Host: CJ Hunt

CJ: [00:00:00] Welcome to The Moth Podcast. I'm CJ Hunt, filling in for Dan Kennedy. 

 Sometimes, despite our best intentions and motivations, things just don't turn out the way we imagine them being. That's why on this week's episode, we are sharing two stories about our stumbles and gaffes, the little things that we do that make us go, “Oh, God, I am so sorry.” 

Our first story comes to us from a Louisville StorySLAM, where the theme of the night was Balance. Here is Jami Bernat-Frye Cates, live at The Moth.

[applause]

Jami: [00:00:36] Hi, y’all. So, I should have worn underwear. [audience chuckles] I saw one look right there, and that's not tonight. That's when the story occurred. I’m covered tonight. [audience laughter] The night that this occurred, I should have worn underwear. 

I was in Chicago on my way to a date with a man that I met online, and I was determined to make it work. I hadn't quite yet defined for myself what determined might mean, whether it was not make a fool of myself or go as far as marry him, reproduce and buy property. But I was determined. [audience laughter] And looking back on it, my determination translated into an outfit that made me seem like I took myself way too seriously, especially for early evening in summer on Tuesday night in Bucktown, Chicago.

So, I had worn a vintage top, a pencil skirt, ridiculous heels and then I wore Spanx. And if you're not familiar with Spanx, they are this kind of boxer brief type spandex, nylon, sweaty, smelly elastic underwear for women that sucks everything in and pushes it up. And some versions of Spanx have a flap in the crotch that enables you to pee quickly. Kind of like men's briefs or boxer shorts. Yeah. [audience laughter] 

So, I'm on my way to this date, and I get to the intersection of Milwaukee, Damen, and North, quite frankly, possibly the busiest intersection in Chicago, as my date later says. I see him, he's across the street. He's tall and he's handsome. We lock eyes and I watch as his face falls, as he apparently does not like what he sees. I pull myself together. I am burning with that peculiar shame and embarrassment that happens only when you put yourself out there and you do not succeed. Or, even worse, when you're dating and someone finds you less than desirable. 

I summon up my courage. I get my balance squared. I walk across the street, and he proceeds to be the biggest douchebag I have ever been on a date with. [audience laughter] But I am in Bucktown, and there are hipsters everywhere and I am wearing vintage. So, I'm like, “Fuck this. We're going to keep going, and we're going to have a drink.” [audience laughter] So, I don't feel as good as that sounds. He won't look me in the eye. He's walking two steps in front of me. He's barely making conversation with me. I'm having this mental con where voice one says, "Jami, what are you doing? Get the hell out of here. You've still got your dignity." Voice two says, "I'm in Spanx. I am going to have a drink." [audience laughter] 

And we go to the curb to step off the curb. And if you've not been in that neighborhood, there are some antique fucking curbs. I swear they are two feet tall in some places. We're stepping off such a curb and I am feeling horrible. But even worse, I feel my lower body go offline. It is like everything from the waist down has stopped responding to me. And I'm like, “Oh, shit, I'm going to fall.” As I lose my balance and pitch forward, I say something faintly, I'm sure, because I'm upset as hell. The traffic just blares it out and I reach for him and I reach for his sleeve. 

He literally steps just out of my reach, as I fall forward and face plant in the street across from a Channel 5 news truck [audience aww] doing a live feed. The other way though. They were pointing the other way. [audience laughter] It's a yard sale fall. I lose my sunglasses, I lose my heels, I lose my purse. My arms come out, I bust my nose and my chin, my legs come apart and my skirt comes up way up. In fact, it rolls up like a window shade above my waist. [audience laughter] I feel heat on a part of me that is not used to feeling sunlight and summer heat. [audience laughter]

As I'm laying there, I sort of have an out of body experience. [audience laughter] I suddenly become aware of what I must look like from above. [audience laughter] As traffic speeds in front of me, I wonder, what must I look like to the people at the diner behind me with window seating? What must I look like to this man? I know it can't be good. My thighs with that awkward hard line of the elastic of the Spanx crushing my cellulite into weird patterns. [audience laughter] And what my crotch must look like bursting forth from my Spanx. [audience laughter] 

I come back to myself. But as I do, I have a philosophical moment and it's, "Jami, this must be a message from the universe. Jami, he literally stepped out of your reach. Jami, he's a fucking douchebag." [audience laughter] I realized the grand message must be, besides underwear and other things related, that I need to pick myself up, shake it off, regain my balance and reconsider what type of person should be within my reach. Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

CJ: [00:06:06] Jami now teaches computer science and keeps the internet running at a small, very understanding high school with flat sidewalks and low curbs. Thank God, she hasn't been back to the intersection in Chicago where she fell, but she did meet a very nice lady who witnessed the fall from behind and was still able to look her in the eyes. Jami continues to write and tell stories, believing in the power of stories to remind you that no matter how bad the fall, you're not the only one. 

Up next, a story from a young teen in dire need of a phone. Samuel Leighton-Dore shared his story at a Sydney StorySLAM. The theme of the night was Risk. Here's Samuel.

[cheers and applause] 

Samuel: [00:06:51] I've always been a difficult child, but perhaps never more so than the day I borrowed my mum's mobile phone. It's hard to believe now, but there was a time that I didn't own a phone. My mum actually had this rule that I had to wait until I was 13, which I thought was outrageous at the time, but it's understandable when you know my mum, because she was raised by a nun and a farmer in a small town called Urana, which I think on a map falls somewhere between Wagga Wagga and butfuck nowhere. [audience laughter] It was kind of a von Trapp family deal. 

Mum's mum died really young and a local nun moved in with my granddad to help with the dishes and raise the six kids. But instead of getting Maria, who sang Do-Re-Mi before dinner and sewed super fun playsuits out of floral curtains, [audience laughter] Mum got Dorothy, who was a massive bitch and [audience laughter] caned her ass when she misbehaved. So, it's perhaps unsurprising then that to Mum's mind, all forms of preteen communication should have been limited to two tin cans with a piece of string connecting them. 

Anyway, [chuckles] [audience laughter] fast forward to 2004, Casey Donovan's on Australian Idol, [audience laughter] Mary Donaldson's about to marry in Denmark and I am sitting on a sweaty Tangara train out to Homebush for my first day of school at Homebush Boys High. I don't know what it was about my shoulder length blonde hair having the wrong ear pierced and my vocal love for Julie Andrews movies, but I got beaten up a lot that day, [audience chuckles] culminating in a run in with a Tongan prefect ironically named Junior. [audience laughter] I went home that night crying and I said to Mum, “You need to give me a phone. It's no longer a social issue. This is survival. [audience chuckles] I need to be able to call emergency for myself tomorrow if it happens again.” 

My mum being a counselor is all about compromise. So, she said, “Look, you can't have your own phone, but you can borrow one of my two phones for your second day at school.” She had a personal and a work phone. She gave me the personal, because work is important. The next day I'm sitting on the train. The trip takes about 30 minutes, which is plenty of time to read the paper or a magazine, listen to my discman or read all of my Mum's text messages, [audience laughter] which I did. [audience laughter] 

And one particular thread of text messages stood out between my Mum and David. It was, "Nice to see you last night," wrote David. [audience laughter] "Thank you for the goodnight kiss," wrote Elizabeth, my Mum. This kind of communication would have been really sweet and endearing, but my dad's name is Bruce. [audience laughter] I was sitting there peak hour on the train thinking this is my one chance to save my parents' marriage. So, I did what any normal 12-year-old would do. And I called David. And he answered. And I said, "My name is Sam, and I am Elizabeth's son and stay away from my Mum, she's married and we're all very happy," and then I hung up. [audience laughter] 

So, then I called my dad. [audience aww] And I said, "Dad, I've got some bad news." And he said, "What is it?" And I said, "Mom's having an affair. I've got proof, his name is David and everything's ruined." [audience laughter] And dad said, "I'm in a meeting." [audience laughter] So, my second day at high school passed with minimal instances of being beaten up, which was nice. I went home that day, heart pounding in my chest, convinced that I was walking into a broken home.

I put down my bag in the hallway, I walked into the dining room and there were my parents, Mum and Dad, sitting at our dining room table, Mum looking devastated, Dad looking furious and I quickly realized that they weren't looking devastated and furious with each other. They were looking devastated and furious at me. Mum sat me down and that's when she said, "Sam, you know my friend Elizabeth?" And I said, "Yes." She said, "Well, she lost her phone last week and I lent her mine." 

And quick backstory, Elizabeth was a widow who was just dipping her toe back into the dating game. [audience laughter] Elizabeth had called my Mum that day in tears, because David had broken up with her. [audience aww] Fast forward to present day. The next day, Mum went and bought me a Nokia 3315. [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause] 

But to my knowledge, Elizabeth is still single. [audience aww] And that's why the risk is not always worth the reward, I guess. Thank you.

[cheers and applause] 

CJ: [00:12:52] That was Samuel Leighton-Dore. Samuel is the queer son of an epileptic sexuality counselor. He's a writer, filmmaker and illustrator, and he's currently working on adapting his many childhood traumas for television. So, look forward to that. 

There you have it, two stories about blunders and love. Jami and Elizabeth, wherever you are, we hope you found who and what you were looking for. And to everyone else listening, remember, it's never too late to pick yourself up and put on a good pair of underwear. Have a story-worthy week.

Timothy: [00:13:24] CJ Hunt is a comedian and late-night writer living in New York. He's a regular host of The Moth, and is currently directing a documentary on America's curious love affair with Confederate Monuments.

CJ: [00:13:35] Podcast production by Timothy Lou Ly. The Moth Podcast is presented by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at prx.org.