Anu Senan - A Suitable Boy

 

 

I was 21 when my dad started to look for a suitable boy for me. I was living in Bangalore, India, at the time, and arranged marriages were pretty common in our family. It meant that not just the boy and the girl had to like each other, but the families also had to like each other. 

 

Four years on. By the time I'm 25, I've met 14 boys, that sequel to 14 failed matches. Boy number 1 was very quiet and shy. I, obviously, loud and chatty. Never heard back from him.  [audience laughter] Boy number 6 was more into my high school grades than he was into me. I said no. Boy number 12. His profile seemed very interesting, but our horoscope didn't match. [audience laughter] The astrologer said the marriage would end in disaster, so the family said no. All the other guys I saw, they thought I wasn't good enough. It was like they were shopping for a wife and I didn't fit the bill. 

 

Now, by this point, my father is very desperate. He thinks I'll end up single for the rest of my life, and it freaks him out. Now, when he gets desperate, I feel the pressure to commit to a marriage very quickly. And that freaks me out, because honestly, I don't know what a happy marriage looks like. My parents have had an arranged marriage, but theirs is a love-hate relationship that borders mostly on hate. 

 

As a child, I've once seen them get into a terrible argument, and my mom ended up with a black eye. And that image is stuck in my head as I wondered if that would be my future. Seeing how conflicted I am, my best friend gives me a book. It's called The Secret. 

 

Now, you may have heard of it. It talks of how to manifest what you want in life. It has a chapter on attracting the partner of your dreams. It talks of doing all kinds of fun stuff, like sleeping one side of your bed to create the physical space in your life for this person to come in. 

 

[laughter]

 

But my favorite is to create a list of all the qualities that you need in your partner. Now, this is easy. All I have to do is look to my parents’ marriage and then decide what I don't want. My partner has to be loving. He has to be respectful. He has to be funny, because it's sexy. He has to be mature and confident, not insecure or jealous around my friends, especially the men. And he has to be understanding, That's it. 

 

Now, that weekend, dad and I are going to meet boy number 15 in a coffee shop. One look at this guy, and I make a note to update my list. Now, I'm short, but he's shorter. [audience laughter] 

 

He's also very nervous, and I'm not exactly warm. So, coffee ends quickly. As he leaves the coffee shop, my dad and I, we get into a massive argument. My father thinks I should marry him because he's good enough. I said, “No way. He's too short.” My father takes offence, because he's 5’4” [audience laughter] And he storms out of the coffee shop. I end up in tears and go to my best friend, because this is not the right guy for me, but my father doesn't seem to understand. So, what do I do? My friend, she comes up with a very practical solution. She pulls out a coin from her purse and she asks me toss it. Heads, my family wins, I marry the boy. Tails, I win, I say no. 

 

Now, I'm 25, tired of this matchmaking charade, and very keen to get my dad off my back. So, I agreed to her plan. And I toss. It lands heads. We look at each other, and then I pick up the phone and call my mom, and I say it's a yes. Now, my mom is my biggest supporter. She really wants to see me happy, but she just let out a sigh of relief. Everyone's getting tired. That night, I cannot sleep because I've just gambled with my life and agreed to marry someone I don't know or even like. What am I doing? 

 

The next morning, my mom calls me back. Apparently, the boy said no. [audience laughter] I'm telling you rejection has never felt so good. [audience laughter] Life goes on. Few months later, early December, my mom calls me back. Boy number 16 and his family are coming to her parents’ house. So, I go over. As I walk into my parents living room, I'm greeted by the boy's mom, aunt, uncle. The whole family is there. And then, I turn to the boy and he gives me a smile. It's very kind. I smile back at him. And in that moment, I felt a connect. 

 

The family asks me a few questions, and then they leave the room to give us the space to talk. His name is Deepu, and he works in Delhi in a different city, and he asks me if I can get a transfer from my office to Delhi. I say yes. 

 

In my head, that question translates to, “Do you like me?” When they leave, I tell my mom it's a yes. The next day, Deepu's mom calls to say it's a yes. So, we start chatting. The next week, he surprises me by showing up in Bangalore with a teddy bear and a box of chocolates. I don't like teddy bears- [audience laughter] -but I love chocolates. We hang out the whole day. And in the evening, I take him bowling to meet my friends, and he hits it off for them. By the end of the night, he has me laughing so hard I stop to think. I can't remember the last time I felt so good. And that list seems to be coming true. Before I know it, I'm in love. And six months on, we get married in front of friends and family. 

 

Today, we have a 12-year-old son. There's one thing he definitely doesn't know, and that's what an unhappy marriage looks like. Thank you. 

 

[cheers and applause]