know, dating's really tough. Dating's really tough. I'm from Brooklyn, New York, and I had a girl come up to me and say, “Jameer, if you want to date me, you got to pay for my hair, pay for my nails and buy me some jewelry.” I looked at her like she was crazy. Now, here's the punchline. “I got $2.50 in my pocket. You better decide whether you want cheese on your burger or not.” [audience laughter] 

 

The room was more silent than this. [audience laughter] I had to check the microphone to see if it was on, because usually, when I get to $2.50, people are holding their sides. But as I'm looking at the 300 plus black people faces, they are all blank and looking at me like, “Where are the jokes?” I'm standing on stage in silence. It felt like the longest time ever. 

 

Finally, a gentleman stands up in the middle of the crowd. We lock eyes. He looks at me and leans in and says, “Boo,” [audience laughter] and sits back down. [audience laughter] It's like a dagger hit my chest. I had never been booed before, let alone single booed. [audience laughter] Suddenly, droves of people began to boo my soul out my body. [audience laughter] 

 

Now, it's bad enough to get booed. It's even worse when you got to look your booies in the eye. [audience laughter] I'll never forget this girl, Dominique. I had math class with her. I will never forget her hands clasped up against her mouth, yelling, “Boo, you suck.” [audience laughter] We was just doing A square plus B square plus C square together. 

 

I look over at Lavender, and she no longer has on a winning smile or the thumbs up is more like, yeesh. I don't know if I want to be around for this coronation of this king. I was too nervous because I had never been booed before to start any jokes up. I stood on stage and watched people actively boo me [audience laughter] until I finally got sick and tired of it and I ran off stage. I know, right? [audience laughter] 

 

As I'm running through the building, I'm thinking, I hope I don't run into that camera crew again, [audience laughter] because I'm sure they got some questions for me. [audience laughter] I ran all the way back to my dorm, depressed, embarrassed, hurt and still smelling like a 58-year-old divorcee [audience laughter] who lost everything. At this point now, I just got a cat with me now. 

 

I stayed in my room for three days, because I wanted to evade the barrage of those constant boos that I still had in my head. And finally, I left my room, not because I wanted to, but because I had class, it was Monday. I still had 3.998 years left on campus. [audience laughter] I got the popularity I wanted. Oh, yeah, I sure did. 

 

For the rest of the semester, people would hurl insults using the line cheeseburger at the end to talk about me, “Hey, there go that cheeseburger, Boo. Ain't nothing funny about, Boo.” I'm like, “I'm right here, y'all. I can hear and see, y'all, talk about me.” I no longer wanted the big clout. I found a crew of people who I finally settled down, and just became one of the guys. 

 

Two years later, Lavender and I finally did date. She had to let the stink off of me, getting booed took two years, y'all. I learned from that not to take my gift for granted. I was cocky, and because I had done these amazing things in New York, I didn't read my audience. I didn't take the time to put the craft in and I reaped what I sowed. But the biggest lesson that I walk away with and I give to y'all, is that if you ever see a show of talent that has the words dumb or whacking them, turn the other way. Thank you.