Mariya Dostzadah Goodbrake - Between Worlds

 

So, it's 2013, and I am getting married. My wedding is coming up, and I am nervous. 

 

Now, let me backtrack just a little bit. I'm originally from Afghanistan, raised in a devout Muslim home. My family fled Afghanistan during the Soviet invasion. We fled to Iran, and then I was moved to India and then we finally got to Canada as refugees. Growing up in Canada, I remember my father. He was just very, very adamant, holding on to our cultural identity. He definitely did not want his family, especially his daughters, to lose our Muslim identity. 

 

Me, on the other hand, [chuckles] thought the Western culture was fascinating. I mean, to think that a young Muslim refugee girl could dream differently, dream big and be whatever I wanted to be. And so, I went on this path of new discoveries, and that included travels later on in my life. 

 

At 25 years old, I went to Mexico. I remember when I got there, and I was thinking, this place is just beautiful, it's peaceful. So, I end up staying there and meeting some people, and they're like, "Hey, do you want to help out at a surgical center?" I was like, "Yeah, sure." [audience chuckle] So, I end up, in a short period of time becoming an administrative assistant for this Christian medical organization. 

 

Three, four years go by, and I'm spending a lot of time with these Christians, deepening my understanding and just learning about Christianity. I mean, in the midst of all of that, trying to understand, what is my identity here? But honestly, when I think back on it, in all of that I just remember, I'd never felt something like that before. Mind you, my family back home had no clue that this was going on. [chuckles] I made sure that I kept these two worlds very, very separate. 

 

So, in 2013, I get this invitation from a church to take a mission’s course. I find myself moving to the most fascinating and foreign place that I've ever been, Kansas City, Missouri. [audience laughter] [audience cheer and applause] 

 

Thrown deep into the heart of America into this mega cross-Christian community-- I actually start attending church. It's at this church that I meet this guy, and his name is John. I remember the first time that I saw John and I thought, dang, this guy is hot. [audience laughter] I mean, tall, blonde hair, blue eyes. I had no plans to stay in Kansas City. But after motorcycle rides and long walks and talks, I actually started thinking, I can actually see myself staying with this guy. This guy could be it. And so, we fell in love. And of course, when he asked to get married, I said, "Yeah." 

 

Shit. [audience laughter] How was I going to tell my family? How was I going to even introduce John to my Muslim family? And most importantly, would my father even come to the wedding? Here is this strong Bedouin Muslim man, and he's supposed to walk his daughter down the aisle in this Christian ceremony towards a pastor and pass his daughter on to Christians, a religion, a people, that he didn't think valued the things that he valued like community, family, hospitality, honor. 

 

See, I come from a shame and honor culture. I had to have my father there at the wedding, I had to. Because him being at the wedding was not just his presence there. He was actually a greater symbol of the acceptance of not just him, but my family and the entire Afghan community. By him being there, it was actually going to send a bigger message. And so, he had to be there. So, I had to tell this shocking news to my Afghan family back home. 

 

And so, I tell them this. And five months of negotiations come rolling in, I mean, back and forth and back and forth, for my father even to come to this wedding. Mind you, never actually directly with my father, always through my sisters. I remember crazy stuff like, “Okay, Mariya, have your wedding. Wear the dress, walk down the aisle. But why do you have to have the pastor at the end of the aisle?” [audience laughter]

 

So, anyways, negotiations go back and forth, and finally it's over. And the Afghan clan are coming to Kansas City to meet my fiancé, John, in the Christian community, the night before the wedding, [audience laughter] at my pastor’s house. [audience laughter] I remember thinking like, what the hell am I thinking here? And poor John, during this time, he's a rock star, he's awesome. He's supportive. He's amazing. I think he knew what he was getting himself into. 

 

May 1st, this evening of May 1st, 2014. It's 8 o'clock, I mean, they're already 45 minutes late. Afghans are notorious for being late. So, if they showed up right now, technically, they’d be early. [audience laughter] And I'm pacing back and forth. I'm frustrated, I'm anxious, I'm dirty sweating. And the house is just full of the smell of Afghan kebabs. How the hell did I find an Afghan restaurant in Kansas City? I don't know. I look over to the living room and I can see my friends from Toronto, and John sitting there on the couch, politely and patiently. I look over at my pastor and he's just looking back at me, and he’s just at ease. 

 

9 o’clock, a knock on the door and the army marches in, [audience chuckle] in order of hierarchy. First, my father, the leader of the clan, right? Second, my mom and my sister, shoulder to shoulder. My sister often thought she’s the head of the family. And then, my siblings, in order of age, like obedient little soldiers. Until the very end of this brigade, were my two very Muslim brothers-in-law, as if guarding this march, right? As they're walking by me, I could feel, I could just feel the tension and I could just feel these walls that are up. 

 

As we transition into the living room, my father zooms his focus on the main chair in the living room, my pastor's recliner. And then, he goes and sits on this recliner, as if to declare his dominance. [audience chuckle] It's as if it's a throne in a castle, right? And so, we have this little chit-chat politely, back and forth, and it's time to officially introduce the honored guests in the land of Kansas City.

 

And so, my pastor humbly stands before my family in this small living room, and he opens up his arms and he looks at stoic face after stoic face after stoic face until he narrows his focus right at my father. He opens up his arms and he says, "We come from two different cultures, we come from two different religions, but we have a similar story. We were both men of war. I did peace negotiations in El Salvador during the height of the civil war and you were in Afghanistan in war. We both saw countries that were ravaged by war and violence. And in the midst of all of that, we had young daughters, and then we took them to a place of hope and new opportunity."

 

And as he's saying this and this story is unfolding, I'm looking around this room and I could just see these walls that they walked in with, just crashing one by one by one until all I see is these rubbles on the floor. You see, in essence, what my pastor had done, in a very simple but very powerful way, was that he had taken my dad's story and then his story, and he had created this third common world. It was in this third common world where these men shared common human denominators, shared experiences, like peace was found in this common world. 

 

And so, the night rolls on. Mind you, I'm super, super still anxious and very nervous, because I'm thinking, like, a small little conversation is going to turn into a heated debate about religion or politics, so I am on super patrol mode. And so, the night starts rolling on and it comes to an end. And the army positions itself to leave in the same hierarchy in which they came in. First, my father, then my mother and the family, they go on. As they're leaving and I'm watching them like, “What did my father think about this?” As they're leaving, I run over and I say to my father, I'm like, "So, what do you think?" He has this perplexed look on his face, and he says, my language, "But I'm confused, these Christians act just like Muslims." [audience chuckle] 

 

As he leaves, I'm sitting there and it hits me that that after 23 years of living in the West, that was the first time that my father or my family had ever had a meal, forget Christians, with Western people. And it hits me in that moment that I don't have to negotiate between these two worlds that I had created, and then have to navigate between these two identities. For the first time, I felt free to think that the mission for peace and reconciliation began over cold kebabs. [audience laughter]