Host: Dan Kennedy
Dan: [00:00:02] Welcome to The Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. Thanks for tuning in.
On today's episode, we have two really funny stories. I feel like The Moth is sort of famous for making people cry on their commutes. So, I'm always really happy when we have stories that make you laugh.
The first one comes from our education program, and it was told by Lydia Dubois. Lydia was a high school senior at the time that she shared this story. It was in front of a live audience of her peers, her family and friends. Here's Lydia Dubois at a special high school StorySLAM that we did at the Beacon School here in New York City.
[cheers and applause]
Lydia: [00:00:41] Okay, so, sophomore year, I thought I was this really cool philosopher. I thought that anything that I had to say was worth saying, and it was definitely worth hearing. [audience laughter]
So, I would come to school every day, and what better place to get material for my philosophies than my English class with my existential English teacher. [audience chuckles] So, one day, he was telling us about his senior class, which is about literature and human condition, which is funny because I'm taking that now. And he showed us a clip of a movie called Synecdoche, New York.
He showed it to us, and it was about basically this soulful black man humming in the background in this fake play, in this fake funeral scene where this priest is lamenting about life and saying, "The world goes on for eons and eons, and you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second." And then, at the end he says, "Nobody cares about my misery. Fuck everybody." [audience chuckles] When I heard that, I was like, “Wow, that is some great material right there.” [audience chuckles] So, I went home. One night, I was really stressed out about my homework. It was 001:00 AM, and I was a sophomore, so I still had that really, really strict work ethic. [audience chuckles]
Now, 01:00 AM, I'm fast asleep [chuckles] as a second semester senior. But I was watching that video. While I was doing my homework and I decided, why don't I Google the Synecdoche funeral scenes? So, I watched it and I stared my computer in the face and I recited the words and I said, "You are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Fuck everybody." [audience chuckles] I felt so powerful. I felt like I was this awesome philosopher.
And so, at this time in the year, it was also nearing the time of my brother's bar mitzvah, the time when you celebrate your prepubescent boy about to read and chant from the Torah, of all things, [audience chuckles] the Bible. And so, basically, family gathers from near and far and we have a priest from Chicago, because my mother, a rabbi's daughter, decided to marry a Christian. We have my rabbi, I mean, [chuckles] my grandfather, [audience chuckles] who's basically the mayor of Farallon. Just kidding. He's the rabbi of Farallon.
So, we have the priest, we have the rabbi, we have the relatives from California, we have the head of my middle school. We have about 60 13-year-olds. And so, we had the service, and my brother chanted, and he was amazing and we get to the party. And as a sister, it's my responsibility to give a speech. So, my mother gives-- [audience chuckles] And I'm a sophomore. I'm a sophomore with my hair straightened and my tailored dress and I feel everyone's telling me I look gorgeous, so I obviously do. [audience chuckles] And this is my chance-- This is my chance to say it, like, my philosophy.
My mom gave a speech and my quirky, bitter dad gave a speech, because my mom was there with her new boyfriend. So, then my dad gave a speech about saying goodbye to my mom family, "Bye, I'll never see you Jews again." [audience laughter] And then, it was my turn and I was like-- First of all, I'm preceded by my quirky, very good writer dad and my mom, so I wanted to like warm up the room. So, I get up there and I'm like, "Doesn't my mom look hot in her dress, guys?" [audience chuckles] Of course, she looked hot because it was this tight black dress that she totally didn't feel comfortable wearing.
And so, then I continued with the speech and I half-wung it, I said-- Eli, who's my brother, I said, “Eli, you chanted so beautifully, you've turned into such a great teenage boy," all those cheesy essentials. [audience chuckles] And then, I was comparing him to an Apple product and say, "People say never change, but you should always change, because as an Apple product, you get better and better with each invention." [audience laughter] So, basically imagine, like right here, there's 60 13-year-olds and they're all looking up at me. So, obviously as a sophomore I feel pretty empowered. [audience chuckles]
And so, I get to my grand finale, and I look around the room and I say, "Eli, I have some advice for you." [audience chuckles] And then, I get ready to say, and I go, "Fuck everybody." [audience laughter] [audience applause]
So, you've got the rabbi, you've got the priest, you've got my grandparents, you've got the head of the middle school, you've got my mother, you've got my father and you've got the 60 13-year-olds, not to mention all the people serving the food and a couple toddlers thrown in. [audience chuckles] And so, my 20-something year old cousins still make fun of me to this day. They're like, "Oh, who was that teenager that gave that amazing speech?"
I guess at the time I felt really empowered. I felt like it was really great. I was so thankful that my parents took it so well and didn't ground me. They were like, "Oh, you know, Lids, you do what you got to do, you're a sophomore." [audience laughter] But now, looking back on it, when I realized that I was in the midst of everyone who's ever cared for me, everyone who's ever done anything for me, my mom who I'm 18, she still packs me lunch, my dad who calls every day to see how I'm doing and told me that he would support any decision that I've ever made. [audience laughter]
My grandparents who call every weekend and tell me how wonderful I am even if I don't deserve it and my brother who looked up at me a teary eyed and said, "Lids, that's one of the best speeches you've ever given.” Eli, don't fact check that. You actually said that. [audience chuckles] I think about this paradox I created, like all these people that loved me and I realized that, Eli, that was the shittiest piece of advice I've ever given. Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
Dan: [00:06:13] That was Lydia Dubois. Lydia is a graduate of The Moth's Education Program and she's a current college student studying social sciences. Lydia says she's grateful for her mother who never unplugged the mic, and for her father for teaching her the F word at age five and also for her brother for always listening. To hear more stories from other students and alumni of our education program, just visit our site, themoth.org/education. That's T-H-E M-O-T-H dot O-R-G slash E-D-U-C-A-T-I-O-N. There you can also learn about our education curriculum, read blogs and even enroll in our All-CitySLAM for high school students. So, check that out.
Our next story comes from Louise Irving. She told this at a StorySLAM in Australia in 2015. The theme of the night was Payback. Now, you're going to hear mention of a combi, as in driving a combi. It means a van. And also, a mention of Alby Mangels. He's an Australian documentary filmmaker, and he's known for a renowned series of safari films that he made. So, here's Louise Irving, live in Melbourne.
[applause]
Louise: [00:07:25] Okay, so, I am a child of Melbourne's southeastern suburbs. And I come from stock that doesn't camp, doesn't garden and is completely disinterested in any kind of outdoor, rugged outdoor activity. [audience chuckles] And up until I was about 19-- Oh, actually, when I was 19 rather, I fell in with a group of combi driving hippies who had really mad Boy Scout skills. [audience chuckles] From that point on I, or my ego at least, has been quite wedded to the idea that I'm half earth mother, half Alby Mangels. [audience chuckles] The ego is strong in me, but it is also perhaps a little delusional.
Anyway, fast forward to when I was about 29. I met a man and it was all wonderful and it was going incredibly. The first week or so was just a whirlwind and we spent all our time together. Well, virtually, all our time together. And the time that we didn't spend together involved me lying around and fantasizing about the perfect future that we were going to have together. And those fantasies had all sorts of components to them in a choose your own adventure type way. [audience chuckles] But one of them, a common thread, was Josh, because that was his name, doing rugged outdoor things in a wilderness setting. [audience laughter]
But sadly for me at least, it became quite apparent quite quickly that he was not going to shoehorn him. The actual human being that was Josh wasn't going to shoehorn himself into my particular fantasies. One of these reasons was, so he was an American, a city-dwelling American. He'd come to Australia and totally bought into the whole idea that every animal in Australia is actively wanting to kill you, [audience chuckles] which might have been a bit, maybe vaguely sensible in some areas, but he lived in Fitzroy. [audience chuckles] It was very difficult to keep the flames of my fantasy going.
For example, or especially when I would take him for a walk along the Yarra Trail there in this quite large hunk of American manhood who would-- I would have to like coax across this three-meter patch of quite well tended grass in between [audience laughter] the Yarra Trail, and Dights Falls in Abbotsford there, because-- I would even say to him, "Oh, look, we'll do it conger style and you can of put your hands on my waist and I'll take the bullet [audience laughter] if there's any snakes or whatever." Even that wouldn't work. But to his credit, he wasn't going to get on board with my-- just trying to shape him into something he wasn't.
He really stood firm even in our greatest theater of conflict, which was the Carlton Gardens after dark. [audience chuckles] If anyone's familiar with the Carlton Gardens after dark, it is filled with literally dozens and dozens of possums who are very, very tame and very, very confident. Yeah, they hang out in packs and stuff. [audience chuckles] We used to often use the Carlton Gardens as a shortcut from his house to the city. But to my mind, it wasn't really a shortcut, because we weren't allowed to power through the green bits and get efficient about it. We had to stick to the bitumen paths that were well lit because of the possum threat. [audience chuckles]
I used to think, come on, dude. But I didn't want to say anything, because I wanted to be a supportive girlfriend, all that kind of stuff. But it was tough. I was thinking, we can just run at that pack and show them who's boss, really. But he was like, "No, no, no, I've seen it. I've seen them go for people." [audience laughter] So, whatever. I'd basically gone and done some shopping in the city. I was by myself and so I thought, oh, okay, hey, I've got some freedom. I'm going to take the shortcut home and I'm going to do it my way. I had two bags of shopping.
Anyway, I was cruising through the gardens and quite heavy shopping, so I sat down on a park bench and had a little rest. And then, suddenly out of the shadows, there were about 15 sort of possums that just started cruising around me, getting into the bags and stuff. And I thought, oh, this isn't good. That's okay, I'll just shoo them away. So, I shooed them a little bit and they weren't affected whatsoever. And then, I started stamping and hissing. No, not a problem, they were just cruising in, nosing into the bags and stuff.
My sister rang me at this point, and I said, "This is getting really hairy, I'm going to have to call you back." [audience laughter] Hung up, and thought, right, you just need to start moving. So, I started moving like eastwards across the park. They followed me. Following me quite close in a quite scary way. And I thought, well, this isn't good. [audience laughter] Started speeding up a little bit more. And then, out of the corner of my eye, swear to God-- It was about 50 meters away, coming at the rate of knots, like as fast as a cat could run sort of thing. [audience chuckles]
I didn't know what it was. I genuinely thought it was at the time a koala. It was just this huge gray thing, [audience chuckles] but it was this silverback possum that was just making a beeline for me. I thought, this can't be happening. This stuff doesn't happen. So, I thought I'd test it and I started moving out this way in my arc. It just adjusted its angle and came straight for me. [audience chuckles]
Anyway, it was upon me in no time at all and was literally nipping at my heels, scratching at my shoes. I was running with these two bags, saying out loud, both-- What was I saying? I was going, "You cannot be serious. You cannot be serious. I don't know who you was. [audience laughter] And this isn't happening. This isn't happening." And then, I flew off the-- They've got a rockery wall there. I flew off that and across the tram tracks, just sprinting for home, and turned around at the last moment once I got a bit of distance. They were all just lined up there, like it was an electric fence, [audience chuckles] just doing this. So, of course, I got home, all a bit distressed and stuff. Needless to say, Josh loved that story. [audience chuckles] He thought it was wonderful and felt completely vindicated. The end.
[cheers and applause]
Dan: [00:13:57] Louise Irving is a community radio broadcaster, university administrator and erstwhile copywriter from Melbourne, Australia. She likes long conversations in bars, hiking, and men who remind her of Indiana Jones.
So, it turns out that was not the end of Louise's story. She has a few extra details that she learned from later that night that she would like to fill us in on.
Louise: [00:14:24] Okay, so, there is, I guess, a part two to this story, or at least there's some extra context. But when I got home after this incident, I immediately ended up regaling this housemate with this unbelievable tale of being stalked by this pack of possums. In telling him the story, I didn't even pause to put down my shopping bags.
The very first thing he said to me after I finished the story was, "Were you carrying those bags?" And I said, "Yes." As it turns out, in this park, this rather eccentric guy would turn up around 02:00 AM each night, and he'd bring with him several white plastic shopping bags. These bags were filled to the brim with old bread. He'd hand feed this bread to the possums. Sometimes, according to Jeremy, this housemate of mine, he would even lie back on the park bench with arms stretched out crucifix style, and he'd cover the full length of his arm with slices of white bread, and then he just let the possums run right all over his body eating this bread.
Just as an incidental aside, the guy would also sometimes bring this boombox from which he would play really aggressive sounding classical music, Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture that [sings]. So, anyway, as it turns out, these possums couldn't help themselves. They were actually just having this Pavlovian response to my shopping bags.
Dan: [00:15:47] Well, all right, that's it for this week. Thanks to all of you for listening. And from all of us here at The Moth, we wish you a story-worthy week.
Mooj: [00:15:56] Dan Kennedy is the author of the books, Loser Goes First, Rock On and American Spirit. He's also a regular host and performer with The Moth.
Dan: [00:16:04] Podcast production by Timothy Lou Ly. The Moth Podcast is presented by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at prx.org.