Host: Jenifer Hixson

[Uncanny Valley by The Drift]

Jenifer: [00:00:12] From PRX, this is The Moth Radio Hour. I'm Jenifer Hixson. 

Everyone has stories. But when you're put on the spot, it can be hard to think of one you'd like to tell. It's part of my job to help people find their stories. And a couple of years ago, I met a puppeteer at a cocktail party. He told me that he taught storytelling to children, so they could write scripts for their handmade puppets. I asked him how he did this with seven-year-olds. His formula was so simple. "What you need is a person, a place and a problem." So, whenever I'm struggling to find the story with someone, whether they're 7, 17, or 70, I go back to the simple equation. So, in this hour, people, places and problems. 

Our first story is by Ray Christian. I met him when I was putting together a show in Durham, North Carolina. 

[cheers and applause] 

Finding one story out of Ray's hundreds of stories was overwhelming, but in a good way. As they say, “He's lived a storied life.” This one is about a long-standing dream of his. Here's Ray.

Ray: [00:01:11] I remember standing in line at the Social Security office with my mama. I was ten years old. And the line moved ahead slowly, but I could hear the lady at the front of the line saying, "Next. Go to the desk. Next. Fill out the form." My mother and I got to the front of the desk. My mother looked at the form and she started to ask the lady a question. She said, "Excuse me, can I--" And the lady cut her off and said, "Ma'am, take the form, take it to the desk, fill it out and come back. Next." My mother looked at the form again, and she looked at the lady and she started to ask her the question again. She said, "Excuse me, ma'am, can I--" The lady cut her off and said, "Ma'am, we don't have time for this. Take the form to the desk, fill it out and bring it back. Next." 

My mother and I walked to the desk. My mother looked at the form, and I could tell that water was starting to well up in her eyes. And I said, "Mama, what's wrong?" And she said, "Baby, mama can't read." I looked at her and I said, "Mom, that first line, it says name." She said, "Can you write that?" I said, "Yeah.” “So, my name is Andy Christian." And I wrote out her name. And the next line said address. I said, "Mama, that's where we live." She told me, I wrote it. We went all the way down the form this way until we got to the last line.

It had a word that I was not quite familiar with, it sounded like sig nature. And she said, "What's that?" I said, "Mama, I think that's when you write your name real squiggly like." [audience chuckle] And she said, "I can do that." And she did. She looked at me, and she started to cry, and she hugged me real tight and she said, "You will never know what it's like to be ignorant." Now, I didn't know what she was talking about. I'm 10 years old. All I know is I was doing something to help my mama. And because my mama and my daddy both were illiterate and they wanted to encourage my reading, they decided to go out and buy me all these pretty books that had pretty pictures on them.

So, as a 10-year-old, I started to gather up a real big collection of books. I had General Principles of Engineering, [audience chuckle] Ron L. Hubbard's Dianetics, [audience laughter] General Psychopathology, Sex After Sixty [audience laughter] and Green Eggs and Ham. [audience laughter] So, I was ready for the world with that. [audience laughter] But my folks loved me enough that if I had decided to drop out of school and got a job working at the factory and stayed out of trouble with the police, they would have been happy for me. But I wanted more than that out of life. I wanted those things I was reading in those books. 

And because I was a marginal student and a marginal athlete, there was little or no chance of me going to college or getting any kind of scholarship at all. But there was one organization that was offering me a job, and that was the United States Army. Now, thinking that the harder the job is, the more money you'd get paid, I said to the recruiter, "Give me the hardest job you got." And they did. I became a paratrooper. I had never been on an airplane before in my life. 

Well, at some point, the army went from being my stepping stone in life to my island. And I decided to reenlist. But no amount of toughness or hardness can help you get promoted in the military without education. I remember how I would hear army lawyers talk, and other officers, and just a turn of a phrase or you change a few words and somebody could get promoted or not promoted. You could be found guilty or not guilty. So, I started thinking to myself, you know what? When I get out of the army, I'm going to become a lawyer. So, I started telling everybody that. But most of the time when an officer heard me say something like that, they would just roll their eyes. But I would keep on saying it. 

In fact, one officer actually said to me, "Listen, you don't even have a college degree. You need to focus your attention on being a paratrooper. That's your job." Well, from that point forward, I started taking college classes at night. I remember showing up to class dirty, bleeding, hurting, stinky, funky. But seven years from this period and two years after I actually retired from the army, I did earn my bachelor's degree. [audience applause] 

Well, the first thing I did after that is I started applying to law schools. But it didn’t take long before those little envelopes started to arrive. Rejection. "We’re sorry." Rejection, rejection, rejection. But one day, a big envelope came in the mail. I was accepted to law school. I am going to law school. I told everybody, "Guess what? I am going to be a lawyer. I am going to be a lawyer. I am going to help the little guy. I am going to help everybody." In fact, one of my friends in the army said to me, "Hey, Ray, you think you could help me sue the army?" [audience laughter] “Hell, yeah, I’m helping everybody. I’m going to be a lawyer for everybody on earth.”

Well, when I got to law school, I was not the typical law student. Not at 38 years old, not being a combat vet, not having PTSD and four children. I was different. I mean, law school was hard. It’s hard to help your kids with their algebra homework, but reading 200 pages a night was difficult. I didn’t make friends easily. But there were three older guys in the law school that became friends of mine. They started palling around with me. But almost right away, after the midterm exams were completed, I had failed everyone. And the only chance that I had now to finish law school was I had to ace all the final exams. 

It wasn’t long after this period that I got this message that the assistant dean of the law school wanted to speak to me in his office. I went to his office, and I remember he had his back turned to me when he said, "You should withdraw." I said, "I don’t want to withdraw. I’m not going to quit. I spent my whole life thinking about this mostly. I’m not going to quit." He said again, "You should withdraw. And if you should graduate, I’ll eat my head." When I walked out of his office, I started thinking about what my mama had said, "You’ll never know what it’s like to be ignorant." But I did in that moment. 

Later, I saw this sign on the wall, it was announcing the Mary Wright closing argument competition. This is the highlight of the law school year. All the top law students and the law professors, they pick out these students they want to mentor and they work on this competition. It is a big deal. The whole law school turns out to see it. This is what I had come to law school for. This was like being a lawyer on TV. This is what I wanted to do. But I also knew that I wasn’t doing well in law school. In fact, when a law professor heard that I was thinking about it, he said to me, "Look, you need to focus your attention on academics and not extracurricular activity." So, at that point, I forgot about it. But my three older friends, they came to me and they say, "Ray, man, you ought to do it anyway. This is what we do. This is what you talk about. Come on, what do you got to lose? Try it. Try it." “Okay, I’m in." But I couldn’t get any law professors to work with me. 

A few weeks prior to the competition, I really hadn’t done anything at all. I wrote a few notes on a tissue paper, and that’s all the preparation I had. And the way the competition worked, you’re standing outside and the whole law school is inside. You knock on the door, you go in, people would make their presentation, you’d hear applause. Next person would go in, make their presentation, you’d hear applause. Then my turn came. And when I went in, I knew that I couldn’t talk about any fine points of the law. I couldn’t talk about elements of torts. I couldn’t talk to them about subject matter jurisdiction. But I could tell them a story. I could tell them about right and wrong. I could tell them about justice and injustice. And I close with this line, "And just like the boogeyman that lives under my girl’s bed, made up from dust bunnies, buttons and lost Christmas toys, exposed to the light, the prosecution’s case just isn’t there" and I walked the hell out. [audience laughter] [audience applause] 

But I walked out to complete silence. [audience laughter] But soon as the door closed behind me, I heard what sounded like thunder. And that was the sound of the entire law school applauding all at once. I never went back inside, but I couldn’t help but cry. Well, the final exams would come and they would go. And two weeks later, I would find out I won the competition. [audience applause] 

But four weeks later, I would find out I was being academically dismissed from law school. I was broken. I never felt so bad in my life. I thought about how embarrassed I was. I thought about all the people I was never going to help, all the things I was never going to do. And it took me a while to think to myself, maybe, just maybe, I did get a feather in my head. Maybe, I did get a gold star. I mean, I beat out some of the smartest people in the law school at their own game. And if I hadn't had this stupid idea of becoming a lawyer, I would have never went to college, I'd have never earned graduate degrees in history and education, I never would have became a college professor. I wouldn't be halfway completed with my dissertation right now. [audience cheers and applause] 

So, the journey didn't take me to a place where I could knock out injustice in the courtroom, but the journey did take me to a place where I could combat ignorance in the classroom.

[The Slow Claw Drag by Duke Levine]

Jenifer: [00:12:31] That was Ray Christian. Ray is inching ever closer to his doctorate and hopes to finish very soon. I hope so too, because I can't wait to refer to him as Dr. Ray. Ray lives in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina with his beautiful wife and talented family. He teaches at Appalachian State University. Everybody loves the professors with stories. His students are lucky. And we're grateful that Ray drives two hours each way to be a regular at our Asheville StorySLAM each month. He's always a crowd favorite, no surprise. 

[The Slow Claw Drag by Duke Levine] 

This next story is by Alyssa Ladd. She told it at a StorySLAM in Texas, where we partner with Houston Public Radio. 

[cheers and applause] 

Here's Alyssa.

Alyssa: [00:13:19] So, I'm a millennial. So, after I graduated college, naturally, I moved back in with mom and dad. [audience laughter] I had just been fired from my job as a special ed teacher, so things weren't going so great for me. And about that time, I started working at Michaels, the craft store, in the neighborhood where I had grown up, which was Sugar Land. 

[holler] 

Thanks. It was only about, like, two months, but it was from before Thanksgiving until after New Year's, arguably the worst two months to work at a craft store where they sell Christmas decorations. So, I scored really well on my aptitude test. Michaels makes you take a math and reading aptitude test, which I don't understand. [audience laughter] So, the manager was like, “I have a special position for you in the custom framing department.” The main perk was that it paid 25 cents more per hour than the other jobs, but the secondary perk was that I didn't have to restock beads and yarn, so I was very much on board with this. 

As a job itself, I really didn't mind it. I liked it. The only downside was that it was in the neighborhood where I grew up. I liked helping people design their frame and hearing their stories about their art. My favorite was this woman. She called a week before Christmas. She's all in a tizzy and she's like, "I have guests coming over, and there's this big spot over my fireplace, and my frames aren't ready and you have to help me." And I said, "Okay, fine, I'll do it." So, I go to the shelf and I pull out her art, open it up. Two giant pictures of her naked, covered in rose petals. [audience chuckle] It's going to go over her fireplace for the Christmas guests. [audience laughter] So, the job was pretty entertaining, but I still-- It felt like a loser. I felt like a loser.

I mean, I lived at home with my parents. I worked for 25 cents above minimum wage with a college degree. Those two things are bad enough. Sugar Land is pretty big, but you wouldn't know it from Michaels. Everyone I knew came in there. Every single day, someone I knew came in and saw me in my little apron, my little white gloves. And of course, they couldn't help but come up and say hi and tell me what their kids were doing. It was always something more successful and better than what I was doing. 

So, one day, my former softball coach comes in. His daughter and I played softball together when we were 12. He recognized me, which was, first of all, the shocking thing. I thought, maybe we’re going to reminisce about the team and how fun it was, or he’s going to ask how my parents were. But instead, he goes, “Didn’t you go to that fancy, expensive college? [audience chuckle] Look where that got you.” [audience laughter] So, I’d been wondering if that was what everyone was thinking. And he confirmed that it was. That’s pretty much the inner monologue I had with myself 10 times a day, but I never expected to hear someone else say it. I got to say, it didn’t feel great. 

But he didn’t stop there. He kept talking. [audience laughter] And he goes, “You know, my daughter is really making it big as an actress in LA. She was just in a Lifetime movie. Maybe you saw it.” “Yeah, I saw it.” First of all, it was a supporting role. [audience laughter] But unlike him, I have some tact, so I didn’t say that. I now had to open up his picture, which was the Lifetime movie poster, and get his signature of approval, very ironic. So, he left, and he’s probably never thought about that moment ever again. But I thought about it a lot. I never want to make someone feel the way that I felt that day. 

So, later that same day, the mom of another girl I played softball with comes into Michaels. We’d been on the same team for one year, and then a year after that, her daughter transferred to my middle school where she didn’t know anyone but me. And so, she was brand new, she was very shy, very quiet. She’d been made fun of at other schools because she was pretty overweight. I used to write her encouraging notes and leave them in her locker. I didn’t even remember that when I saw her mom at Michaels that day, but her mom remembered.

So, I’m carrying something out to her car for her, and she turns to me and she’s all choked up and she says, “You’ll never know what that meant to me and to my daughter that you were so nice to her.” So, she’s choked up and she’s saying all these nice things. I’ve had an emotional day. So, I start crying and I tell her what happened. And then, pretty soon, we’re both bawling and hugging in the Michaels parking lot. [audience laughter] She’s just hugging me and she’s telling me what a good person I am. Not because of what job I did or didn’t have, but because I’d been kind to her daughter when she needed a friend. And that day, I really needed a friend and it was good to see a familiar face. And for the first time, I was glad to be working in the town where I’d grown up.

[cheers and applause]

[Three Sisters by John Scofield]

Jenifer: [00:18:49] That was Alyssa Ladd. You can still occasionally find Alyssa at Michaels, but strictly as a customer. She’s still into arts and crafts. She quit Michaels after a few months, took some other eh jobs and finally decided to go to law school. She spent the last couple of years working as an attorney. She says, no matter what job she’s had, the muscles she built up being kind and patient, doing customer service have served her well. 

[Three Sisters by John Scofield]

When we return, what do you do when you receive a meticulously handcrafted gift and ouch, you really don’t like it? Also, life as an Uber driver, coming up after this.

[Three Sisters by John Scofield]

Jay: [00:19:53] The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts. And presented by PRX.

Jenifer: [00:20:40] This is The Moth Radio Hour from PRX. I'm Jenifer Hixson. 

This next story is from our StorySLAM series in Louisville, Kentucky, where we partner with public radio station WFPL. Steven Carr is an avid reader and wisecracker with a very cool job finding innovative ways to improve the lives of disabled people. 

[cheers and applause] 

But this story is about his home life. Here's Steven Carr.

Steven: [00:21:03] So, I have never done this before, y'all, so go easy on me, okay? [laughs] 

[cheers and holler] 

Show of hands, how many people have ever been gifted something that someone has made for you that they worked really, really hard on, and it was God awful? [audience chuckle] Anybody? Yes. Okay, this story is for you, guys. So, I got a gift like that a few years ago from my mother. And it was a gift for my boyfriend at the time, David and I. It was a collage of pictures of David and I. She had put it in this big frame, and she had matted it and wrote all these quotes on it. She had gone all out. She had cut all of these pictures up into different shapes. It was really cute. 

But there was only one problem. And that problem, was that the quotes that she wrote around these pictures were not quotes about love or romance or relationships. They were quotes about friendship. [audience laughter] Yes. So, this was my mother's way of telling me. Now, granted, David and I had been in a relationship for four years at this time, okay? So, we'd been around for quite a while. But this was her way of telling me that she was not able to validify our relationship. You might be thinking to yourself, geez, Steven, like, “Lighten up. It was a good gesture. She was just trying to be nice and it's the thought that counts.” 

But the reality is, is that people like David and I have to fight really hard to have our relationships recognized. And so, from the places that we work and the places where we go to church and the friends that we thought we had and from our family. And so, this was a really big deal for me. You see, I had come out to my mom as gay whenever I was 20 years old. She's a really good, staunch Southern Baptist woman. So, David always jokes that whenever I came out to her, she started drinking and she's been drinking ever since. [audience laughter] 

As you can imagine, as a very staunch Southern Baptist woman, our relationship was strained a little after that. I would get calls all the time from her, calls about, “Hellfire and damnation and brimstone. This is just a phase that you're going through and you're going to grow up out of it.” When I didn't grow up out of it, she was saying things like she might disown me and all kinds of crazy things like that. She would cry about how I was never going to get married and I was never going to have children. This went on and on and on until-- 

See, I'm from Shepherdsville. You all know about Shepherdsville, right? All of this came out of Shepherdsville. [audience laughter] One day, she was in Kroger, and someone that I used to go to church with cornered her in the frozen vegetable section, and they pointed their finger at her and they said, "You are a horrible mother for allowing your son to backslide into the fiery pits of hell. God is punishing you, because your faith was not strong enough.” And this really hurt her. They left her crying into a bag of frozen peas. Sd she realized that those kinds of words, they hurt. They hurt coming from strangers that you don't even know in the Kroger. And so, how much more would they hurt coming from your parents, the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally? 

And so, back to this collage of pictures with the friendship quotes all around them. We didn't know what the hell to do with this thing. I mean, we weren't going to put it up on our wall. And so, we put it in the closet, [audience laughter] and eventually we just put it out in the garage, never to return. So, my mom would show up to the house, and she'd be like, "Oh, where's that collage that I got you? I worked really hard on that." 

I had just gotten my mom back. Over time, she had come around and gotten to know David and liked him quite a bit. I had just gotten her back and I didn't want to upset her anymore, and so we lied. And we said things like, "Oh, we're looking for the perfect place to put it." And then, a few weeks later, she would call me and she would say, "Hey, did you ever figure out where you were going to put that collage? I worked really hard on that." And I said, "No, we want to find the perfect spot, because it looks so nice."

And so, about a year passes, and one day, my mom and I are sitting in my kitchen, and we're having a few Miller Lites, and she's thinking to herself and she says, "Hey, whatever happened to that collage? I worked really hard on that. How come I don't ever see it up anywhere?" I don't know if it was the fact that I had finally gotten comfortable with her and she'd gotten comfortable with me, I don't know if it was the fact that I was on my fourth Miller Lite, but I was thinking to myself, to hell with it. I'm going to lay it out for her. I'm going to tell her. And so, I said, "Mom, I love you, but I can't put this thing up on my wall, because David and I aren't friends. At this point, we'd been together for five years."

And I said, "We are going to end up getting married and we're going to have kids. I can't put this thing up on my wall." She thought about it for a second, and she'd come a long way since then and she said, "You know what? You're right. That makes sense." And that was that. That was it. I had toiled over this whole thing for a year. It didn't really mean that much. All I had to do was explain to her why I couldn't put it on my wall. So, May 23rd of this year, David and I actually got married at Highland Baptist Church. 

[cheers and applause] 

Thank you. My mom came to the wedding. We actually got married on her birthday. It was weird. It just worked out that way. Anyway, her favorite movie is Steel Magnolias. And so, instead of having a groom's cake, because why don't you have a groom's cake at a gay wedding? [audience chuckle] But instead of having a groom's cake, we actually brought her out into the middle of the floor and we sang Happy Birthday to her. And the baker brought out a cake that was in the shape of an armadillo. [audience laughter] It was a red velvet cake complete with gray icing and a tail. She clapped, and she laughed and she said later on that it was the most special that she had ever felt. 

And so, the real gift of all of this for me was actually a month later, after the wedding, our family reunion. A lot of people came in from different parts of the country. Some people I had never even met before. And my mom insisted on walking around and introducing David to every single member of my family as my new husband. Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Jenifer: [00:27:35] That was Steven Carr, live in Louisville, where he was born and raised. I asked Steven if I could please, please see a picture of the infamous friend collage. But he and his husband did such a good job tucking it away somewhere. It is not materialized and may possibly have been-- Okay, I'm not going to say that. I'm sure it's somewhere. Anyway, hopefully his mom is working on a new collage that celebrates the wedding and the groom and groom. 

To see a picture of Steven and his husband David at their wedding, the mother-son dance, and a shot of the armadillo cake, visit themoth.org. Steven wants to add that he loves his mother very much and his husband, of course. 

[Jupiter by Duke Levine]

This next story is by my friend Nestor Gomez. Even though I've only met him once, I call him a friend, because Nestor has told dozens and dozens of stories at the Chicago Moth StorySLAM, and I've heard recordings of them all. And at the base level, friendships happen, because you like a person's stories. You hear the bits of their life that make up their character, and you decide this person's cool. So, through all of the stories I've heard, I think Nestor is pretty cool and I'm calling him a friend. 

Nestor was born and raised in Guatemala, but has lived in Chicago since the mid-1980s. Here's Nestor Gomez, my friend, live at the Chicago StorySLAM, where we partner with public radio station WBEZ. 

[cheers and applause] 

Nestor's telling a story about his stint as an Uber driver.

Nestor: [00:29:01] I drive for Uber during the weekends and the afternoons on the weekdays. So, I was driving around and I got this request to pick up somebody and I drove to the address. When I got there, a young man was already waiting for me on the sidewalk. So, I parked the car. But he doesn't come into the car. He knocks on the window and he tells me that he requested a ride for his mother, because he needs me to take his mother to the Metro station on Randolph and Michigan. He tells me that his mother needs to be there by 06:00 PM, and it's already 05:40. [audience laughter] 

So, I could easily get from Bogtown, or I like to call it, Hipster Town, [audience chuckle] all the way to Randolph and Michigan in 15 minutes, maybe 10. It's easy, but not on a Wednesday afternoon in the middle of rush hour. So, I think I told the guy I'm going to cancel this, because there's no way that I could get her there by 6 o'clock. And he gives me this look. I know that look. It's that look that you have in your face when your mother is driving you crazy. [audience laughter] So, I told him, “You know what? Okay, I'll take her. I'll let you know I can't get there on time.” He said, “You know what? I don't care. [audience chuckle] Just take her. Please take her away. [audience laughter] But one thing, don't tell her that you're not going to get there on time, because then she's going to get mad.” I said, “Fine.” 

So, he goes back into the house and comes back with this grumpy looking old lady. [audience chuckle] And the lady's trying to walk and she's complaining about all these stairs are too steep, “You're pushing me. You're making it difficult for me.” And the guy finally gets to the car, opens the door and puts his mother inside the car. And he has a big smile on his face. [audience laughter] And I’m thinking, why is he smiling? This lady is so mean to him. And the lady asked me, “Do you know where you’re going?” And before I can answer, she said, “Just put the address on the GPS, because I don’t want you to get lost.” 

So, I put the address on the GPS and the GPS lady says, “You’ll be arriving to your destination at 06:20.” [audience laughter] And the lady gets mad and she says, “You people are always making me be late.” I’m like, “What?” I’m mad at the GPS lady. [audience laughter] I got mad at this lady for saying you people. [audience chuckle] But I don’t know if she meant you people as Latino people, people of color, or she meant you people as Uber drivers, Lyft drivers. [audience laughter] But I’m mad and I decide that I’m going to do my best to take this lady to her destination by 6 o’clock, and show her that my people can do our job- [audience cheers and applause] -even if I don’t know who the hell my people is. [audience laughter] So, I start driving. As soon as I start driving, the GPS lady and the old lady told me to take the expressway. [audience laughter] I ignore them, I keep driving past the expressway. As I pass the expressway, the GPS lady and the old lady told me, “Do a U-turn, go back on the expressway.” [audience laughter] So, I tell them, “Listen, both of you, [audience laughter] if I get on the expressway, there’s no way that I’ll get you there at 6 o’clock. I know a better route.”

So, I take a street that is next to the expressway, and I keep driving on that street all the way until the street ends. And then, I take a side street and another side street and an alley and a side street and another side street. And the GPS lady is like, “Make a left, make a right. [audience laughter] Rerouting. Make a left, make a right.” And the old lady’s like, “You’re getting lost. You’re lost. You don’t know where you’re going.” [audience laughter] I just keep driving until I’m close to my destination. But I realized that I need to go east. And Randall is a one-way street that goes west. So, my only choice is to take Lake Street. Yeah, Lake Street is a mess. [audience laughter] I’m looking at the light and I’m like, “I need to do it.”

So, I make a left, I’m going to Lake Street and there’s no cars on Lake Street. And I just-- I made it all the way to Michigan Avenue, and I just had to turn right and one more block and I’ll be there. I got five minutes to spare. [audience cheers and applause]

That’s what I thought. [audience laughter] Because it’s Michigan Avenue. It’s crazy with traffic and people, and we get stuck on traffic and one-minute passes, two minutes, the light changes and the cars barely move and we get stuck at the light, right at the light. And one-minute passes and another minute passes and then the light changes and I make it to the intersection and as I park, 6 o’clock and I say, “We made it.” [audience laughter] And the old lady said, “I still got to go downstairs. You’re going to make me be late.” [audience laughter] And the GPS lady didn’t say anything. [audience laughter] [audience applause] 

I guess she was as hurt and surprised as I was. [audience laughter] Thank you.

[cheers and applause] 

Jenifer: [00:34:58] That was Nestor Gomez live in Chicago. Nestor is no longer driving for Uber on weekends. It started to give him back trouble, but he’s grateful for all the passengers who shared their stories with him along the way. If you ask Nestor, he’ll tell you that his biggest accomplishments are his kids, making his mother proud and winning the heart of his soon-to-be wife, Mel. He always refers to her as sweet Mel. 

When we return, a mother of three shows extraordinary courage and humor.

[upbeat music]

Jay: [00:35:45] The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts. And presented by the Public Radio Exchange, prx.org.

Jenifer: [00:36:40] You’re listening to The Moth Radio Hour from PRX. I’m Jenifer Hixson. In this hour, we’re listening to people and their problems. 

Our final story is from the SLAM in New Orleans, where we partner with public radio station WWNO. 

[cheers and applause] 

The theme of the night was Hair. And this storyteller had a completely unexpected take. Here’s Melanie Kostrezwa, live in New Orleans.

Melanie: [00:37:02] So, my pediatrician tells me when I go to see her at my daughter’s one-month well-check appointment, “Melanie, you got to go to the hospital. I need you to get X-rays of Ivy’s skull, because something’s wrong and I’m going to tell you what’s going on in a minute.” And I’m like, “Well, I have a babysitter for 20 more minutes, so can I do it next week?” She goes, “Melanie, I’m serious. You need to go right now.” I’m like, “Okay, call the babysitter.” I go and I get these X-rays done and I’m like, “My baby’s a month old. What do you need X-rays for?” Sure, her head looks kind of funny, but that’s a little endearing to me. I think it’s adorable. 

So, my doctor calls me later that day and she goes, “Melanie, are you with your loved ones? Are you sitting down?” I’m like, “I’m with my three children all the time. One of them is eating right now, the other one’s sleeping right now. So, yes. What’s going on?” She goes, “Melanie, Ivy has a really rare condition called craniosynostosis. Basically, what this is, is her head was asymmetrically formed in utero. And what happens is the--" I’m going to get real technical. “But it’s basically like the plate tectonics theory in reverse order. You want their head to be open with these cranial sutures, so their brain can grow for the first two years of their life and then it comes together and forms the former Pangaea.” 

So, that’s how it made sense to me when they’re telling me this over the phone. So, I’m like, “Okay, so that’s cute.” Like, “I don’t know, is this a problem?” And she goes, “Yes, Melanie, it is. What Ivy has is a right coronal suture.” So, basically, Ivy’s eyes were completely asymmetrical. I didn’t know, I just thought it was like, “Oh, look at her little eyes.” Like, “This one’s small and that one’s really big. Oh, she’s so cute,” you know? She’s 10 pounds of baby that I’m analyzing her skull. And she goes, “What happened with Ivy is the right side of her head is completely flat, because that bone or that skull plate fused back in her head.” I was like, “Okay. So, what?” Like, “Does she have to wear one of those helmets? Because I could put like stickers on it.” [audience laughter] Like, “She’d be so cute with those little helmets with the little flowers and they put her name like Ivy and she’d be all the rage at parades. Like, think of the throws, you know?” [audience laughter]

And she goes, “Melanie, Ivy has to have surgery or her brain won’t grow.” When your daughter gets to have skull surgery, you get all the top doctors. I mean, you are celebrity status when you walk into the hospital. Ivy got her own neurosurgeon. She got her own-- and yes, at one month old, my daughter had her own plastic surgeon. And this plastic surgeon is a wonder with his hands. He was a little weird to talk to, but he was phenomenal when he helped my daughter. I go to the first appointment with the tag-team neurosurgeon and plastic surgeon holding my this-point two-month-old baby with my husband.

He goes, “I’m going to tell you about the surgery.” And I said, “Okay, great.” He goes, “Listen, this is what we do. We’re going to cut her head open. We’re going to cut her head open from ear to ear. And it’s going to look like headphones.” And I was like, “You mean like those little pods that go down?” He’s like, “No, like headphones.” I was like, “Oh, okay.” He was French-Canadian. I’m not saying anything about French-Canadians, [audience chuckle] but there was like a disconnect sometimes. I didn’t understand what he was saying. So, it’s like, “We’re going to cut her head.” I can do accents. I can’t do this guy. And sorry, he wouldn’t be here. [audience laughter] 

“So, I cut her head.” They’re going to cut her head open. And he’s like “And I will remove the forehead and I will break it and reshape it and I will put it back on using these really tiny screws that will dissolve over time. We’re going to stitch her up and she’s going to look like a prize fighter for about a month, but then she’ll be fine and she’ll grow.” And I’m like, “Say what? [audience laughter] Isn’t microsurgery really in now?” That just seemed quite invasive to me. And in my mind, I’m like, “You’re not touching her. She’s fine. She’s going to live with this wonky head and we are going to love her. We’re going to love her. good, because she’s Ivy, and she’s our baby, and you’re not going to cut her head open.” 

But my only question that I was able to say was, “So, are you going to shave her hair off?” And he goes, "Ma'am, I just told you I'm going to cut her head open. [audience laughter] I'm going to have to shave her head." And I go, "Sure, fine. Okay, whatever." I go home, and I'm like, “Good Lord.” Like, “I thought that was going to a well check. And they go and drop this bomb on me that Ivy has to have surgery.” So, the thing with this surgery is you have to wait. You have to wait until your daughter's a certain size or so, whatever. They can't be too tiny, because it's really invasive. It's major surgery. It's blood loss, it's blood transfusion, it's hemorrhaging, it's brain damage. It's all the risks, R-I-S-K. They have to tell these things to you. And I go, "Okay." 

I'm like, “Does she have to have the surgery? He goes, "Yes." And I said, "Don't tell me the risk.” Like, “If I have to do it, do it." And so, we had six months from finding out about Ivy to, well, find out about her condition to the day of the surgery. And those six months were just awesome, because I was like, “You know what? I read the risk and I'm not going to go over them again. I'm not going to think about them.” But because I know these risks, I know that every day I get to spend with her is precious, because I really don't know what's going to happen come June 19th at 2 o'clock when they tell me it's over or it's over. 

I just spend that time like, "Oh, man, attachment parenting." Like, “That girl was never set down. She cried for nothing. She got fed whenever she wanted. She was Ivy, and we all loved her.” But every night, I would think I would play it through my head. I like to be prepared and this is something I was not prepared for. At night, I would think, what am I going to say to the doctor when he comes out and says, “Ivy did great. She's amazing." And I'll go, "Yes, she is. Where is she?" That's what I was going to say. But then, I also ran through the possibility of like, “Crap, I'm going to have to tell her sisters, Avery and Eliza. I'm going to have to tell her that she didn't make it.” That's going to be really hard to do.” And so, day of the surgery comes, and we are prepared and we're ready.

And eight hours later, eight hours, they're working on my baby. They come out, or eight hours and we're waiting for the results of this cranial reconstructive open suture, details, details, details surgery. I'm just ready for anything, you know? And the doctor or the nurse comes to the door and says, "Can I have these parents come back here?" I watch TV, and I know that's not good, because on TV, they come out if it's good news, they pull you back, if it's bad news. And so, I get it from the chair and I'm like, “I have to have that conversation with Avery and Eliza. I have to tell them their sister didn't make it.”

I'm so sad about that, I can't even pay attention to the fact that I'm walking through the store and the surgeon comes down the hall and I'm like, “Where's the chaplain? I don't know what's going on.” And he goes, "Ivy did great. No, no, no. Ivy's over there. She's fine. I'm literally removing a cleft palate in the other room, but she's fine.” And I'm like, [chuckles] “You French-Canadians.” [audience laughter] I proceed to see Ivy. She's just sitting on this huge table, and she looks exactly the same. And I'm like, “That was eight hours.” [audience laughter] But little did I know she would continue to develop and the swelling would go down. But I was like, “God, she's so beautiful. Man, she got prettier. What you all do?”

They removed this towel, and I see her scar for the first time. They weren't joking. It was literally from one ear swirly line to the other ear. It was thick and it was bloody and it was scary, but it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. And that night, I got to stay with her in the PICU at Children's Hospital. It was easily, easily the best day of my life. So, the next morning, the neurosurgeon comes in and says, "Hey, how's it going?" And I'm like, “Something profound. Say something profound. She saved your daughter's life.” “Hey,” that's all I said. [audience laughter] And I said, [chuckles] "What's going on?" And she goes, "Ivy looks great." And I said, "Yeah, I have a question. Why didn't you shave her hair?” Like, “She still has her hair."

And she goes, "Oh, Dr. St. Hilaire, the plastic surgeon, he is such a sucker for little baby girls. He will do anything he can to not shave their hair. He has five daughters, so he gets it." I'm like, "I don't know what he gets, but--" I was like, “Really?” Like, “He thought of that.” Like, “He was opening up my daughter's skull, touching her brain, completely changing the way she looked and he thought about not shaving her hair." And so, I think about Ivy's hair now, and how it's growing and how it covers her scar that you can barely see anymore. And I'm like, "Man, if that hair could talk, it would tell literally the greatest story of the bravest girl in the world." Thank you [sobs].

[cheers and applause]

Jenifer: [00:45:45] That was Melanie Kostrzewa. Her daughter Ivy is thriving, as is her love for the surgeons who saved her life. I gave Melanie a call to talk a bit more about the story. I wanted to know more about Ivy's doctors at Children's Hospital in New Orleans. 

Do you mind? What's his name? What are their names?

Melanie: [00:46:03] Hugo St-Hilaire, So Dr. St-Hilaire is the plastic surgeon. And then, Dr. Lori McBride was the pediatric neurosurgeon. And so, I've seen Dr. McBride, at the grocery store, and I about fell apart. I'm like, “I can't see you in the setting. You touched her brain. Like, this is weird, I'm buying melons. I can't--" [chuckles] But when we see them at our yearly appointment, I get so excited. I want to catch up with them and get a drink or something. [laughs] But always very grateful, because their work was flawless and intense, and they just were really fantastic. And Ivy's three now, three in a few months, and you would never know. You can't even see the scar anymore.

Jenifer: [00:46:55] So adorable. Beautiful little girl.

Melanie: [00:46:57] I know the most recent one, she's got this short-- It's really curly blonde hair, but it just sits there. If I look for her scar, which I can find it, I have to sift through all these tangled curls and I can barely see it now. When it started to fade, I almost missed it, because it was such a mark of this amazing thing that she did. She didn't know what she was doing, and a badge of bravery, if you will. So, yeah, it was a very special thing. And then, someone asked once like, “If you could have Ivy be born again and not have it, what would you do it?” And I was like, “Well, that's insane. But I'm so thankful for the entire journey.”

Now, I'm going to cry. [sobs] Yeah, I was just very grateful for how it strengthened our family and just strengthened just my faith in God that He was going to take care of her. So, I try not to cry in my story. I did a couple times, [chuckles] but yeah, it was just being really fragile and vulnerable when dealing with something. And having to make the decisions for somebody who couldn't was an intense responsibility, but oddly an honor and a privilege to be her mom through it.

Jenifer: [00:48:26] That's all you could be, you know? You had to help make the right decisions, and then just be there, and be present and in the moment.

Melanie: [00:48:33] When she has her tantrums now, I'm like, "Oh, Ivy, you have no idea. [laughs] You have no idea that that's not hard, because you got strawberry yogurt and not peach. That's not hard. [laughs] Let me tell you about hard. You already did it.”

[melodious music]

Jenifer: [00:48:49] To hear more of my interview with Melanie Kostrzewa, including the wonderful Instagram kismet that Melanie met a mother in Australia who had gone through the exact same surgery with her young daughter just three months before Ivy went in, visit themoth.org. 

Does this story or any of the stories you've heard this hour make you think of your own story? Remember the formula, place and problem. You got this. Once you think of your pitch, call us. You can pitch us your person, place, problem story by recording it right on our site or call 877-799-M-O-T-H. That's 877-799-6684. The best pitches are developed for Moth shows all around the world.

Therese: [00:49:35] Hi, my name is Therese Wood. I'm a registered nurse, case manager. And about 12 years ago, I had a young man in his 20s come to me at the assisted living where I worked. Said his dad had early onset Alzheimer's, and was very declined and needed to be placed. But he wanted to preserve his dignity and he didn't know how to do it. His dad was a physician, well loved, well-traveled and still thought he was a physician though he was going to daycare every day. So, I brought him into the assisted living and I faked an interview with him. 

I told him that we had an opening for an onsite physician and toured him around the facility, introduced him to all the staff. I showed him an empty room, told him that would be his office, took him back to the main office, got out of employment form and then broke the news to him that we couldn't pay him, but we could offer him room and board in exchange for his services. He was tickled. He was thrilled. His son was in tears and thanked me, and he signed and moved in two days later.

Jenifer: [00:50:42] Remember, you can pitch us at 877-799-M-O-T-H or online at themoth.org. 

That's it for this episode of The Moth Radio Hour. We hope you'll join next time.

[Uncanny Valley by The Drift]

Jay: [00:51:06] Your host this hour was Jenifer Hixson. The rest of The Moth's directorial staff includes Catherine Burns, Sarah Haberman, Sarah Austin Jenness and Meg Bowles. Production support from Timothy Lou Ly. 

Moth stories are true, as remembered and affirmed by the storytellers. Our theme music is by The Drift. Other music in this hour from Duke Levine, John Scofield, The Chandler Travis Philharmonic and Gustavo Santaolalla. You can find links to all the music we use at our website. 

The Moth Radio Hour is produced by me, Jay Allison, with Viki Merrick at Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts. This hour was produced with funds from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, the National Endowment for the Arts and the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, committed to building a more just, verdant and peaceful world. The Moth Radio Hour is presented by PRX. To find out more about our podcast, to get information on how to pitch your own story and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org.