Host: Dan Kennedy
Dan: [00:00:01] Welcome to The Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. On this week's episode, we've got two stories about the moments and the lessons we share with our family. Maybe our parents, maybe their parents as well.
Up first is a story told by Robert Sherer. And he told this at a Moth StorySLAM in Seattle. The theme of the night was Snooping. Here's Robert Sherer.
[applause]
Robert: [00:00:25] So, a couple years ago, when I was living in New York City, my grandma and I were sitting in the living room of her apartment. It had been about five years since my grandfather had died, so she was living by herself. I was in the middle of a spell of unemployment. So, I was visiting her pretty frequently, because I had the time, because I was the only person in the family that was nearby, and a lot of her friends weren't there, so she wasn't getting many visitors. If we went to lunch, she would pay. [audience laughter]
So, we're sitting in the living room and talking, and I had to go to the bathroom. So, I said, "Grandma, I'm going to go to the bathroom." And she says, "Okay, I'll walk with you." [audience chuckles] Now, I knew where the bathroom was, and despite what I look like I am potty trained. [audience laughter] But this was unusual. My grandma was in her early 90s, and she was getting early in her stage of dementia. So, because I was the only person that was nearby, I was tasked with coming and taking care of her a lot.
My dad and my aunt were living in California, so this involved as much as, or taking her outside the apartment to places like the drugstore to get her medicine or accompanying her to the doctor for those visits. But it also meant doing things inside the apartment keeping track of what was going on. She was a paranoid New York Jew who had dementia, who was prideful and stubborn. So, she would always follow me around the apartment if I needed to take care of anything. She was just always on me. She was like, "What are you doing over there? Don't touch that. Why do you think--? [audience laughter] Look at the photo. It's wonderful,” like this. [audience laughter]
So, I figured out eventually that if I told her I had to go to the bathroom, that she would actually go into the kitchen and read the newspaper. So, sometimes I actually had to go to the bathroom. But a lot of times, I actually had to duck into the den to check through her mail, because she wasn't paying her bills or something like that. Or, it afforded me time to go into her bedroom, unfortunately, and actually search for her dirty laundry, because she would hide it. And the cleaning lady at the time was coming in what, she would clean and also do Grandma's laundry.
So, I had to literally search for her dirty laundry and put it in a pile for the cleaning lady. Or, it would give me the time to look for the mouse traps, like the glue mouse traps that I had set. When I said, "Grandma, I have to go to the bathroom," she would say, "Okay," because I had to go later to make sure there were mice there. We caught six. Two were alive when I caught them. Like, they moved still. It's not great. [audience laughter] I had to distract her, basically, so that I could go and do all this stuff.
So, when she stands up and says, "I'm going to walk with you to the bathroom," it was unusual. So, we walked to the bathroom. I went in the bathroom. I took care of my business, because I actually had to go to the bathroom. I washed my hands, because obviously you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom. I opened the door, and Grandma was standing there waiting for me. She puts her hand out, and she says, "Come, walk with me."
So, we go back in the living room, we sit down, and she hands me a piece of paper and she says, "Go ahead, open it." So, I open the piece of paper, and there's a 212 number scribbled on it. She's not writing well now. Also, I said, "Grandma, what is this number?" And she says, "Robert, you know that I love you. I care about you so very much, but I'm worried about you." And I said, "Grandma, why are you worried about me?" She says, "Robert, you're going to the bathroom all the time, [audience laughter] and you're in there so long. So, I called my doctor, and I got you a referral for a really good urologist. [audience laughter] Please, for me, will you just go call him and make an appointment?"
I never called that urologist. [audience laughter] But what happened after that is I still use the going to the bathroom excuse to distract Grandma. But instead of saying okay and going to the kitchen, before she said okay, she would say, "Robert, did you ever call that urologist?" [audience laughter] I lied to her. And I said, "Yes, Grandma, I've told you before. He says, ‘I'm fine. I just have a really small bladder.’" [audience laughter] Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
Dan: [00:05:07] That was Robert Sherer. Robert lived in New York for 12 years, spending much of that time in the East Village eating chicken cutlets with his grandparents. He's since returned to his native Seattle, where he works at a tech company and lives with his wife. If you lived in New York City a few years ago and you ever walked past the park outside St. Mark's Church on the Bowery, you actually might have seen Robert's grandmother. To see a picture of the both of them, just visit our site, themoth.org.
For our next story, we're going to hear from Ann Jankie. She shared this in front of The Moth audience as part of our community program a couple of years back. At the time, she was a program associate for our community partner Summer Search.
[cheers and applause]
Here's Ann Jankie.
Ann: [00:05:55] My heart sank as soon as the president of the school asked me the single question. "Ann, Mrs. Matthews and I would love it if your parents would stay with us for graduation weekend. Would you mind letting them know?" I was 18 years old in my senior year of high school, which happened to be a boarding school in Concord, New Hampshire. Most students would typically feel honored that the president was asking their parents to stay with him for graduation weekend. While I felt a little bit of that, I was mostly filled with dread and panic for two reasons. The first was because of what my school was. I'm originally from Washington Heights, New York City. [audience hollers]
Okay, so most of you know, it is a predominantly Dominican working-class neighborhood, which was completely different from my peers that I went to school with, who were mostly white and wealthy on a level that I'd never experienced before. So, from early on, I decided that if I was going to be there and fit in, I needed to change some things about myself. And so, I did. I changed the way that I dressed, and I wore khaki pants and flip flops and collared shirts. I couldn't afford polos. Every once in a while, when I had the nerve, I popped my collar. [audience laughter] But my friends quickly checked me on that. [audience laughter]
I also changed the way that I acted and spoke, so as not to seem too ghetto and therefore uneducated. And I did well in my classes. So, I thought I was the epitome of what it meant to be a prep school kid. Until my junior year when I had gotten a huge wake up call. I'd actually received a letter that read, "Boom, boom pow, get out of here." There was a bullseye sign on it. And later on, I'd find out that I and 50 of the other Black and Hispanic students at the school had also received this letter. And so, I was talking to a Black administrator that I trusted at the school and I told her I wanted to leave, because it felt too hard to be there anymore. And she told me, "Ann, if you choose to leave, I'd understand. But I need you to know that the higher you climb, the more education you receive, the wider your spaces will become and the less they will look like the community that you come from. And so, if you choose to stay, you will be helping to create a space for us here." And so, I carried that with me.
But the school's subtle and sometimes overt undercurrent of racism and classism was something that made me feel like no matter what I had done or no matter how much I tried to fit in, I would never truly belong to this community. And if I couldn't fit in, my parents certainly wouldn't, which brings me to my second point of fear and dread. My parents. [audience laughter]
So, my parents are from Guyana, a country in South America, and they have thick accents. I was less worried about my mom, because she's the type of woman who can just blend in wherever she goes. I was more so worried about my dad, because he loves to stick out wherever he is. [audience chuckles] He always tells me, "Ann, I am a very proud man. And if anyone has a problem with that, well, that's their business."
So, we had even stopped taking the train together, because anytime we'd get on, he'd make eye contact with a random stranger and say, "How old do you think I am?" [audience laughter] And then, he'd proceed to start squatting, like this, just to show how limber and flexible he was. [audience chuckles] So, I'm thinking, if he's willing to do this with a complete stranger, what is he going to do with the president? [audience chuckles] So, I tell the president, "Yeah, you know, my parents would love to stay with you. No problem."
And now, it comes time for me to actually call them and invite them. My mom immediately says no, because my parents aren't together and she wants to stay with her side of the family at a hotel. Fine. But then, I call my dad up and I try to play it real cool. I'm like, "Hey, Dad, you know, the president wants you to stay with him for graduation weekend. But if you don't want to stay, totally cool. Mom already said no." [audience chuckles] But before I can even finish, he says, "What? The president wants me to stay with him? Yes, yes, I will go.” [audience chuckles] Oh, boy.
So, graduation weekend finally comes along, and everyone comes up the night before to get settled. My mom's with her side of the family at a hotel and my dad's put up at the president's home. I'm in my bed worried, can't sleep all night, because I don't know what this weekend will bring. So, the first thing I do that morning is run over to the president's home to check on my dad. I see him walking with 12 of the school's trustees over to the chapel. [audience chuckles] He looks to me, he's like, "Don't worry about me, Ann. I'm going to church." [sighs] But I couldn't do anything.
So, later that day, he finds me and my mom's side of the family on the path. We're going to the dining hall to eat. We're walking when these two older white ladies stop us. They've got their sun hats and their pearl earrings, their pearl necklaces and these beautiful sundresses and they look to my dad. His name is Sherlock. And they say, "Hi, Sherlock." [audience chuckles] He looks to them and says, "One love." [audience laughter] That's my dad.
So, there's this final moment, the end of graduation weekend, which culminates in this big march. And the school invites anyone and everyone who's ever graduated from the school to come back and participate in this march. So, the alumni are marching and then families are on the sides cheering them on as they go. This march looks really interesting, because you've got people from 1934 which are predominantly old white men who can't walk anymore, which is why they're in these golf carts. You'll see that slowly it starts to become integrated, mainly white men and then slowly, you'll start to see some people of color. You'll see women, until you get to my year.
So the march starts with 1934, and I see a whole slew of golf carts rolling by. I know that it's only supposed to be old white men, [audience laughter] and I can't understand why my dad is one of the folks on the golf cart waving to me. [audience laughter] And I absolutely wanted to die. [audience chuckles] But it was at that moment that a kind of peace came over me as I saw him smiling and looking so proud. And I realized finally that you could come from where I did and be yourself, and it didn't matter what anyone thought. Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
Dan: [00:14:09] That was Ann Jankie. Ann's boarding school experience inspired her passion for youth development, and she remains committed to working with children in underserved communities. Ann lives in Brooklyn, New York, where she also works as a charter school program manager. Ann's dad, Sherlock, is still her biggest cheerleader and has recently been practicing the song that he's going to sing at her wedding, which is set to happen October of 2017 in Florence.
That's going to be wonderful. We want to wish you the best of luck and congratulations from all of us here at The Moth. And we hope you have a story-worthy week.
Mooj: [00:14:50] Dan Kennedy is the author of the books, Loser Goes First, Rock On and American Spirit. He's also a regular host and performer with The Moth.
Dan: [00:14:59] Podcast production by Timothy Lou Ly. The Moth Podcast is presented by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at prx.org.