Marjace Miles - Becoming a Man

 

So, it was the summer of 2007. That was a great summer. See, that was the summer between my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college. That was the same summer I got my first car, a 1999 Ford Escort. [audience laughter] That was the summer I got my first job, camp counselor at the Jewish Community Center.

 

[audience holler] 

 

Shalom. [audience laughter] And that was the same summer I even talked to a few ladies. Oh, yeah, I was becoming a man. I was becoming The Man. That wasn't till September 5th. See, that was the day my mom called me into a room. As I sat at the edge of the bed, she said that she just got off the phone with Rachel's mom real quickly.

 

So, Rachel was my ex-girlfriend that I broke up with about a week ago, because I thought high school girls weren't as cool as college girls. Rachel's mom hated me for reasons previously stated. And my mom was a Bible-thumping, Holy Spirit-filled, pray-before-you-eat-or-drink Christian. What were they talking about? My mom continued, “Did you know that Rachel was pregnant? And don't lie to me.” 

 

So, before I continue, there is no correct answer to this question, okay? [audience laughter] I thought about this for nine years. I've done surveys, I've done focus groups, [audience laughter] I've done game theory, the prisoner's dilemma had nothing on the dilemma I was in. And so, I lied. I said, “Yeah, I know. I mean, it's unexpected, but we're happy. You know, we're excited. I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this, I'm going to take care of it, Mom. I'm the man.” 

 

So, I've told this story a hundred times before to friends, to family. I even wrote this on my graduate admissions essay. And I lied every time, because from that moment I said that I stepped up and that's the moment I became a man, that I was ready and that I was excited. But the truth is, I wasn't. The truth is I was a coward and the truth is I was scared. I mean, from the outside, I looked like I was doing okay. I mean, I smiled every time I talked about it, I was still hanging out with my friends, I started working a night job to make extra money and I was saving away money to buy diapers and formula. 

 

But my smile was just to hide the tears inside. I only hung out with friends now, because I was scared to be alone with myself. The night job was because I couldn't sleep anymore. And every dollar I saved up for that child could have very easily went to a one-way plane ticket anywhere in the world, but Detroit, Michigan. The truth is, I felt like a failure. I felt like I failed Rachel for having a child at the age of 17. I felt like I had failed my unborn child, because I knew I couldn't provide what she needed. But most importantly, and this is how twisted I was, I felt like I had failed myself, because I had this very clear-cut definition of what a man was and what just happened was not it. I thought it was about cars, I thought it was about my money.

 

May 12th, 2008. It was Mother's Day. As my mom and I sat at the church, I got the call. As we drove to the hospital, as my mom drove me to the hospital, I never felt more like a child. I had a thousand thoughts going through my head. But being a man, being The Man, it wasn't one of them. So, as we got to the hospital, as a father, you pretty much have two jobs, it's to say encouraging words and to get ice. [audience chuckle] So, I did those. I just like I faked everything else, I was faking that. Every time I came with that ice, I stopped and I looked at the elevator and I just waited. I thank God I never walked in the elevator that day, because four hours later, my child was born. That's when it happened.

 

As I held her innocence in my hand, I learned more about being a man in those first 19 seconds than I did in the previous 19 years. I knew that the child, that she loved me, her desire to be and have a father couldn't be touched by anything else I've done or learned in the past. She said that I love you unconditionally, the ball is in your court. And I'm glad I picked up that ball. Because it was that unplanned blessing, that unexpected miracle that woke me up, that shook me, that made me know that my mind, but my concept of what a man was, it was twisted, that my thoughts of what it took to be masculine, it was way out of bounds. [audience laughter] 

 

So, where is she now? Jordan Lynn, my beautiful nine-year-old daughter, is an honors student. She's an avid basketball player and bowler, and a self-proclaimed daddy's girl. And me, I don't know, I guess I'm still trying to figure out what it's like to be a man. But when I come and find out, I'll let you know. Thank you.