Shannan Scarselletta - Big

 

So, the summer before my sixth grade, I received a letter from my new middle school that said, that the way that my middle school was going to let us-- like the new class was all getting to know each other, get to know each other was to have us do a ropes course together like an obstacle course. I was psyched. I was psyched, because this was a new group of people, and I wanted to be one of the popular girls and I wanted like a hot middle school boyfriend. I knew this was my chance, because there is nothing that gets you in with the popular kids more than complete and total physical domination of your classmates. [audience [laughter] 

 

So, I was pretty certain that that was within my wheelhouse. Because usually, at this point in a story, I would probably tell you something like, I wasn't always the 6-foot, 180-pound, size 10, 30, 60 goddess standing before you right now. But I stopped growing when I was 11. So, I was always the 6-foot, 30, 60, 180-pound goddess standing in front of you today. Yeah. Just to let that sink in, I, at 11 years old, was taller than your dad. [audience [laughter] That's true. So, I looked exactly like how I do now, except I had this short Meg Ryan cropped little haircut which my mom said was cute, but that's not usually a word you associate with a 6-foot 11-year-old. It's more of a word like haunting, [audience laughter] or teacher, which, by the way, my classmates thought I was on that first day at that obstacle course. 

 

In fact, one of the boys in my class came up to me and handed me a note from his parents, [audience laughter] which is true. But it was okay, because he was the hottest boy I have ever seen. His name was Matt Felser, and he had spiky gelled hair, like remember that where it went forward and then straight up. He had that forward straight up hair and he had a puka shell necklace on and he was like 4’5” of sexy fifth grade, sixth grade goodness. And I was like, “I am here for this.” We totally vibed once it was clear that I was 11 as well. [audience laughter] 

 

So, the race started. Oh, and by the way, it turned out that Matt was on my team. So, I was like, “Oh my God, this is my moment to show my sheer physical dominance,” because there's nothing that middle school boys find more attractive than being emasculated on a field of battle. [audience laughter] So, the gun went off or probably a whistle. In my mind, it was a gun. [audience laughter] I started and I was high kneeing through the tires and I was army crawling, like Marine crawling, through the field. I was literally 20ft ahead of any one of my teammates at this point, which was great, because all the middle school boys who were behind me clearly had a wonderful view of my butt. [audience laughter] And I was like, “Yes, they're definitely fighting over me, but I'm going to stay with Matt, because that was my first love. So, it's totally okay.” 

 

So, I was kicking ass through this whole thing up until the final obstacle. And the final obstacle was a wall. And for those of you who don't speak obstacle course, what this looks like, is there is an eight-foot wall in front of you. And the object of the obstacle is for everyone one side, your team, to work together and collaborate to get every single person over the wall to the other side. Now, here's the thing. I get up to the wall and I notice that all my tiny little classmates are trying to get over this wall and I'm like, “Oh, my God, I got this.” So, I'm like, “Get over, Matt.” I throw them on over. [audience laughter] And I'm like, “Get over. Come on, Adam.” Adam goes over, and Phil goes over. I'm like, “Marissa, go.” And Marissa just flew over. And I'm like, “I got this.” 

 

I got everyone over the wall, and then I am the last one on the other side of the wall. The object at this point of the exercise is for the people on top of the wall to hoist the last person up over that wall. I am looking up at a group of 70-pound children [audience laughter] with arms like paper bags. [audience laughter] And I'm like, “There's no way in hell this is going to happen.” and I froze. I totally froze. 

 

The reason I froze was not just because the physical improbability of me getting over that wall, but also because I was feeling a brand-new feeling. That was the first time in my life that I felt a feeling that I would feel every time I would hear the word, butch, or every time I would hear the word monster, or every time I would hear the word giraffe in middle school and high school and into college. And that feeling was shame. I was feeling shame in my body for being the person who was too big to do the obstacle course. 

 

Now, the good thing about being Shannan Scarselletta is that I feel no feeling stronger than the need to win. [audience laughter] So, I noticed that the teams, the competing teams, were starting to do that weird monkey barrel thing where they were just somehow getting their tiny bodies over this thing. And I was like, “You know what? I have to fucking do this.” So, I took a few steps back-- I did have air Jordans on. I just want you to know that. So, I took a few steps back and a couple running leaps and hurled my body onto this eight-foot wall. Somehow these tiny little boys whose arms were like the equivalent of the outside the car dealership people, [audience laughter] somehow they grabbed me long enough that I could grasp my giant hands over the top of this board, and I hoisted my own body weight above this thing like the tiny Marine I was, and I got myself to the other side of that wall and my team won. My team won. [audience cheers and applause] 

 

I wish I could tell you that was a day I never felt worse about my body again. But I do want to say that I love my body. I love it, not despite, but because of how powerful I am. And my 6’8” husband loves this big ass body as well. And in fact, the moment he fell in love with me was when he watched me play Division 1 basketball, sweating my ass off against the Harvard women's basketball team. So, I was onto something as a sixth grader.