Mohammed Zeeshan Nayeemuddin - A Walk to Remember

 

 

So, I was born in Hyderabad, which is a very congested town in South India, about the size of Boston. Every morning, our family driver would take my sisters and I to school and back promptly at 8 o’clock, and then he would pick us up promptly, first me at 05:00, and then we would go to my sister's school, then he would drop us off. 

 

One day, I was five years old, and I get out of school at 05:00 and Abdul's not there. The thing is, Abdul was always on time. Never late at once until that time. So, I get out there, I see he's not there and little five-year-old me is like, “Oh, shit. What do I do now?” [audience laughter] As far as I knew, I was stranded and I had to get home, because clearly this man's not coming. I think he was maybe a minute late, but this is me panicking. 

 

So, anyway, I had two options. One was to go back into school and talk to my teachers. But teachers in India hit kids. They take a ruler and just go town on you for silly little things like getting a question wrong. I think that day I'd messed up the multiplication’s tables or something like that. So, I was hurting and I just didn't feel like going back in. So, that was off the menu. 

 

Number two was walk the four miles through the heart of Hyderabad, get back home. And the thing is, looking back at it, that's a really ridiculous thing for a kid to do. So, here's a little five-year-old me, this tall and with a little book bag and whatnot. And I'm like, “All right, I'm going to go-- towards go back home.” It wasn't really a hard trip. Straight road, one right and there you are. 

 

So, I set off on the main road. At the time I was going through this really big James Bond phase. So, I start walking, and I'm humming the James Bond tune like da-da-da-da, the entire time. And so, in this manner, I reach about three and a half miles in two hours. I get to Charminar, which is this massive, like former mosque, which is a huge cultural attraction in India. So, I knew at that point, I had to make a right. But the thing is, because it's a huge tourist attraction, you get a lot of tourists taking pictures in front of it and whatnot. I am nothing if not a huge fan of photobombing, [audience laughter] especially back then. 

 

So, I would wait until I saw people getting ready to take a picture and I would just time it, time it, time it, and then while humming the James Bond tune, I would just jump behind them and do stupid little kid pose or smiling or whatever. And so, I did this for half an hour until I got really bored and I was like, “All right, it's time for me to go home.” I called it a day. And now, it's only about a half mile to where is my neighborhood at. The problem is between that half mile, I had to pass my uncle's pharmacy. I didn't want him to see me, because if he saw me, maybe I'd get in trouble or something like that. 

 

The way his pharmacy was set up was that it was a narrow store. And instead of a door at the front, it was like a bar. So, people would go up to the bar and they would ask him for what they needed and he would go to the back, give it, things like that. And I was like, “Okay, if I do this properly, I can just sneak by underneath the bar. As long as he's not at the bar itself, he's not going to see me.” 

 

This is where the James Bond thing really took into full effect for me. I got around the corner, I see him there and I just waited, waited, waited, until he went back into the store, at which point, I slowly crawled. I really did that slow, what I thought spies had to do like that really purposeful walk. I get underneath the bar. As I'm slowly, slowly going across the storefront, I hear his voice coming towards the front of the store. And I'm like, “Oh, crap, the jig is up.” And I just froze, waited, waited, waited. It must have been hours, probably seconds [audience laughter] until the noise went back, and he went back into the store. 

 

The moment that happened, I hauled ass and I just ran home. I get to our gate, I open the gate and my mom and dad and my sisters are there with four cops and literally every person I've ever met in my life. [audience laughter] It's been three and a half hours. If you guys are parents, that probably means that if you haven't seen your kid, bad things are happening. I think they were just organizing the biggest manhunt ever. And here I am casually just saunter in through the garden. My parents just lose it with happiness. I think they were just so stunned that I was alive and not kidnapped somewhere that-- They just didn't ask any questions. They were just really happy about it. And so, that should be the end of the story. [audience laughter] 

 

But the thing is, here I am, five-year-old me having had this awesome adventure and nobody believes me. The thing is, my parents and my sisters, they all just assumed that somebody recognized me along the road and realized who I was and then just dropped me off at home and didn't stick around. That's always been the assumption. But the thing is that's not what happened. [audience laughter] I remember it. I walked this street. I survived, man. I survived mean streets of Hyderabad. 

 

The thing is, I know for a fact that there's photo proof that I did this, [audience laughter] because I photobombed so many people. So, I implore you, if you know anybody [audience laughter] who in 1992 went to Hyderabad, maybe took a picture and if there's a five-year-old kid like photobombing them, please let me know, because my family needs proof and I need proof, so that people will finally believe me. Thank you.