Host: Dan Kennedy
Dan: [00:00:01] Welcome to The Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. And it's almost Halloween, and we here at The Moth wanted to get in on the spirit of the holiday, so we have a special Halloween episode for you. Of course, three stories all about things that go bump in the middle of the night.
Our first story comes to us from Matt Mercier. And he told it here in New York City. The audio is a little bit rough from the archive, but I think you're going to love the story. The theme of the night, perfect for this week's episode, was Spirit. Here's Matthew.
[applause]
Matt: [00:00:35] I was once the caretaker of the last home of Edgar Allan Poe. It's in the Bronx. If you don't believe me, just get on the number 4 train to Woodlawn, get off at the Kingsbridge Road station, take a right until you hit the Grand Concourse, and there it sits. This is a little 19th century clapboard farm cottage situated at the northern end of a little teardrop shaped park, oddly enough called Poe Park.
I lived in the basement of the cottage. We called it the gated community of one. It was a large-- [audience chuckles] I lived in the basement, came out of my hobbit hole every Saturdays from 10:00 to 04:00 and Sundays from 01:00 to 05:00 to give guided tours of the cottage. That was the deal. You lived in the cottage, you got free rent, gave tours on the weekends. So, here's Poe's kitchen, here's his stove, here's Poe's rocking chair, [audience chuckles] here is his mirror, here's the bronze bust of Poe, very dramatic, you know what I'm saying.
Here's the bed that his wife died on of tuberculosis at the age of 25. That was really a big hit. [audience laughter] So, I loved it. I got free rent for five years and never had to do anything more than that. And so, I met many interesting people, including the gentleman who showed up at my door one Saturday in October. It was about 03:56 PM. Remember, Saturdays from 10:00 to 04:00. He shows up at my door 03:56 PM dressed all in purple. Purple shoes, purple pants, purple vestments and a large purple turban wrapping his head. It was waving back and forth and he's like, “I've come all the way from LA. [audience laughter] I'm a huge Poe fan. I know it's late, but I would really love a tour of the cottage.”
I said, “Oh.” I don't know why, but I said, “Sure, come on in.” I gave him a tour, brought him up to the attic, showed him the 20-minute video, left him alone for a while, let him do his thing. I went back to the gift shop, was gusting it up, getting ready to close the cottage down. About quarter to 05:00, now, it's getting dusk, we're in the Bronx, remember? So, I go back into the parlor, because I hear something. I hear a voice. I think it must be him talking to himself. I go back into the parlor. He is seated at the base of the bronze bust of Poe, seated in the lotus position, eyes closed, oming, all right? [audience chuckles]
I don't blink. I just go, “Excuse me, Sir, it's time to close up the cottage.” He looks up at me. He has these big eyes. He doesn't stand up. He stays seated. And he's like, “Oh, I know it's late, but I was wondering, I could ask you another favor. I know it's terribly late, but I was wondering if you would mind if I would perform a seance.” I said, “No, I don't really want to do that.” [audience laughter] He's like, “Oh, but it would mean so much to me in Egbert. You have no idea. I've traveled all the way from LA to do this. It's a perfect time. Do you know what today is?” I was like, “No, what's today?” He's like, “It's October 7th.” [audience chuckles]
I had gone through all the dates in my head, and then I remembered. I was like, “Oh, October 7th, that's the anniversary of Poe's death,” all right? He'd planned this. He was there. He's like, “It would be the perfect time. It would mean so much to me.” I was like, “Sir, I have to close up the cottage. I really do.” He said, “No, we have to--” He started showing me. He's like, “We call on the ancients. We call on the spirit of Edgar and Poe.” I consider myself a rational man. [audience chuckles] Logic and reason are my twin gods. Okay, but I lived in that basement for five years, all right? I lived in that basement for five years. I met my wife there. She was a tourist. It was a great end, all right? [audience laughter]
I consider [chuckles] myself a rational man, all right? But no matter what you believe, you spend five years in that cottage, mostly alone by yourself, there's something there, all right? There is something there and this man is going to fuck with it. [audience laughter] What's he going to do? Call up the spirit of Poe and then go back to LA and leave me [audience laughter] rotting in the basement in the Bronx- [audience applause] -with the spirit of Poe walking around going, “Why the hell am I back? I was much happier when I was dead. Nobody loved my stuff when I was--." I'm beside myself. This man is a big man. I can't just push him up. I can't pull him up. I can't call the police. So, what am I going to do? He's chanting and doing all this weird stuff. And then, I was like, "He didn't die here. He didn't die in this house. His spirit's not here. He died in Baltimore on the streets, drunk. You should go to Baltimore. They have a museum there with a caretaker there. You should go there. [audience laughter] I really think--"
For a moment, I thought I had him. He looked at me like-- I thought he would have known this, right? But no, he didn't. He's like, "What do you mean? Didn't die?” “No. "His wife died here, but he didn't. No. He's gone. He's not here." "No, no, no, we have to do it here. Well, we have to do it here." He's really angry now. He's like, "We call him the Spirits of Nature and Poe in Virginia." He's going on and on and on. I don't know what to do. I'm at my wit's end. I just don't want him in the house anymore. Forget it. But I really think he's going to do something. He looks like a professional. [audience laughter]
I thought he's really going to do this. I don't want the spirit of Poe in my house. It's my house too. So, he goes on for five minutes, I'm going back and forth, and finally he turns to me, breaks off his chanting and goes, "One more question. Do you think my car would be safe?" [audience laughter] I said, "Your car?" He's like, "Yeah, I'm from LA. We drive everywhere. I couldn't stand those filthy subways. I drove up here. It's parked out there in the concourse. Do you think it'll be safe?" I said, "I don't know. Do you have the club?" And he said, "The club? Whoa. Is it that kind of neighborhood?" I was like, "Buddy, where do you think you are? You're in the Bronx."
I never saw a man move so fast. [audience laughter] He was like a transformer. He just jumped out of that lotus position and shot out the front gate. His turban was flying in the wind. [audience laughter] I ran after him with my padlock, hopped out the gate, ran back to the cottage, sat in the parlor, looked up at the bust, talked to it, which I often did. I was like, "So, Edgar, you okay? You all right?" It was quiet. It was serene. Nothing had happened. And the spirit of the Bronx had once again triumphed over the spirit of Poe. [audience laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Dan: [00:07:09] Matt Mercier is a writer and storyteller living and teaching in New York City. He's worked as a hostel manager and fish packer, and he served seven years as caretaker and head docent of the Edgar Allan Poe cottage in the Bronx. He's just finished a novel about working for Poe called Poe's Basement.
Our next story was told by Brian Brown at a StorySLAM back in 2012. The theme of the night was Haunted. Here's Brian, live in Los Angeles.
[cheers and applause]
Brian: [00:07:43] So, they said if you listened really carefully late at night when the entire camp was sleeping, you could hear it. The sounds of Mookie the Monkey wandering through the cabins of Circle F Dude Ranch camp and sharpening his knives. [audience chuckles] They said that Mookie had been a camper at Circle F back in the 1960s. Mookie the Monkey wasn’t his real name, but he was this weirdo who only liked to climb trees. And at meals, he only ate buttered white bread. So, he had no friends until one day this kid, Jimmy, climbed up a tree in the middle of the camp. When he got to the highest branch, he found himself face to face with Mookie the Monkey. Mookie asked Jimmy if he wanted to be friends, and Jimmy said sure.
So, Mookie led him out of the tree and back to their cabin and he pulled his trunk out from beneath his bed. Mookie turned to Jimmy and gave him a really weird smile, and then threw the trunk open. Jimmy didn’t know what to do, because Mookie didn’t have any clothes in his trunk. There wasn’t a swimsuit or a towel. There was just a giant collection of knives. [audience chuckles] So, that night, their cabin went out to have a wrestling match in the woods. When it was Jimmy’s turn, everybody was like, “You got to go against Mookie.” He didn’t want to do it, but everyone was pushing him to do it. So, he grabbed Mookie in this hold.
And then, everybody was cheering and going crazy. So, Jimmy got caught up in the moment, and they shoved Mookie’s head down in the sand. When he pulled it up, he saw that Mookie was crying, he felt bad, he let him go, and Mookie ran off into the woods. They searched for hours and nobody could find him. After a while, they took the kids back to their cabin and they kept searching for Mookie. And then, Jimmy remembered what Mookie had shown him. He ran to his bed, he pulled the trunk out from beneath it and he opened it. And none of the other kids could understand why Jimmy was so upset, because it was just an empty trunk. You can figure out where it goes from there. Mookie comes back, kills everybody, and is now said to wander the woods of Circle F looking for his next victim.
He also made my life a living hell, because summer after I graduated from college, I was a camp counselor at Circle F, and I was in charge of the youngest cabin. So, it was a dozen seven-year-olds and I was in charge for an entire summer. And Mookie the Monkey scared the hell out of them. [audience chuckles] Every night, they’d be up in the rafters, pointing to hand and footprints, saying, “Mookie left those,” completely missing the fact that they were leaving hand and footprints to scare the shit of themselves the next day. [audience chuckles] They couldn’t go to sleep.
I tried to stop it. I got word out to all the older campers that anyone who told my kids about Mookie the Monkey would have to answer to me. But by then, it was too late, just the name itself was too powerful. Just the name, the word Mookie, would make my kids cry. [audience laughter]
I was sleeping one night and this kid shook me awake. There was this kid, Brandon. He was the smallest kid in my camp, and he's just standing there by my bed, sobbing. And I'm like, “Brandon, what's wrong? And he's like, “Mookie.” I'm like, “You don't even know what Mookie is.” And he said, “But I know it's bad.” [audience laughter] And so, I had to stay up the entire night with Brandon.
And the next morning, I was exhausted and just fed up, and so I gathered all my kids around before breakfast and I said, "Okay, guys, do you really want to hear the real story of Mookie the Monkey?" They looked at each other nervously and nodded. I said, “Okay. But the first thing you got to know is you have the name all wrong. His name is actually Shmoopy." [audience chuckles] I was like, "Yeah." Shmoopy was a kid who loves Circle F, because everyone here was his friend.
One day, he showed his best-best friend, this kid, Jimmy, that in his trunk he didn't have any clothes. Instead, it was filled with lollipops. [audience chuckles] That night, when their cabin went out to make s'mores, Shmoopy decided that he loved Circle F, so much that he never wanted to leave. And so, he ran off into the woods and no one could ever find him. But now, he just hangs out at Circle F, having a great time, and he leaves lollipops for all the good campers.
And the kids had this look on their face, and they're like, "The older kids are afraid of that?" I was like, "Yeah. I don't know. It's so stupid.” Yeah, it's the dumbest thing ever. They were so happy, we ran off to breakfast and had an amazing day and slept through the entire night. Every single camper slept. It was amazing. And so, the next day while they were off doing activities, I got a bag of lollipops and I left one on each of their pillows, because they were great kids. This whole Mookie garbage aside, they were responsible for one of the best summers of my life.
And so, that night after the dance, as we were walking back to the cabin, they all sprinted ahead of me and I watched them go. I felt really proud of myself, because I'd made them feel safe, I'd made their summer better, I'd made a difference. And then, I heard this bloodcurdling scream. [audience laughter] I went running to the cabin, and I go in and all the kids were on my bed. And there was pile of lollipops on the floor. Brandon goes, "Shmoopy's real." [audience laughter] I said, "I don't know. Maybe." He said, "So, that means there's an old man who lives in the woods and watches us and just left candy on all of our beds." [audience laughter] [audience applause]
Which when you put it that way is terrifying. [audience chuckles] And so, I didn’t sleep again for the rest of the summer. Even on nights when my kids were too exhausted to climb into the rafters and look for footprints, I was still there awake imagining that I could hear it just outside the cabin’s screen windows, a sound so much more terrifying than someone sharpening knives, the sound of an old man watching my kids [audience laughter] and sucking on a lollipop. [audience laughter] Thanks.
[cheers and applause]
Dan: [00:13:22] Brian Brown is a writer in Los Angeles, and has emailed to let us know that "I now have a daughter of my own whom I can accidentally terrify."
Our third and final story on the podcast this week is from Joe Charnitski. It was told at our GrandSLAM here in New York City at the Music Hall of Williamsburg in 2015. It's a really fun night. And the theme was Now or Never. Here's Joe.
[cheers and applause]
Joe: [00:13:56] When you're a teenager in a small town, and it's the weekend, and you're a little bored and your friends say, "Oh, we should drive to that haunted, abandoned insane asylum tonight." [audience chuckles] Even if they don't use the word dare, you know what they mean. [audience chuckles] You have to say yes. There's no turning around. There's no turning away. There's no turning back. You ignore the voices of fear and anxiety and good old-fashioned common sense, and you say yes. I said, "Yeah, that's awesome. We should totally do that."
There were six of us on the adventure that night. We took two cars. I drove my Aunt Gloria's dark gray Honda Civic, which I think she knew I was borrowing that night. She started to get forgetful around this time, to tell you the truth. Years later, we realized these were the first signs of her early onset dementia setting in. My friend, Gumby, his nickname was Gumby. We called him Gumby. Gumby drove the other car, and he brought with him a video camera. He wanted to capture the ghosts on tape. I think this was more of a science experiment for him. [audience chuckles]
You had to drive down this long, narrow, windy, sketchy dirt road to get to the haunted, abandoned insane asylum, of course. When you arrived there, it was set against the moonlight with nothing around you but woods, and wind, and the whispers of your fears. [audience chuckles] As soon as we got there, two of my friends grabbed Gumby's video camera and they ran with a baseball bat that we brought, because that's how you fight ghosts. [audience laughter]
They ran to the back of the building, so they could go inside. Gumby and some others went after them. And then, I went at my own pace, a little slower. [audience chuckles] I wasn't scared. Don’t say that. I just was a methodical, pragmatic young man. Look, ghosts or no ghosts. Who knows what or who could be in an abandoned building in the middle of nowhere? But I was calming myself and I was saying, "Joe, it’s going to be fine. They’re going to go in there, they’re not going to see anything, and then we can go home, and have chicken wings and watch 120 Minutes on MTV like we always do." [audience chuckles]
As I was giving myself this pep talk, I heard a boom, a crash, a bang, a smash from inside the building, and I froze on the spot. I think I heard a werewolf in the distance, but that might have been my imagination. [audience chuckles] And then, twice as fast as they ran toward the building, my friends came running away from the building and they were screaming, "We got to get out of here! There are people inside!" Now, I don’t know what kind of people. Living, dead. I wasn’t going to ask. I just booked it back to the car with them.
Now, one of my friends was still carrying Gumby’s video camera. And it’s running. We played the tape later, and all you could hear was [imitates fast panting sound] and he dives into Gumby’s car. In the background, you can hear the screeching sound of that Civic tearing down the dirt road with me behind the wheel. In my rearview mirror, I can see Gumby’s headlights, so I know he made it out okay. Behind him, I see another pair of headlights which is weird, because we didn’t bring a third car. [audience laughter]
It’s now when I realize we are being chased down this windy, sketchy dirt road away from the haunted, abandoned insane asylum. Now, one of the guys who was in the building is in the car with me, and I’m like, "Dude, what happened? What did you see?" He’s like, "There were people in the rafters, we saw their faces, and they were throwing things at us. Now, they’re chasing us." I was like, "I know they’re chasing guts." I should have known, because you know what, ghosts are never the problem. People are the problem. [audience laughter]
Right now, Gumby’s car is on my bumper. I’m afraid he’s going to monster truck me over this street. [audience chuckles] But I’m going as fast as I can while trying to maintain control of the Civic, when eventually, we hit a curve the Honda can’t handle, and we start skidding, sliding Dukes of Hazzard style sideways and we crash into some bushes or small trees or some debris, whatever. Everybody’s fine. We all jumped out of the car. Gumby’s car pulled behind us. All those guys jumped out of the car. We had our baseball bat, because here comes the third car.
And the third car pulls up and the driver yells out the window, "Are you guys okay? Did you have a crash? What’s the matter?" It’s like a dude, like a suburban dad. It’s a coincidence. He’s on this road. [audience laughter] And we’re like, "Yeah, we’re fine, get out of here. You’re not even a ghost." [audience laughter] The car had scratches along the driver’s side. The front left wheel was really mangled. It was drivable though, so I was able to get home. But if I was nervous about our ghost hunt, the true point of no return was on the horizon. I had to tell my parents what happened to Aunt Gloria’s car.
So, I woke up the next morning, and my dad wasn’t home and that was good, because I could talk to my mom first by herself. So, I took her outside, showed her the car, told her what happened and where we were and what we were doing. She was taking it all in. We go inside and she said, "Joseph, you cannot tell your father what happened to this car. He will never let you drive again and I am not driving you everywhere you go." [audience laughter]
So, as we were discussing this, the front door opened and we knew it was my dad. My dad always called my mom dear. Sweet, right? No matter what his tone or mood it might be dear, it might be dear. This time, it was dear, and we were like, "Oh, this is not good." He came into the kitchen, and he looks at my mom and he says, "Did you see what Gloria did to that car?" [audience laughter] I looked at my mom, and she was all business. She’s game face, she’s focused. [audience laughter] And I think it’s up to me. I have to do this. I have to take responsibility. I mean, can I really let poor Aunt Gloria, in her early onset dementia, take the blame for my haunted Honda car crash? [audience chuckles] Yes, I can. And I did and I got away with it. Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]
Dan: [00:20:09] Joe Charnitski is a Moth StorySLAM winner from New York and a writer-performer of the solo storytelling show Joe Charnitski's Funeral. He was also a producer of the short film series Exposure.
That’s all for this week. Thanks to you, guys, for listening. We hope you have a safe and story-worthy Halloween.
Mooj: [00:20:31] Dan Kennedy is the author of the books, Loser Goes First, Rock On and An American Spirit. He’s also a regular host and performer with The Moth.
Dan: [00:20:40] Podcast production by Timothy Lou Ly. Moth events are recorded by Argo Studios in New York City, supervised by Paul Ruest. The Moth Podcast is presented by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at prx.org.