Tony Ciprien - Bullshit Repellant 

 

Growing up in Watts, California, you're bound to have a never again. [audience chuckles] I could be up here telling you about the 10-year-old who found himself behind the wheel of a stolen 1963 Falcon and crashed. I could be standing here telling you about the 12-year-old who was arrested for possession of a firearm only to have his name changed by the booking officer. I could be standing here telling you about the 15-year-old who was in possession of a stolen meat slicer. [audience laughter] Nah, I'm going to tell you about the 17-year-old who was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced for his role in a gang-related homicide.

 

 Mind you, he fell asleep during trial for two reasons. One, lack of sleep. Two, lack of hope. But the judge, she made sure that he was awake during the sentencing phase. She said, "Will the defendant please rise?" There I stood, all 120 pounds of me. She said, "You've been a very busy young man." She said, "It is here that I sentence you by the power vested in this court to 26 years to life in the California Department of Corrections." She said, "But I'm going to forego the last part of this sentence because of your baby face and your small stature. I hereby sentence you to the California Youth Authority, where you will remain until age 25." That time, a youth authority was short spent.

 

By age 19, I found myself standing in San Quentin, one of California's most dangerous prisons. 4D20, 4th Tier, 20th Cell, D Block. Went through the cell bars. I could see wind surfers. [audience chuckles] Now, that was freedom, I thought, something that I would never see again. At age 24, I found hope through a friend who threw me a lifeline. Hope, understanding, and compassion. No matter what, never again stories I may have told her. At age 29, that hope started to fade, for I saw men dying around me, I saw a man die from an abscess tooth being pulled. He went to the dentist, they pulled the tooth, the poison released into his bloodstream, and he died. 

 

I saw a man die from a heart attack with early warning signs. "Hey man, I'm having chest pains over here." "Hey, fill out a sick call slip." Monday morning, they found him dead in his bed. All this hopelessness started to solidify when the governor said, “The only way that a life term prisoner would ever get out of prison is in a pine box.” I turned to drugs for a temporary escape. By age 35, a friend came to me and said, "Hey man, I've been found suitable. I'm going home." Suitability. Every life term prisoner wants to hear that word. If he could do it, so could I. I immediately armed myself with a can of bullshit repellent. And bullshit repellent works like this. "Hey man, I got a joint to smoke." [audience chuckles] "I'm cool. I don't need that." "Hey man, these dudes talking shit about us." "So what?" [audience laughter] I then joined every self-help group I could in order to find the real me. 

 

By age 40, I walked into the parole board. Found suitable. By age 41, the governor had taken it. After that 150-day wait, at age 42, I went back into the parole board. Found suitable again. Governor took it again. At age 43, I'm home. Never, ever a fucking again.