Diane Kastiel - 13 Years Late

 

It was a Friday night, pizza night in our house, and I was making a salad when my husband came home from work. I looked at him, and I was seized by a longing so sudden and so intense, it literally made me dizzy. Right then, practically right there, [whispers] we had sex, which is par for the course when you're young and dating. But we had been married nearly 20 years. Afterwards, when he could catch his breath, [audience laughter] he said, “Where did that come from?” I had been wondering the same thing myself. 

 

Now, I was at the age where you sometimes miss periods, it's called perimenopause, for the youngins. So, the next month, when I didn't get my period, I thought nothing of it. When I started feeling a little queasy in the morning, I dismissed that too. I was under a lot of pressure. But the day I put a T-shirt on without a bra and my nipples hurt, I said, “Oh, shit. [audience laughter] I had just celebrated my 46th birthday.” This is crazy, I thought. “I cannot be pregnant. I have my children, they're 10 and 13 and I am done.” 

 

Sure, a few years ago, I really wanted a third, but I talked myself out of it. Too old, too broke, too overwhelmed. I remembered some reading I had done that said the odds are infinitesimally small of getting pregnant at 40. So, six years down the road, I figured it was about as likely as an immaculate conception. This is what I told myself as I drove to Target for a pregnancy test. [audience laughter] I felt so stupid even getting the thing. I put it in the cart and then started throwing in all this other stuff, [audience laughter] tube socks, flashlights, [audience laughter] Massimo jeans, [audience laughter] anything to give the impression that I was just a normal suburban housewife shopping for her family, instead of a 46-year-old woman who may have gotten herself in trouble. [audience laughter] 

 

So, I get home and I cannot take the test. I am too scared. I'm thinking, I cannot be pregnant. I'm 46 now and by the time it's born, I'll be almost 47. So, I hid it in the bottom of my sock drawer. [audience laughter] Sometimes that helps. Well, it lay there all day long, all night long, beating like The Tell-Tale Heart, [audience laughter] like that freaky raven squawking, “nevermore.” [audience laughter] 

 

So, finally, the next morning, I could not take it. The minute my husband left for work, I jumped out of bed, ran to the bathroom and peed on the stick. As I'm putting it on the counter, to wait for the, what, five minutes it's supposed to take, I see out of the corner of my eye the red line. I don't mean just red. I mean, stoplight red. Like, siren red. Like [Imitates a siren] pregnant, pregnant. Nevermore. [audience laughter] I call my husband at work. 

 

Now, he's a high school teacher, so this means taking him out of a classroom of teenagers to receive the news. [audience laughter] I'll never forget his reaction. One word, “Really?” Happy, hopeful. His spontaneous, honest reaction was one of joy. I slapped that shit joy right out of him. I said, “Don't sound so happy. [audience laughter] I cannot have a baby. I'm practically 50.” [audience laughter] “Oh,” he says, “sorry about that.” [audience laughter] 

 

My mind started turning on me. I really went to some very dark places. I, actually for a while, consoled myself by thinking, maybe I will lose this baby. This is the hard part of the story to tell. And for those of you out there who have gone through that, I beg your forgiveness. But it just shows you how powerful fear can be. 

 

Anyway, eventually, I made an appointment with my midwife. And the first thing she says is, “Diane, how did this happen?” [audience laughter] And I’m like, “Are you kidding me? You don’t know? This is why people don’t go to midwives.” [audience laughter] She told me I was healthy, it would be fine. But she did recommend a test for birth defects that you can take as early as 10 weeks.

 

When I'm filling out the form to take this test, there's a section for your age. The last category is 40 to 45. [audience laughter] There is no 46. “Hey,” I said, “this form discriminates against women in their 50s.” [audience laughter] Anyway, she called me a few days later with results. “The baby's perfect,” she said. “A little girl.” And like that, that's what this pregnancy, this problem, became a little girl. My daughter, Kathryn Grace. I wanted an unusual name. [audience laughter] 

 

Kathryn Grace turned 10 a few months ago. And now, all I want to do is turn back time. The pregnancy was a breeze. She was the easiest baby and I had more fun with her than I think I've had with anybody my entire life. And those fears? Mostly just noise. Be careful of that noise. It seems to get the loudest right when we're on the threshold of what it turns out we really want. Thank you.