Sandra Kimokoti - Beauty In Brawn

 

Thank you. As a child, I idolized my brothers. I wanted to be just like them. They were the cool kids in the neighborhood, they were the cool kids in school and they played sports. So, by default, I did too. 

 

So, one day, when I was about 10 years old, we had been playing basketball outside, and we were heading back into the house. So, just as we were in the doorway, my brothers were comparing the size of their biceps, as teenage boys do. I got into the flow and I said, “Look at me. I have big biceps too.” One of my brothers turned to me and said, “Who told you girls with muscles are beautiful?” Strike one. 

 

I'm not sure how to describe what I felt at that point. It was a combination of confusion and hurt and I was wondering why it wasn't okay for me to look the way I did and I wasn't sure why somebody else should tell me what I'm supposed to look like. But at 10, I didn't have the words to articulate this, so I just kept it in my mind. But from that moment, I carried it with me that as a girl, it was okay to be athletic, but I couldn't be too athletic, because at the end of the day, what I looked like took precedence over anything else. 

 

So, life goes on. When I was in the sixth grade, my classmate and I were walking from class, going to take the bus home. Her older brother and his friend were walking behind us. So, as we walked, her brother says to me, “You have such big curls. You look like a boy.” Strike two. Wow. So, this kind of teasing about how boyish I looked continued for about a year or so. 

 

I joined high school. I went to a public boarding school in Kenya. In my school, we were not allowed to have permed hair. I had permed hair, so that meant I had to cut my hair or the school would cut it for me. So, I took myself to the salon, cut off my hair, I was walking back home. On my way, I passed by two men walking in the opposite direction. As they walked by me, I overheard one of the guys say to the other man, “Is this a girl or a boy?” Strike three. 

 

I was hoping that high school would be some kind of a new beginning and I could start afresh. But at that moment, I felt like I would never be able to shake off this perception that I wasn't feminine enough and I therefore wasn't beautiful enough. So, as I said, life has to go on. All through high school, I played sports because that's just who I was, and that's just what I did, I played sports. After high school, I started uni in the US and decided, I'll try something different, something new. So, I had seen these posters on campus asking girls to come try out rugby, so, I thought, why not? 

 

So, I walk onto the pitch the first day. I find a few girls getting ready, wearing their boots, getting strapped. One of the coaches walks over to me, starts talking to me. She stretches out her arms and puts them on my shoulders and feels my shoulders for about five seconds and then she says to me, “You're so solid. This is awesome.” I just bask in that glory for what feels like hours, but it's just a few seconds. And then, she has me make some tacos and I realize I really enjoy hitting people without having to go to jail. [audience laughter] 

 

So, in short, I fell in love with rugby. I loved how we would compete on how strong we were, how fast we were, how hard we could hit. And it was about what our bodies could do. It was about how our bodies could perform, not what they look like. My coach mentioned to me, “You know, Sandra, if you really want to, you can play professional rugby.” And at the time, I didn't take it too seriously, but it was always at the back of my head. 

 

A few weeks into the season, we were in the gym lifting weights. Now, our school gym had mirrors all around. So, as we were lifting, I was looking at myself in the mirror, and I realized that my muscle mass had increased significantly and I had a lot more muscle definition now. And as I looked in the mirror, all those emotions from when I was 10 and in primary school and in high school of feeling too boyish, too masculine, too muscular, all those feelings came back. The more I played rugby, the happier I was with what my body could do, but the more frustrated I became with what my body looked like. It was like this internal conflict where I want these two things really badly, but I can't have one without compromising the other. 

 

So, at the end of the year, we have to break for the summer. The coach gives us a training program that has both cardio and weights. And I think, okay, this is my chance. So, I go home, I reduce the weightlifting, I amp up the cardio. I do way more cardio than I'm supposed to do for my position and I also cut my meal sizes by half. That summer, I lose 10 kgs and feels awesome. I feel amazing, because now my body is morphing into this thin ideal that I believe it's supposed to be. 

 

So, at the end of the summer, I go back to school. I walk into my coach's office. I'm expecting a warm welcome. As soon as I walk through the door, she looks at me and says, “What the hell happened to your body?” So, for my position, my biggest assets were my strength and my size. Before the weight loss, I was already the smallest person in the league in my position and I had gone and made myself even smaller. So, what I had essentially done was self-sabotage. 

 

So, for the next two years, I played this game where I did just enough to be good enough with my position, but always toning down the weight gain and the muscle gain. And at the end of my third year, I come back home and I get this opportunity somehow to train with the women's national team in Kenya. And I think, okay, this might be the door to that career in professional rugby that I've been waiting for. I walk onto the pitch that first day and these girls, man, these girls are big, [audience laughter] they're strong, they're fast. We do a gym session. The smallest person on that team lifts more weights than I've ever lifted my entire life. They're a lot more muscular than I am. They're just great athletes and they're so unapologetic about it. 

 

And I know this is the competition. If I want to wear that jersey, if I want to present my country, this is who I have to beat to make the squad. And at that point, I know that something has to change and I know that the self-sabotage has to stop. And deep down, I always knew that the body that I needed to perform optimally as an athlete might not be the body that society thinks is ideal for a woman. But in that moment, I was finally ready to just go out there and be the best rugby player that my body would allow me to be. Thank you.