Meg Ferrill - Buy It All Now

 

It was Friday afternoon, and I was at work when I got an email from my wife. It was empty except the subject line, which just said, "These bitches are stealing our sperm. Buy it all now." [audience laughter] The thing is, I'm just not an impulsive person. [audience laughter] It took me five years to ask my wife to marry me. It took me five years, because I'm the kind of person that thinks that they can create a perfect moment, whereas my wife, she's just the kind of person who rides any moment out like it's a wave. 

 

So, I knew when she sent this email that it was a call to action. [audience chuckle] It was a modern-day Paul Revere warning. And the British were these bitches and they were coming for our sperm, [audience laughter] and I needed to buy it. But the thing is, I'd never really wanted kids. 

 

When I was little, my mom said to me once and I'm quoting, she said, "I'm going to love you even if you're a serial killer on death row for having killed someone." Not only is that redundant, [audience laughter] but that is some really hardcore unconditional love. [audience laughter] I remember thinking, I'm never going to love anyone that much. So, you see, we hadn't gone into this with the purpose of making a baby. Sure, we had casually talked about kids, like how we casually talked about going to Greece or like we casually talked about taking the dog to the groomer. Neither of which we've done, y'all. [audience chuckle] Neither. 

 

In fact, prior to this, my only baby making experience was when me and my sister went to go get our Cabbage Patch Dolls. [audience chuckle] She got a brown hair, brown eyed girl very much like her. And I chose a half human, half cat. [audience laughter] Like, I'm just not made out for this. I'm not even a nurturer. Like, I don't even like to be touched. Like, when I see people approaching for a hug, I can feel my bones brace for impact. [audience laughter] 

 

But most of all, I just really didn't want to be like my dad. Content with a title, but not dig for a real relationship, someone that could go 5 or 10 years without talking to their kid. Because that ability he has to distance himself from anyone and everything, well, I have that too. But then, y'all, my wife said she found a deal. [audience chuckle] There is nothing I love more than a deal. [audience laughter] 50 bucks for three months of unlimited access to all the sperm bank donor profiles. We're talking medical records, written responses, audio interviews, baby pictures. Like, ironically, I was about to know more about these donors than I know about my wife. 

 

And at first, it was just like fun. It was just fun. Like, all the donors have these surreal names to protect their identity. So, statistically, there could be a Tristan in the audience, but is he sitting next to a Bishop Calhoun, Othello and Paisley? [audience laughter] It's like some hipster mom on basalt got loose on the website. [audience laughter] And so, it just creates this fantastical environment. So, at first, it really just was fun.

 

I remember listening to one audio interview and the donor was asked what his best trait was. And he said, “My best trait is that I’m a genius.” [audience laughter] That is not what geniuses sound like. [audience laughter] But I was hooked. I couldn’t stop looking. It was like watching people pick their nose in public. Like, no matter how much you want to turn away, you can’t stop looking. 

 

Now, anybody that’s ever made a baby with love and science knows that it is an excruciatingly long timeline, and that your process starts by making decisions that nature usually works out for you. Like, for instance, my wife really wanted a blond hair, blue eyed donor, like me. I know you don’t know my wife, and I know you’re probably all thinking that I’m exceptionally attractive, so that makes sense.

 

But the thing is, my wife is super-hot. Like, so hot that if hot’s coming from anywhere, it’s coming from her. Like, she is so hot that I net 15 drinks a year just by being the pretty lady’s friend. [audience laughter] But that’s what you end up doing. You end up dissecting these profiles. Pd pretty soon, you start to feel like this mad scientist creating the boldest, most beautiful, definitely not balding Frankenstein there ever was. 

 

So, after countless profiles and making a decision, then reversing it, then making a decision, then reversing it, we finally found him, our donor. Just to put it really simply, he was just someone you would want more of in this world. But now, there was an actual email demanding actual action by them all now. “How much is all?” I wrote. Because I know that our health insurance doesn’t consider us infertile. We just can’t make a baby. Another health insurance oxymoron. 

 

And now, some babies, they’ll just run you five shots of tequila and maybe an STD. [audience laughter] But babies of love and science, they can really add up. On top of sperm, there’s IUI insemination, which will run you 350 a go, but it only gives you a 10% to 20% chance of pregnancy. And then, there’s IVF, and that'll get you up to a 30% or 40% chance of pregnancy, but you’re also out 15 grand to go. Yeah. And then, there’s doctor’s visits, fertility drugs, egg transfers, surrogates. I mean, this is a really planned pregnancy. Tequila shots don’t even come into play until you see the credit card bill. [audience laughter] 

 

So I asked, “How much is all?” “10 vials,” she wrote. “10 vials at $700 a pop. Girl, I could buy you a man for that much money.” [audience laughter] So, there I sat with my cursor hovering over my virtual cart filled with a modest amount of virtual sperm. Part of me was thinking, my bank’s about to freeze my credit card for suspicious activity and I’m going to have to explain that sperm was indeed one of my last three purchases. [audience laughter] Gas, burrito and yes, a couple grand of sperm. [audience laughter] 

 

But most of me knew that I was just really scared. Like, I’d been in all the big moments of my life. Like, when I asked my wife to marry me. Because big moments mean big change. But I also knew that the only thing I have ever regretted about those moments was not doing them sooner. 

 

Now, guys, this is not what pregnancy looks like. [audience laughter] This is what beer looks like. [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause] My wife carried, and our son is 16 months old. [audience cheers and applause] I'll tell her you said that. [audience chuckle] She did most of the work. I have never been so scared of anything as I am to be a parent. But I can tell you the first time I heard his heartbeat, this strong as a goddamn ox, because he's my kid. Beat, this rhythm of his life, this thing that is so common that everyone in here has it but in that moment felt so incredibly unique. I heard my wife say, "Oh, God, you're not crying, are you?" [audience chuckle] 

 

Parenting is really hard. I'm sure a lot of you know that. If we're being really honest, I thought I would be a better parent. I'm okay, but I'm not great. I talk too loud, my touch is abrasive and patience is just something I'm really working on.

 

Each night, we have the same bedtime routine and it always ends with me turning off the light and turning on the noise machine and slowly shutting the door. I always watch as my wife holds our son in her arms, and she kisses him so freely, and she holds him so tightly and she starts into the softest hum that you've ever heard. And she, like me, has absolutely no idea what she's doing, but somehow, she is just so much better or braver or both. 

 

I thought that I would be a better spouse. I thought that I would do more. I thought that I would listen more. I thought that this heart that took me to her would take over. I thought that simply, because our son, Gus, existed, that I would be something different, something better, something more than who I am. In fact, the only thing I really know to be true, is that we have the number one ingredient you need for a happy kid. A dog. [audience laughter] And of course, love. So much love. 

 

A year ago, I quit my job and I'm now a stay-at-home parent. It is by far the hardest job that I have ever had. I really should have been fired a long time ago. [audience laughter] But the thing is, my boss is this tiny boy who for some reason thinks that I'm made of magic. What is it they say? Fake it till you make it? Abracadabra, bitches.