Ally Mason - Babe

 

So, the first time I ever performed in front of an audience was in the fall of 2004 when I was in third grade. Every year, the third graders, it was a tradition, would put on a play and it was somewhat of a rite of passage to do the third-grade play. So, we were all very excited for it. I, in particular, was excited for it, because I knew I was going to get the lead, because I was one of the only kids that did not have braces. [audience laughter] 

 

So, I saw this as an opportunity to achieve celebrity status and get the lead. I thought I would get recognition and attention, which was something I really wanted, especially from the new kid who had just moved to our school from South Africa. His name was Dijon, and I was smitten. [audience laughter] 

 

So, Ms. Billingsley, our third-grade teacher, decided that our play would be Paul Bunyan the Musical. [audience laughter] She also decided that instead of casting it herself or holding auditions, she would let us cast it by volunteering to play a part that she would briefly describe. So, we did this prior to reading It. So, we almost cast it blindly. When she described the role of Babe, [audience laughter] as having a lot of lines and a certain solo, my tiny brain thought, that's it. That is the lead. It sounds cute. I volunteered, and I got the part and I was so excited until I read the play. [audience laughter] 

 

What my teacher had failed to mention was the full name of Babe was Babe the Blue Ox. [audience laughter] My solo was glamorously titled I Need Pancakes, [audience laughter] a song in which I lamented for three minutes about not being able to eat my daily serving of two tons of pancakes. [audience laughter] What made matters worse was, was that I was the tallest kid in the third grade. I was five feet tall, so I did not want to be associated with this large character and draw attention to myself in that way. So, I went to my teacher and I begged her to let me resign from the role of Babe the Blue Ox. [audience laughter] 

 

And she would not let me. She said, “You know, that's not fair to the other kids who already have their roles and they already like their roles, and maybe they don't want to switch.” And so, I decided, well, fine, I'll just sabotage myself. [audience laughter] So, at every rehearsal, I would skulk around and be super mopey. But unfortunately, for me, my character was in a hostage situation. Babe the Blue Ox was Paul Bunyan's pet ox. Very unconventional pet. [audience laughter] But Babe the Blue Ox was kidnapped by the villains to upset Paul Bunyan. 

 

So, the whole I don't want to be here attitude was exactly [audience laughter] what the character was supposed to be. [audience laughter] So, I thought I was going to be so bad I would be forcibly removed. But instead, I was praised for my acting talent. [audience laughter] So, I just accepted my fate. I'm going to be the laughing stock of the school and the butt of every joke for all of eternity. I did the performance, and everyone loved it, and I loved it and Dijon loved it. [audience laughter] 

 

People would come up to me and ask me to do my song, and I would have to pretend like I hated the attention, “Oh, no, I couldn't possibly. I Need Pancakes.” [audience laughter] And so, it worked out well for me. I was happy. I found something that I love to do. I was confident, I was popular, I had a boyfriend, and all I needed to do was put on a blue fat suit and sing and dance to a song about pancakes. Thank you.