Caitlin McNaughton - Banned Barbies

 

Mum and dad banned Barbies, and my sister and I wanted a Barbie more than anything in the world. Mum, a feminist, thought that they created unrealistic beauty standards for young women. Dad, a Math teacher, wasn't a fan of the Barbie slogan, “Math class is tough, let's go shopping.” [audience laughter] So, instead, they tried to distract us with other forms of entertainment. Mum tried reading me The Lord of the Rings trilogy. [audience laughter] We didn't get past The Council of Elrond. Dad would throw a ball at us, sometimes we'd throw it back. [audience laughter]

 

We had a lot of math-based computer games in our house. Number Munchers was my favorite, which was basically Pac-Man, except instead of eating delicious fruit, you ate prime numbers. [audience laughter] So, despite all of their best efforts, they couldn't quelch our overwhelming need to have a Barbie. Because in the 1990s, if you didn't have a Barbie, you were nobody. [audience laughter] There were all kinds of Barbies. There was Gymnast Barbie, Workout Barbie, Cool Shopping Barbie, Princess Barbie, Babysitting Barbie. I would have taken any Barbie. I just wanted a Barbie. [chuckles] 

 

I mean, I get it now, obviously. I mean, I was a scrappy little brown haired, freckle faced, big boned, short legged, flat-footed kid. I was never going to be a Barbie and I guess my parents didn't want me to feel like I had to be. But that didn't mean anything to me then. [chuckles] I was sure that feminism was great, but also Gymnast Barbie could move her limbs in literally any way. [audience laughter] So, to me, my parents were just these villains that were doing everything in their power to stop me and my sister from being happy, essentially. [audience laughter] 

 

But my childhood wasn't as tragic as I'm making out. Perhaps, in their biggest attempt at distracting us, my parents took us to Disneyland in 1995. And looking back, I would like to query my mum's thoughts on the feminism of the Disney franchise. But anyway, we went to Disneyland. [audience laughter] It was amazing. It's a small world ride and the teacups probably a log flume. But the best part of it was the Disneyland gift shop. My parents said that my sister and I could each pick one thing. 

 

So, after hours of deliberating, making pros and cons lists and narrowing down our options, we both arrived at the checkout with our choices. She had in a big clear box, Mary Poppins doll and I had a Belle from Beauty and the Beast doll. We got our dolls, we got in the car, we unboxed them and we gave each other a big triumphant grin. We had just orchestrated the Trojan horse of child dolls, [audience laughter] because when you took off Belle's plain blue dress and white apron and Mary Poppins's red and white, it's a jolly holiday dress. Underneath was the unmistakable 1-inch waist, 5-inch thigh gap, [audience laughter] and the feet permanently set as a high heel of our very first Barbie dolls. [audience laughter]