Angela Dohrmann - Bring Home the Bacon

 

The call that started it all was from my sister, Michelle. She was calling from California, long distance, back when there was such a thing. She was telling me that she had her baby, her first, a boy named Jack. [sighs] I was hit with this overwhelming desire to be there as soon as possible. 

 

We lost our mom. Our mom died when we were kids. I was 12 years old, Michelle was 9 and our little sister was 5 years old. I learned that as the oldest, I was often the first to experience those times when being without your mother really sucked. I would always make sure to warn the others. And this was the time. I had two kids of my own by then, and I knew that postpartum was one of the suckiest times without your mother.

 

So, she asks me when I'm going to come out and I said, "As soon as I can." We both know that that's not going to be anytime real soon. We just didn't have the money. We did not have the money. I would have had to put the whole thing on the credit card. My husband and I agreed, well, I agreed, that it was for emergencies only. 

 

Back before I became a stay-at-home mom, I had a career and I made my own money, which I missed. But I really missed spending my own money [audience laughter] and charging it. But now, I shared that card and I decided I wasn't even going to bring it up. I hung up the phone and I found my boys, ages two and four, and I said, "You got a new cousin. His name's Jack. I'm not making lunch, we're going out for lunch." 

 

We went to Wendy's, because it was Frosties all around. [audience laughter] I had discovered Junior Frosties were $1, and it bought me 15 minutes' peace, [audience laughter] uninterrupted. Now, it made a terrible mess and I was willing to clean that up for those 15 minutes. So, we go to Wendy's. These were the drive-through days. The kids, the four-year-old, anytime he gets out of the car, he's running, and the two-year-old is chasing him. It's winter, so they're bundled up, and then I got to unbundle them and bundle them up. It's so much to bring in the car seat and the diaper bag.

 

So, we go through the drive-through of Wendy's. And our favorite drive-thru lady is there, we call her Wendy, [audience laughter] and she hands me the tray and the three cups are there. I'll never forget that first cup. One of them has this writing on it and it says, "Wendy's AirTran Free Flight Giveaway." I'm reading the rules there. It seems like it's true. It's a giveaway. There's no sweepstakes, not a contest or trivia or game pieces. All you had to do was find 64 of these promo cups, [audience laughter] says "Select few specially marked," and they would send you a voucher for a free round-trip ticket anywhere AirTran flew in the continental US. And I'm thinking, I'm looking at my ticket to California right now. I'm going to California.

 

So, that night, my husband gets home from work and I tell him the good news about Jack, and then I show him my cup and I say, "By the way, I will be traveling to California this spring." He looks at it and he said, "Oh, okay honey, just 63 more." And I said, "Yeah.” “So, how can I help you?" And I said, "All right, so when you go to work tomorrow, tell everybody at work to eat at Wendy's every day just for the next four weeks [audience laughter] and bring me home those cups." He's like, "Well, you know, I really can't tell people where to eat for lunch." And I said, "Well, you can strongly urge them, Mark, if you want to help me." 

 

So, after the first week-- Let me tell you, that first week, I am frequenting the drive-through. And it's true, they were a select few. [audience laughter] After the first week, I have 12 cups and this Diet Coke-distended belly. [audience laughter] I know I've got to amp up my game. So, the second week, I pick up the oldest from preschool and we head straight into the dining. We go from the drive-through right into the dining room, and I bring everything in. I bring crayons, little dinosaurs, Thomas the Tank Engine, everything. We set up camp and I troll for cups. [audience laughter] 

 

I might see somebody with a promo cup about to throw it away and I'll say, "Here, let me get that for you." This is a small town, but even that kind of courtesy freaks people out. [audience laughter] And also, I found that when I was doing that, I might tip people off to the contest and create competition for myself. So, I learned to just sit back, and watch and wait. And then, I had to wait till the garbage got high enough, so that when I reached in and tried to rifle through and grab those cups that I saw, that I could reach them. 

 

This was going pretty well. I was yielding more the second week. And then, I realized we're almost at the end of the second week, and it wasn't enough. I really had to amp up my game. So, I decided to lose an earring over the garbage. [audience laughter] Like, "Oh no, it's got to be in there." I'd be digging through, because I'd seen all these cups at the bottom that I could never get. It was like, oh, rifling down, "Oh, it's somewhere there" I'd push them up, those promo cups, push them up and then know that I'm going to go back for them later. 

 

One day, I get this tap, tap, tap on my back, and I pull my head out of the garbage. [audience laughter] It's this skinny, pimply, nervous teenage worker. I see behind him, his manager. Yeah, he sends a boy out to do a man's job. [audience laughter] He's standing behind the counter with his arms crossed, and this kid says, "Uh, my manager says you got to go." I was like, "Okay.” “And never come back." [audience laughter] "Okay." So, we decamp, and I pack everything up and I'm hustling us out. And then, of course, my oldest one says, "We're being kicked out, aren't we, Mommy?" I said, “Yeah.” 

 

So, we go into the car, and it's freezing. So, I got to sit there and warm up the car. I'm sitting there thinking, forget it. I'm not going to make it to California. I'm not going to make it. Every day, my sister would send me another more adorable picture of Little Jack. And every day, we would go to that dining room. But if I couldn't get in there anymore, and we're in a small town, I didn't know where the next Wendy's was miles. I released the quest. And then, I see them taking the trash out to the dumpster, [audience laughter] and I'm thinking, those things are pregnant with promo cups. [audience laughter] 

 

So, that night, Mark gets home, and I said, "Okay, honey, me and the boys got kicked out of the dining room at Wendy's. [audience laughter] I'm pretty sure forever. We can't go back, but you can go. I think I'm going to try to use the drive-through still, but that doesn't mean anything. What I need you to do is I need you to watch the boys, because I'm going over to Wendy's and I'm casing Wendy's." [audience laughter] 

 

His skepticism and concern is very thinly veiled at this time, which only fuels my drive to do this. So, I get there, I'm sitting in the parking lot and I'm watching. I'm looking for patterns in how they take out the garbage. [audience laughter] I got two things going for me. One, there seems to be a bit of a pattern. And two, like I said, it's freezing. Those workers, they don't have a coat. They come out, they toss the bag into the dumpster, not even paying attention and they run back inside. So, the next night, I go diving. [audience laughter] 

 

I got my own little cat suit, all black. I got my black rain boots. It is very hard work. [audience laughter] Hard work, disgusting work, dangerous work. Our little Wendy's was on a really narrow lot. So, anytime somebody was waiting for the drive-through, their headlights were, boom, on that dumpster. Like a spotlight. I was the show. [audience laughter] So, I had to stay stooped down the entire time. It was painful, because if I ever even got up to stretch, I'd be like whack-a-mole [audience laughter] to my friends and neighbors. So, I had to stay stooped. It's freezing. It's dark. It's so dark that I got used to-- Well, it was disgusting, okay? 

 

First of all, the kitchen bags were the worst. It's that fryer grease, or as my grandma would call it, lard, all over. Then the bathroom bags were a close second. But I got good at feeling and discovering the lobby bags, which was promo cup gold. [audience laughter] Of course, I'm trying to be very fast, because it is freezing. And I don't care. I don't care. I am loving this job. I'm loving it. It gets me out of the house. [audience laughter] I'm bringing home tangible results from my efforts. Unlike most of my work, which truly is never done, this has an end in sight, and it's called California. 

 

So, every night, I kiss my kids good night and I go to my job in the dumpster. [audience laughter] And I'm loving it, loving it. I even do so well that I'm devising a Henry Ford processing thing at home. And every night, I got to get home, and Mark makes me go straight to the basement every night and change, because I reek. [audience laughter] I do not blame the man. I have got pickles in my hair and cigarette butts stuck to me. Oh, yes. And so, I change and then I'm able to re-enter the fold of the family. I process my cups. 

 

I dump out the cups and then soak them in a hot, soapy water in the kitchen and I let them air dry. And then, at the very end of the night, I take my cups and I go into the den and start cutting out the coupons while Mark and I watch Frontline. [audience laughter] It's very satisfying work. At the end of those four weeks, I fill a number 10 envelope and send it back. And that spring, I walk into our airport, straight for the AirTran ticket counter and hand the man my voucher. He looks at it and he goes, "Oh, you're one of those.” [audience laughter] I said, “Yeah.” 

 

“So, you really found 64 of those things?" I said, "No," and I turn and I reveal my husband and my two kids. [audience laughter] I hand the man three more vouchers [audience laughter] and I say, "No, sir, 256." [audience cheers and applause] 

 

It felt so good to walk, lead my family onto a plane and be in sunny California. We were all going to meet Jack. I was going to be with Michelle. I was so proud. It felt great, you know? I was providing for us. It's just a great feeling to be the person to bring home the bacon, [audience laughter] even if it wasn't in my hair.