English Lessons

Ivan Kuraev — English Lessons

Okay, so all I remember about Abby was that she had long brown hair and that as soon as I saw her, I was totally and utterly in love with her. And what I remember best about her was that she wanted nothing to do with me. It was 1997, and I was 8 years old, and this was my first time in America. [audience chuckle] My English was really, really, really bad. And I studied some English and Russian first grade. But we learned from these Soviet textbooks that were maybe from the 50s or 60s. And most of the lessons were something along the lines of, ​“Comrade, what time do you take tea? [audience laughter] Or could you please point out the way to the Red Square?” [audience laughter]

So, when I enrolled in second grade at Coralville Elementary School just outside of Iowa, these lessons were pretty useless. They were especially useless when it came to wooing Abby because there are only so many times that I could ask her out to take tea with me, and there are only so many times that I could take to get rejected. So, Abby ended up being my incentive to learn English. But I didn’t want to waste time. There are other guys out there. So, I thought, actions speak louder than words, and gifts speak louder than actions. [audience chuckle] So, every morning on my way to school, I would walk by her house and I would put a chocolate bar in her mailbox. And I did this for about a week and I didn’t leave any notes, but I was like, chocolates, Russian boy, take tea with me, chocolates. She put the two together. She ignored me. She didn’t do anything. 

So, I found a confidant in Mrs. Brown, my second-grade homeroom teacher, who was like the nicest Iowan woman in her mid-70s. And every two weeks, she’d give the second graders assigned seating. So, one day I approached her after class and I was like, ​“Mrs. Brown, I am in love with Abby, and you have got to put me next to her.” So, Mrs. Brown says, ​“I’ll see what I can do.” [audience laughter] And the next morning, I come into school and oh, my God, I’m seated next to Abby. And I’m thinking, this is my big break. My English has gotten better. This is going to be two weeks of flirting and conversation and the start of an endless romance. We get our worksheets, and Abby’s all business, and we finish the worksheet, and she turns to her friends across the room and turns her back to me. And you know what? I’m kind of okay with that. Like, I’m kind of getting over Abby because my English is getting good and I’m making friends with all the other second graders.

And maybe I’ve accepted that things with Abby aren’t going to work out. But then in the late fall, we have an in-school field trip to the school gym [audience laughter] because there is a performance by a string quartet that’s happening in the school gym for the second graders. So, all the second graders file down to the gym and we all sit in a semicircle around these string players and we all sit, cross legged on the floor and I make sure to pick a position that’s right underneath the first violinist, but still really close to Abby. And then the string section starts playing and it’s this really moving piece. And I’m thinking, ​“Holy [beep],” this is it. This is the chance I’ve been waiting for. This is my big break. Because if I just show Abby how sensitive I am, if I’m moved by this music, she will totally fall for me. And I’m looking up at the first violinist and I’m trying so hard to force tears, and I’m trying so hard to force tears. And then the tears come and then I’m crying, and then I’m weeping and then I’m sobbing and my body’s shaking. I can’t control the crying once I started crying.

And I’m sitting right under the first chair violinist and you know, he’s playing and he’s looking down at me. And it’s only now that I look back at it and I’m thinking, I must have made this guy’s [beep sound] day. He is playing to this like group of 28-year-olds who are like picking their nose and like shuffling around and talking to their friends. And then there’s this one who is looking up at him cathartically sobbing. [audience laughter] Whatever effect I may have had on the violinist, Abby was stoned. She totally ignored me. And you know what? Second grade came and went and so did Abby. But I wanted to commemorate that. I wanted to give her a goodbye letter. 

So, in May, at the end of school, I sat down and I wanted to do it with my voice. So, I sat down with my mom’s little tape recorder and I put on this fake like 50s crooner voice. You know, like when in the 50s songs they have like the bridge and then the guy drops his voice down an octave. So, I sit down with my mom’s tape recorder and I say, ​“Abby, I loved you, but you broke my heart. And now I’m going back to Russia and I will never see you. Goodbye.” [audience chuckle] And I spent like two hours getting this letter just right. And the experience proves to be so therapeutic that I don’t need to give her the tape. And I lose track of the tape, and I go back to Russia, and I move on.

And then, like a year later, I come home from school in Russia. I come home from school to our apartment, and I open the door and I hear the sound. And my heart sinks immediately because I immediately recognize the sound of my voice. And I walk to the living room, and I walk into the living room, and I see my parents hysterically laughing by the stereo. And out of the stereo speakers, [audience laughter] I hear, ​“Abby, I loved you, but you broke my heart. And I’m going back to Russia. Goodbye.” And it’s so loud, my parents don’t even notice that I’m in the room. And they’re replaying the tape. [audience laughter] And finally, my dad looks over at me, and he looks at me, and I look at him, and he sees the betrayal in my eyes. And I look at him, and I’m speechless. And he’s speechless. And he just turns off the stereo, and he’s gathering himself, and I’m gathering for the kill. And he looks at me, and he just says, ​“You know, your English was really good.” [audience laughter] Thank you.