Beau Davis - Baggage Claims

 

 

I'm originally from a small town in Hazard, Kentucky, or in Kentucky called Hazard. It's just as bad as it sounds. [audience laughter] The name literally means stay away, and you should heed that advice. [audience laughter] It was small, it was poor, there were no airports. My parents were terrified of flying. I remember, they planned one flight for us when I was very young. I was just a kid. They planned it months in advance, and we were supposed to take off on 09/18/2001. You might recall what happened the week before, so, we didn't take that trip. [audience laughter] So, I just never flew until I was 24. 

 

Some friends wanted to go traveling, and it was my birthday and it was a good excuse. They said, “Where do you want to go?” And I said, “Well, maybe the Bay Area. I think I might like it here.” Spoiler alert, I did. So, I wanted to come visit. We booked the tickets and I was very excited to get out of here. 

 

However, my family and friends, as I talked to them about it, have you ever been talking to someone and you realize like, “Oh, you have a much lower opinion of my ability to do things than I thought you did,” you know? [audience laughter] They thought I was going to screw it up, just like getting on the plane and flying over. A lot of it's because small-town Hazard, we don't trust those things, they got wings, they're supposed to stay on the ground, they're up in the air, it's weird. [audience laughter] 

 

But also, my girlfriend at the made a manual about how to fly. And not how to fly the plane, like how to get one, [audience laughter] like what to do to get on the plane. I remember being like, “It's going to be fine.” Because I'm either operating either on unearned confidence or crippling anxiety at all times. And that week, I was feeling froggy. 

 

So, that day, the day comes for the flight. I get there, I'm kicking off my shoes, I'm going through security, I'm cartwheeling through the little metal detector, I'm making jokes to the TSA lady. At one point, she goes, “Oh, stop.” I get to my gate an hour and a half early with Starbucks in one hand and breakfast in the other, like, “Fuck everyone who doubted me. I made it.” [audience laughter and applause] 

 

 

I understand why rappers make songs about that feeling. [audience laughter] It's the closest I'll ever be to Jay Z. [audience laughter] I'm there at the gate, basking in my victory. I get on the plane. They tell me there's not enough room for all the carry-on luggage, so they're going to have to check it for me. I'm like, “Of course, I do this all the time. There you go.” And I hand it to them and I get on the plane. The flight's great, I have the peanuts. I've seen so much about the peanuts in the movies. I'm like, “Oh, what am I, a movie star eating the peanuts on the plane? It's fantastic.” [audience laughter] 

 

We go to Chicago where we're stopping over in our connect. They're just laying out all the luggage that was stowed underneath the plane, and telling people were just grabbing, and going and they're grabbing and going. I want to act like I've been there before, so I just grab and I go and I'm walking. The unearned confidence is starting to dissipate a bit, and I'm going, “This is my bag, right?” Because I just bought it the other day. It's just a black bag, but it's my bag. I know it's my bag. But maybe I should check that it's my bag. 

 

So, I pull over until I could see. I unzip the top flap, and I open it, and I see a shirt that I've never seen before, and I lost my shit, both metaphorically and-- Actually, I lost my-- I panicked. I didn't know what to do. I grabbed the wrong bag. So, I tried to remember my training and the manual that I had been given. [audience laughter] And it said, “When in doubt, find a desk.” So, I found the desk, I tried to compose myself, I lifted the bag and the sound that came out was, “This isn't my bag,” which was not composed. [audience laughter] Like, I'm the worst criminal of all time, just gloating about it, “This isn't my bag.” 

 

The person behind the thing, I see her eyes grow as I'm explaining the situation and she goes, “Oh, no.” And I'm like, “Oh, yeah.” And she's like, “Oh, no.” [audience laughter] And I was like, “What do you do in situations like this?” She goes, “I'm going to be honest, sir. This has never happened before,” [audience laughter] which is like, “Hey, that's not true. I'm not inventing new ways to be stupid, that someone else has done this. And secondly, that doesn't make me feel any better.” 

 

Anyway, so, we're both trying to figure out what to do. And she goes, “Why don't you check inside the bag and see if there's anything that would identify whose bag it is?” And I was like, “Cheryl, that's a great idea,” because I read her name tag and it said Cheryl. I get down, and I unzip it, and I flip it open and I'm looking at, “Okay, okay, this guy has these flannel shirts. He's got a lot of flannel shirts, and he's got a denim jacket and a lot of hats. Maybe he's going bald or something. That one hat looks like a Kentucky hat that looks just like my-- [audience laughter] Oh, [beep] oh, no.” 

 

And she goes, “What's the problem?” I wish I was the kind of guy who could have gone, “Oh, well, I suck. I don't know how I've done this, but I've wasted your time. And I look very dumb in the process. I'm just going to leave and get out of here.” I wish that's what I would have said. What I actually said was, “There's nothing in here to indicate who owns this bag. I have no idea what we're going to do.” [audience laughter] Flying by the seat of my pants. And I didn't intend that pun. 

 

Oh, I'll hurry. At this point, she's trying to contact help. I'm going, “Just let me go away with these clothes. I'll start a new life. Maybe they wear my same size. Maybe it all works out.” [audience laughter] And she goes, “No, no, no, we got to figure this out.” And I was like, “Cheryl, I have something to tell you. I knew this is my bag. I knew as soon as I opened it, I just was so embarrassed. I'm so sorry. This is so weird.” 

 

I thought she would have questions. I thought she might call security, because we're in an airport and I'm acting very weird, but she just goes, “Oh, good. So, you can leave?” [audience laughter] And I said, “Yeah, I can leave.” And she goes, “This isn't like a TV prank thing?” And I said, “No, I'm just very dumb and you would have to sign a waiver.” “No, it's not.” So, we both parted ways, both feeling worse for having interacted with each other. [audience laughter] 

 

I sit down and I'm trying to figure out how did this whole happen. So, I opened the top flap, the thing that the shirt was in, and I look and there's a note on the shirt. I pick it up, it's for my girlfriend at the time, and she says, “Hey, babe, bought you this new shirt thinking you could wear it on the Golden Gate Bridge. [audience laughter] Happy birthday, and don't worry too much about the whole flying thing. I'm sure you'll do great.” [audience laughter] Thank you.