Laura Gilbert - Attorney at Large

 

Right after I graduated from college with a degree in dance, I started to practice how to talk about my career in a way that made it seem like I had one, just in case anyone asked what I did for a living. And eventually, I got it down to a memorized script that sort of went like this. “Yes, I'm a dancer, but I don't have a job yet. I'm still doing the auditioning thing, because it's really a numbers game. And yes, it's a difficult field, but honestly, it's just so rewarding to be pursuing my dream here in New York.” [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause] 

 

It was super crucial for me to have this memorized script at this point, because I was deeply fearful of talking about the actual facts of my life, which at the time were, “Yes, I had a degree in dance, but I had zero job prospects and I had just accepted an unpaid position as a janitor for a set of dance studios, which they were calling like a work study internship. But really it was just me waking up very early six days a week to clean toilets for free.” 

 

So, the script allowed me to have a pleasant alternative to saying all of that. I deeply believed that if I didn't present a polished version of myself to the world, people might see the very unattractive reality of me, which was that I was anxious and depressed and I was a mediocre artist and I was just inadequate. Also, around this time, I was in a brand-new relationship. So, one weekend, my boyfriend invited me to a party where I was going to be meeting a lot of his friends for the first time. It was a party that was celebrating this group of friends who had just graduated from Villanova Law School. So, I showed up to the party armed with my well-rehearsed script in case anybody asked me what my job was. I was wearing a nice tinted ChapStick, just really ready [audience laughter] to do the best me, you know? 

 

But the party went well. By the end of the night, I had met a bunch of people, I had used the script, we were getting ready to go, and my boyfriend excused himself to go to the bathroom, which left me alone for a moment. And that is when I was approached by an older gentleman who said to me, “Hey, you're one of the recent graduates, right? Congratulations on getting your law degree.” So, here's what I'm thinking. Number one, I'm exhausted from a night of meeting people and trying to present this shiny version of myself. And number two, we are right about to leave. So, this exchange is going to be really brief. 

 

And so, it really seems to me that the best way for me to have a conversation that is both nice and also very fast with this man is to just let him congratulate me on graduating from Villanova Law School. [audience laughter] So, I say, “Yeah, thanks.” But then, he says, “I'm Uncle Murphy. I'm Brad's uncle. Brad from your class.” So, then I say, “Oh, my gosh, wow, [audience laughter] it's so nice to meet you. I'm Laura.” And Uncle Murphy mishears me, because he's saying nice to meet you, Andrea, which is not my name, but also, I did not just graduate from Villanova Law School with his nephew Brad. So, really, it's fitting that I have this new name to go along with this totally new identity. [audience laughter] 

 

I'm trying to calculate the risk in my head, because obviously if Brad, wherever he is, comes over, the jig is up. Also, I'm on the clock because my boyfriend's going to come out of the bathroom at some point. So, on the one hand, I'm playing a very dangerous game. [audience laughter] But on the other hand, I am feeling freer and happier than I have felt [audience laughter] this entire night, because I am suddenly not ashamed of my lack of career, because I am not stress-ridden Laura. I am Andrea, who has just graduated from Villanova Law School. [audience laughter] 

 

My older brother is actually a real lawyer. So, as this conversation continues, I'm just repeating things that I've heard him say. My commitment to the role of Andrea is escalating wildly, and there's this confidence fueling me I've never felt. It's felt amazing. I had answer to every one of Uncle Murphy's questions. What was my favorite class in law school? I'm saying torts. [audience laughter] Have I always known I wanted to be a lawyer? I'm like, “Since the day I could say my name.” [audience laughter] When he asks what field of law I want to go into, in an out of body experience moment, I hear my voice say, space law. [audience laughter] And then, I hear my voice try to explain, what in God's name that field could possibly be. I'm like, “We need laws for if people are doing illegal things in space.” [audience laughter] 

 

In the distance, I see my boyfriend come out of the bathroom. So, I know it's time for me to deliver my closing statement stat. So, I say, “You know, it's been great, but I actually have to go.” Uncle Murphy is like, “Well, we can continue this conversation later. I'd love to hear more about the field of space law.” I'm like, “You and me both.” [audience laughter] But I say, “Well, Brad has my contact information, so we'll just get in touch via him.” I run to my boyfriend. I have never exited a party with more velocity in my life. I didn't tell anyone about the conversation, because honestly, afterwards, it felt terrible to realize that I could talk more freely as Andrea. When I considered talking about myself, I felt like I needed to have a script. 

 

And for a long time, I thought that the only way I could get Andrea, the space lawyer's confidence to apply [audience laughter] to my own life was to just have a better life, be more successful and just be someone worth getting to know. But that feeds into this narrative that who you are at this moment is inadequate, and it's tough time to put that belief system on trial and convict it for being toxic, because maybe everybody's life is just like a big, beautiful mess and we should just start sharing it. And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I grant you [audience laughter] that being a space lawyer is interesting and great, but I would argue tonight that it is equally interesting and great to be somebody who's figuring out their path while they are cleaning toilets pro bono. I rest my case.