Host - Michelle Jalowski
Michelle: [00:00:02] Welcome to The Moth Podcast. I'm Michelle Jalowski.
You probably won't be surprised to learn that we hear a lot of different kinds of stories at The Moth. We listen to all the stories that get told at each and every one of our open-mic StorySLAMs. Sometimes the stories are the perfect fit for broadcast, and we say, “Let's put this on the radio immediately.” And then, sometimes the stores are wonderful, but they're a little risque, so we're like, “Can we air this? Is it too racy for radio?” But as it happens, we also have this podcast that you're listening to right now.
This episode, we're going to be playing two stories that just happen to be spicy. Don't worry, nothing untoward happens. The stories are just a little bit salacious. So, if you're listening in your car with your kids, you might want to wait till you're at home. But if you are at home or listening on headphones, well, we hope you enjoy this.
First up is Whitney Connolly, who told this at a Boston StorySLAM in 2022, where theme of the night was Cravings. Here's Whitney, live at The Moth.
[cheers and applause]
Whitney: [00:01:10] So, I get divorced. I'm living by myself for the first time in my entire life. Not completely by myself, because I have my dog, Bella. But we're both a little bit lonely and we're both looking for a little comfort and a lot her, because we had two dogs and when my ex left, he took one with him. And so, she was sad and I was sad. I didn't think I was in the place in my life to get another dog, but I thought I could probably handle a cat. So, I went to the local animal shelter and I was like, “Hey, I want a cat.” They brought me upstairs to the cat room.
The staff there was great, and they were telling me about all the different cats they had and they just kept coming back to this one cat named Lily, who, that's funny, because my cat growing up was named Lily. And they just kept saying, “She's amazing, but she's been here a really long time. We're not sure why. It might be, because she's a little bit old, it might be because she's a little bit fat.” And I was like, “I don't care about either of those things.” I said, I'll take her.
When we were filling out the paperwork, I was like, “Do you think she'll get along with my middle-aged golden retriever?” And they said, “We think so, but we don't really know anything about where she came from.” And so, we're getting ready to take her home. This one staff member who is really attached to Lily is telling me how to introduce a dog and a cat, and get this baby gate and put them on either side. She's giving me all this advice. This other staff member comes over, and I can tell they're nervous, like, they love this cat. She's been with them for six months.
But I take her home. About a month after I've had her, I wake up one morning, and at some point in the night, both the dog and the cat, Lily and Bella, have gotten into this bed with me. I look over, and they're spooning, like dog big spoon, cat little spoon, like dog arm over cat. [audience laughter] And I'm like, “Holy shit. This is the cutest thing I've ever seen.” So, I jump out of the bed, and I take a picture with my cell phone and I immediately text or email this picture to the entire staff of the animal shelter. And I'm like, “Look how cute this is. Lily's doing great. She's getting along great with Bella. Things are wonderful.”
I also very generously tell them they can use this picture when they do a promotion about adopting senior cats. I send it to the entire staff and I forget about it. I go to work on Monday, and I work this office job and I'm like, “Oh, that picture. That would be a great desktop background.” And so, I email it to myself, and I put it up on my big screen instead of my little phone screen. When it's big, I realize that in the background of this picture of my very cute dog and cat spooning is the other thing I bought to comfort myself after my husband left. [audience laughter] It's purple, and it's phallic and it is very much in the background of this picture that I sent to the entire staff of the animal shelter. [audience laughter] I realize I am living my most embarrassing moment. It's happening, like, I'm in it.
I'm racing to take this picture down off my screen in my office. I'm also realizing I need to call my cousin, because my cousin loves nothing more than somebody's most embarrassing moment story. She had also, two days before, lost her best friend. It was a tragic death of a young person. It was not foreseen and I know that she's hurting. And so, I'm like, “I'm not good with people who are grieving or people who cry.” I'm the one who's like, “You there, there?” But I'm like, “I know this will cheer her up. I can call her.”
And so, I call her, and she answers the phone and she sound beyond broken. And I'm like, “Amanda, my most embarrassing moment just happened, and I have to tell you about how I send a picture of my dog and my cat and my purple personal comfort item to the entire staff of animal shelter.” She is cry, laughing into the phone and she says, “Thank you so much for telling me. I haven't laughed in days. I really needed this. And will you come to the wake with me tomorrow?” And I say, of course, I'll come to the wake with you.
So, the next day, I put on my black and I go to the wake. It is just this sea of devastated people. This is not someone who lived a long life. This is not somebody who had a long illness. This was very devastating and very tragic out of the blue, loss. I go inside, and I sign the guest book, and I hug Nick's sister, and I hug Nick's parents and I tell them how sorry I am. I am just in a sea of people who are broken. I go outside to find my cousin, and she's standing with a group of her friends who I know peripherally through her. I walk up to them.
As I'm approaching, I realize they're not crying. And then, I realize they're laughing. And then, I realize that as I approach and they notice me, they're laughing harder. [audience laughter] And then, I realize that my cousin has taken my gift that I gave to her and given it to this whole group of people that I barely know. I want to be mad at her, because this is my most embarrassing moment, but they're laughing. As I approach, they're patting me on the back, and they're saying, “Nick would have loved this story. Nick would have just thought this was the funniest thing, and thank you for cheering us up with your most embarrassing moment.” And I say, no problem.
And so, the gift I am giving [audience laughter] all of you tonight is if you know somebody who's having a really shitty day tomorrow, you can call them and say, “Last night, I went to this thing, and this woman told us a story [audience laughter] about how she sent a picture to the entire Cape Ann animal Aid of her purple personal comfort item.” So, you're welcome.
[cheers and applause]
Michelle: [00:06:52] That was Whitney Connolly. Whitney lives with her family in Massachusetts, where she attends as many Boston StorySLAMs as possible, and continues to lean on humor in the face of tragedy whenever necessary. You can hear more of her stories at whitneytellstories.com, and you can donate to the Cape Ann Animal Aid shelter at capeannanimalaid.org. And if you want to see an edited version of the picture Whitney was talking about, visit our website at themoth.org/extras.
Up next is a story from Caroline Woodward. She told this at a Burlington StorySLAM in 2017, where theme of the night was Voyage. Here's Caroline, live at The Moth.
[cheers and applause]
Caroline: [00:07:32] So, a few years ago, my husband and I decided to move to São Paulo, Brazil, to teach in an international school there. We brought our children with us, because they can learn languages faster than adults can. Because they were really little, they couldn't live independently, [audience laughter] so we brought them. It was good that we brought them, because there were many times when my daughters had to translate for us and they really did pick up the language really quickly.
In the international teaching community, you just make your friends really fast, and you're all ex-pats and you just bond really quickly. So, my girlfriends and I decided, that because we're all in Brazil that of course we have to get a Brazilian, not the man, but the job. [audience laughter] [audience applause]
So, we decide to do that for the cultural experience, [audience laughter] because we're so evolved. The salon is across the street from our apartment complex. My daughters call the salon, they call the stylists, beauty doctors, because they wear white coats and they look very professional and it's very sterile and professional looking. I felt confident that this was going to be a good experience when I went with my friends.
And then, after understanding how personal the experience would be, [audience laughter] I decided that I wouldn't do it and didn't, but my friends did. I regretted not having done it. I regretted it for a long time, like months. I didn't want to be impulsive and just, “Oh, they did it. I want to do it.” So, I waited and I decided, “Yeah, I'm going to get it done. I'm going to just go do it. I'm in Brazil. Get it done one time, just experience it.”
So, I took my three-year-old for support [audience laughter] and to help me translate. I disrobed and was modestly covered. My daughter, who was three at the time, Lucy, is standing beside me and I'm in the unrelaxed. [audience laughter] When the beauty doctors lift the sheets, they gasp [audience laughter] and they're very concerned and their brows are furrowed and they start to chatter to Lucy, my daughter, in a very frantic kind of way. Lucy, even though she's speaking very well, it's too fast for her. So, she's looking at me very, very nervous, knowing that something terrible must be happening down here. [audience laughter] Nothing was really happening, except that they hadn't seen this kind of masterpiece that lives here. [audience cheers and applause]
So, they were chattering away, and I was growing more and more anxious and I keep saying, “Lucy, what are they saying? Lucy, what are they saying?” Is it a cyst? Is it some sort of growth? I don't know. I don't really explore a lot.” [audience laughter] And so, I keep asking her, “What is it? What is it? What is it?” At the time, she was wearing glasses, and she's looking at me and she's saying, “Mom, they say you have to do it. You have to take it all. You have to take it all.”
I'm caught in a place where I realize she doesn't belong here. [audience laughter] She's here. [audience laughter] So, I'm trying to explain to her that I've made this mistake in judgment and that I will not be having any medical procedure happening that day. I'm telling her to please translate to the beauty doctors, “No, no, no.” They're putting so much pressure on me. I feel like I've got to do something to get them to be quiet. And so, I say, okay, just a little trim. Keep it just tight. I like the ecosystem the way it is. Keep it functioning. Just tidy it up a little bit. It's fine. Lucy is able to translate this, I think, pretty well. [audience laughter]
But they come back at her. They're putting pressure on my daughter. She's saying things to me like, “Mom, you have to do it for your husband. [audience laughter] He loves you. He loves you so much. You have to do it.” I know. [audience laughter] Again, I'm stymied because she doesn't belong here and I shouldn't have had her in this position. [audience laughter] But I seize the moment and use it as a teaching opportunity and let her know that I could make this decision or a different decision. Without going into too much detail with her, I just let her know that I look great the way I am and nothing needs to trimmed, and we're out of here and that's what we did. Thanks.
[cheers and applause]
Michelle: [00:12:40] That was Caroline Woodward. Caroline is an international educator. She and her family lived in Brazil, Qatar, Thailand, Malaysia, Maryland and Massachusetts. And now, she's back home in Vermont. Caroline's stories are unusual, as she often makes unusual decisions.
That's all for this episode. From all of us here at The Moth, we hope you have a story filled and slightly risque week.
Marc: [00:13:04] Michelle Jalowski is a producer and director at The Moth, where she helps people craft and shape their stories for stages all over the world.
This episode of The Moth Podcast was produced by Sarah Austin Jenness, Sarah Jane Johnson and me Marc Sollinger. The rest of The Moth's leadership team includes Sarah Haberman, Catherine Burns, Jenifer Hixson, Meg Bowles, Jennifer Birmingham, Kate Tellers, Marina Klutse, Suzanne Rust, Brandon Grant, Lee Ann Gullie and Aldi Kaza.
All Moth stories are true, as remembered by the storytellers. For more about our podcast, information on pitching your own story and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org. The Moth podcast is presented by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at prx.org.