Archy Jamjun - Beauty

 

 

I opened the bathroom cabinet, and my sister's beauty supply seemed to speak to me. “We'll make you pretty,” they whispered. “My cooling sensation works wonders,” said the jar of Noxzema cold cream. “I will tighten your pores,” declared the St. Ives cucumber face mask. And then, the bottle of sun and hair lightener threw it on the gauntlet, “I will give you white people hair.” [audience laughter] 

 

I was 11 years old and constantly locking myself in the bathroom for the wrong reason. I just wanted to be pretty. Now, my parents’ friends always said that I was handsome and my sister, Annie, was pretty. But as her eyes moved quickly from me to linger on her, the truth became translucent. On this highway called life, Annie could stop traffic. And if I didn't figure it out, I would get runned over. 

 

My sister's beauty allowed her to attend Barbizon, a modeling school in downtown Chicago attended by 12 other girls. On Saturday afternoons, they would practice essential life lessons, like how to walk down a runway and take off a jacket at the same time. [audience laughter] As I sat in the corner with my mom, I just seethed with envy. See, I had seen George Michael's music video for Freedom, which featured real supermodels walking down a real runway. I had practiced in our basement and I knew I could out walk all those girls. [audience laughter] 

 

But even at our temple, my sister was the star. When they put on a production of the Manora, the Thai story of creation, they cast Annie as the lead angel. I had to play monkey number three. [audience laughter] On the ride home, my parents told my sister, what a great job she had done. They were so proud of her. And I, I crossed my arms and crunched myself into the backseat. I stared out the window at the moon and stars, wondering, what I would have to do to get out of her shadow? 

 

I remember my mom turning back and looking at me, “Archy, why do you look so sad?” “Oh, that's Archy,” my dad started, “He see the moon and the stars and he think about science, just like his dad.” These people did not know me. [audience laughter] These people just saw their young Asian son, and figured I would be good at things like math and science, the academic roadmaps for nerds. I was not a nerd. I had Zack Morris, Saved by the Bell hair. [audience laughter] I was pretty. I would be a star like my sister. I had a plan. 

 

Step one, go into the bathroom, lock the door. Step two, take my sister's jar of Noxzema, and lather it all over my face until its camphor, eucalyptus and menthol, made it feel like a cough drop. [audience laughter] Step three, take the St. Ives cucumber face mask, and apply it evenly and slowly, so it came off in one sheath instead of dozens of flakes. Step four, pump in that sun and hair lightener, because in the 1990s, nothing made an Asian person look cooler than orange hair. [audience laughter] 

 

Step five, think about Keanu Reeves. [audience laughter] In 1991, Keanu Reeves starred in the mega hit blockbuster music video Rush Rush by Paula Abdul. [audience laughter] It was a remake of the classic film, Rebel Without a Cause, and I often imagined that I was Paula and Keanu was my rebel. 

 

But one day, as I sat on the bathroom counter engaged in my beauty routine, I must have forgot step one, because the door busted open and there was my sister, Annie. She took one look at me playing with her stuff, and she was like, “Oh, my God, you need to stop. And don't you know these things are for girls only?” I grabbed the jar of Noxzema, “It does not say for girls anywhere on this product.” “It doesn't have to. Why can't you just be like other brothers? What is wrong with you? Do you want to use my maxi pads too?” [audience laughter] “Annie, I will use whatever I want. It is my bathroom too.” And then, I pushed past her. 

 

In those days, however, my sister was so much stronger. She grabbed me by my T-shirt and flung me into the wall. She drew back her hand and clawed three marks onto the side of my face, like Nancy Kerrigan after the attack on her knee. [audience laughter] I fell to the ground screaming, “Why? Why? Why?” [audience laughter] Not only would these marks forestall my plans for beauty, I would have to explain them to the kids at school, where rumor had it, I might be gay. [audience laughter] That's when I decided I'd had enough. Now, this wasn't the first time my sister beat me up. It wouldn't be the last time my sister beat me up. But nobody was going to stand between me and my plans to beautiful. 

 

Now, I didn't usually engage in boy activities, but I had been playing a certain video game, Street Fighter II, and I had become very adept at a certain character, the mistress of the tornado kicks by the tucking Chun-Li. [audience laughter] With the video game as inspiration, I rose to my feet and imagined my sister and I in Chun-Li's alley from the video game. To her utter confusement, I started bouncing around on my two feet, and then I pulled back my leg and kicked her with a loudy yah. [audience laughter] She grabbed her leg and fell to the ground. I had won, or so I thought. Like a phoenix I had failed to even kill. 

 

My sister rose with angry flames of puberty and pride. [audience laughter] She lunged at me and pinned me to the ground, and then she started berating me, at which point I was reminded we'd had dried fish for breakfast. Then, just as she was about to claw the other side of my face, my mother intervened and saved me. And the next day, she took me to Walgreens, where she bought me my own Noxzema, my own face mask and my own bottle of Sun-In lightener. [audience applause]

 

Why did my mother do this, you ask? Because she was not ready for this conversation, and sometimes it's just easier to go to Walgreens. [audience laughter] There was someone, however, who was ready for this conversation, and that was my Aunt Nathu. My aunt had moved in with us about a year before this, and she had bright makeup, big hoop earrings, big curly hair. She reminded me of I Wanna Dance with Somebody, Whitney Houston, and I just fell in gay boy love with her. 

 

A few days after this fight, she pulled me into her bathroom and she showed me how to cleanse my face in a circular motion to increase circulation, how to use a toner to pH balance my skin and then, she showed me the key to life, moisturization. [audience laughter] After I perfected my techniques with my Walgreens brands, she upgraded me to a line from Shiseido, and she gave me a mud mask from a dead sea. [audience laughter]

 

Before my aunt, there was always a part of me that I was hiding from everybody else. But in my aunt's room and her bathroom, I was free to be whoever I wanted to be. Growing up gay, there are these parts of you you're so ashamed of and you just don't even understand it yet, but when someone you love sees it and nurtures it, it isn't too much to say that it changes who you think you can be in this world.

 

When I came out to my aunt in my 20s, she looked at me and said, “Oh, my God, you must think I'm stupid.” [audience laughter] And today, my sister is a northwestern graduate and academic head of her department. What a fricking nerd. [audience laughter] And I, I have an MFA, which means my career is on a journey. [audience laughter] I love where it's been, but I have no idea where it's going. [audience laughter] But today, I walk with my head held high and a proud swish in my hips, just like my aunt taught me, because today, I truly believe I am beautiful. Thank you.