Heidi Stuber - A List of Needs

 

So, it had just been a week since my son got out of the hospital, when my husband moved out. My son was only eight years old, and he'd been recently diagnosed with autism and he had to go to the hospital because of some pretty challenging behaviors related to his disability. My husband was actually my second husband, so my son's stepdad. And he'd been a really good stepdad. He taught my son to read and he taught my son to ride a bike. He really loved him and he was all in. On the day of our wedding, he put a medallion around my son's neck and he promised to love him like his own son. 

 

But something about the hospital just broke him, and he bailed. He moved out when we weren't even there and he didn't tell us where he was. I was only allowed to call him one time a week for 20 minutes. And for months, we lived like this. My son was a mess, because he just got out of the hospital and the Special Ed Nanny had quit. I had this new job at a startup that I knew I couldn't keep if this man didn't stay in my life. And for the entire time he was gone, I just kept telling him, “No matter what you need, I'll do it. I am all in. I love you so much. I am here to give you whatever you need.” And so, after a couple months, he asked to sit down and have lunch. He said, “I'm finally ready to share with you what I need.” I was so excited, because I knew I was ready to give it. 

 

And so, when I showed up at this really mediocre Mexican restaurant and sat down with him, he slid this piece of paper across the table at me. And in big letters at the top, it was like, HUSBAND'S NEEDS. [audience laughter] He has a name; I'm just not going to use it. [audience laughter] And underneath that, he had listed out very clearly, all the most difficult symptoms of my son's disability. And next to each one, he said, “I will no longer tolerate this in my home.” I looked at this list and I said, “This is impossible. How could you ever expect this? No eight-year-old can agree to never have a behavioral challenge, let alone a disabled one who just got out of the hospital.” And he said, “I don't know if it's possible or not, but it's just what I need.” 

 

And I said, “What are you possibly expecting?” Like, “What do you want? Do you want me to send him away?” And he perked up. [audience laughter] He said, “Well, if that's what it takes.” And I said, “Where do you think he's going to go?” And he said, “That's not my problem.” And then, he said the most incredible thing. He said, “I love you so much, and I love your son, and I miss you, and I want to come home and be a family again.” And in that moment, it wasn't so much a decision as this chasm opened inside my chest. And on one side was this dream of a life we were going to have together as a blended family. And on the other side was the life I was now going to lead. 

 

I pushed the paper back across the table and I said, “You promised me you would never make me choose.” I got up and I left the restaurant, and he wrote up the divorce paperwork that night. I'd love to tell you that things got better, like I got rid of that loser. [chuckles] But the truth is, everything got worse. The divorce was nasty and he was nasty. He got the house and he never even said goodbye to my son, who he had been raising half his life with me. [sighs] I was so mad for so long. I mean, I was furious. All these people, like, I go to yoga and I try to be spiritual and they're like, “Oh, you need to forgive him. You know, it's not for him, it's for you.” And I was like, “Fuck, if I forgive that guy.” [audience laughter] 

 

It's been years now. If I haven't found my way to forgiveness, I've found my way to some peace, because I have had to go to the mat for my son again and again and again. And the gift that man gave me is there was never going to be a cost worse than the one I had already paid, which means there was never going to be a barrier to advocating for him that I couldn't do. And that day in the Mexican restaurant, when I made that decision, that was not a decision. What I realized was my son, who is a beautiful and bright and curious, delightful soul, he deserves nothing less than complete belief in him and unwavering support. And anything less than that will no longer be tolerated in my home. Thank you.