Host: Sarah Austin Jenness

[overture]

Sarah: [00:00:13] From PRX, this is The Moth Radio Hour. I'm Sarah Austin Jenness. This time, we have a live Mainstage from the Atwood Concert Hall in Anchorage, Alaska, which was supported by the Anchorage Concert Association and Alaska Public Media. The show took place in February. And it was cold outside. But as you'll hear, the crowd of almost 2,000 was very warm. The theme was Twist of Fate. These stories are all from folks who moved to Alaska at some point in their lives. Here's our host for the night, writer and educator, Jacoby: Cochran. 

[cheers and applause]

Jacoby: [00:00:51] Oh, my God. Y'all are beautiful tonight. And to be real with you, I can't actually see most of you. It's very dark. It's hard as hell to get to this place. But once you get here, it's pretty damn nice. [audience applause] This is the sixth time we've hosted a Mainstage here in Anchorage. But make some noise if this is your very first time seeing a The Moth live. [audience cheers and applause] 

All right. This is my very first time, not only in the great state of Alaska, but in Anchorage. And the truth is, I didn't think that I'd ever have an opportunity to visit this place. Growing up on the South Side, we don't see mountains. We do not discuss nature. [audience laughter] The closest I ever got to outdoors was some Girl Scout Cookies I bought two weeks ago. And it was good. Make some noise for all of our storytellers who are going to get up here tonight. [audience cheers and applause]

The theme this evening is Twist of Fate. All of the stories you hear tonight are going to be about the unexpected things that people did not see coming. All of our storytellers have a great bio in your program, but we're not going to read their bio to you. We're going to introduce them by way of a question. And that question is, “What was something you did not see coming?” When I asked our first storyteller tonight, “What was something you didn't see coming?” They simply said, “Being here tonight.” Make some noise for the one and only, Lamar Sloss.

[cheers and applause]

Lamar: [00:02:56] I grew up with a single mom at home, and only saw my dad probably on the weekends every now and then. Even though I grew up with a lot of love and affection, I missed my dad at home and always wondered, “What kind of dad I would be?” Because my mom was working, I got to spend a lot of time with my grandmother so she could get a break, probably from my brother and I. 

I remember sitting at her house some mornings and watching the Price is Right as I eat a fried bologna egg and cheese sandwich, [chuckles] a little grape jelly on the side, because I had a very sophisticated palate as a young man. [audience laughter]

I'd probably end up taking a nap watching The Younger Wrestlers in the afternoon. If I was lucky enough, she would make me my favorite soulful meal of fried chicken, hot water cornbread, which is boiling water and cornbread, and you zip into the fryer. Some of these northerners know about that. But good soaping up the mac and cheese and green beans on the side. She was always a phenomenal cook, but she always knew how to make a little extra money on the side.

In the summer months in Tennessee, where the air was so thick you could chew on it and walk outside and upper lip start sweating, she would sell fish sandwiches, and popsicles and cold drinks to kids around the neighborhood. I remember helping her run these orders out and seeing how elated these kids were to have a cold treat on these hot, muggy days. 

One day, I took it upon myself to follow in her entrepreneurial footsteps and took a box of chocolate that she was selling for a church fundraiser to my Christian middle school. I remember doing so good. I was taking a lot of my classmates' lunch money, and eventually, it would get shut down because apparently, you can't take chocolate and sell it at school, even if it is in the name of Jesus. [audience laughter] I end up going to business school, because I had dreams of going on Wall Street and taking everybody's lunch money. [audience laughter]

Somehow ended up back home living with my mom and not really sure what I was going to do. I ended up working at this Crepe Cafe in my hometown, and I made a lot of money, a good $12 an hour, plus tips. So, you can imagine my mom's disdain for me taking this position. But this is where I fell in love with food industry and just crepes in general. 

There's something about spinning the crepes, and the steam rising up, and you filling them with sweet and savory fix ins that really captivated me. I think something else that made me stick around was this fair skinned, blue eyed Alaskan girl, name of Samantha, that I would meet, that also worked there. Somehow, she talked me into moving up here, and [chuckles] that's how I'm here today. Yeah, right. [chuckles] [audience cheers and applause]

I worked in a lot of food places coming up here, because it's easy to get a job in the food industry. As I continued working for a while, I missed making those crepes. So, I talked my wife and mother into getting me two Krampouz French crepe makers for Christmas. I think they lived on my home counter for several months before I ended up doing anything with them other than making breakfast for myself and the fam. 

We started doing pop-ups around town, and eventually business was going well enough that I decided that I would quit my job and start making these crepes full time. So, everything was going great. I was top of the world, being a young business owner and still figuring out how to make money, but happy nonetheless, making these crepes. 

One day, my wife says that she wants a baby. So, I think, like most guys, we just follow along and start practicing. [chuckles] [audience laughter] Ended up having a son later that year. This is when I first get to try this dad thing out. My wife goes on maternity leave. Because my schedule is so flexible, being an entrepreneur, I get to stay at home with him during the days. We just would do my events in the evening, so I would do the bottles, and the diapers and take the midday naps with him, which is always a pleasure. Occasionally, we would go out to the Costco with all the other stay at home moms, you get some weird looks going around. It's like, “What's this young man doing on a Tuesday here at Costco?” 

Some people would give you a little head nod out of respect, and some people would be like, “Okay, where's your wife?” I would say, “I'm on dad duty today.” You see the look of surprise when-- it's cool to see a dad maybe with a toddler, but most people don't see a dad with a six-month-old out in the store. 

Elijah would then come with me to the shop, and we would-- as I was prepping, I set him on the table in his car seat and work on whatever the menu items were that day. He occasionally would come with me to a pop-up, and this one in particular, as I usually wrap our lives on my chest in a little Baby Moby. 

As he's sitting there, I'm greeting guests, and spinning crepes and serving the food. I look down at him. He's thinking he's probably falling asleep at this time and I just think like, “Wow, am I really a young black man here in Alaska making crepes with a baby on my chest?” [audience laughter] Not really what I imagined. [audience laughter]

But life was good. Business kept growing and we lived like this for a little bit until the spring of 2020, when the coronavirus stepped on the scene, and crepes not being an essential business. Maybe I think they should have been. I really became a stay-at-home dad at that time and watched my son, Elijah, full time. All this was cool for a while. Got to take the naps and play a lot of video games. Call of Duty: Warzone came out, so got a lot of dubs. 

But eventually grew a little tired of hanging out and took a page out of my nanny's book and started cooking food for family and friends to make a little extra money. So, I made some fried chicken, and some hot water cornbread, and sweet potatoes with marshmallows and the mac and cheese, which is considered a vegetable in the south, if you didn't know. [audience laughter]

Elijah, while he was a little too young to run food, he would help do some quality control and taste testing in his high chair. This is how it went for a while, until one day I got a call that the local cheese shop was closing Fromagio's. The owner, Helen, called and said, “She's selling some equipment and she liked me to come check it out.” I didn't have a kitchen at the time, but I just want to go support and see maybe I can get, like, a table or a refrigerator to store for later. 

As we're walking around the place, she says, “You know what? I didn't think about this before, but what do you think about taking over the cheese shop?” I had never thought about taking over a cheese shop. [audience laughter] I don't think many people do. [audience laughter]

So, for one, I didn't know much about cheese other than your basic cheddar, Gouda, Swiss, maybe a blue and brie. And two, I was a little lactose sensitive, so I don't think I was- [audience laughter] -the prime candidate for this position. [audience laughter]

Anyway, I end up, after a long seven days of deliberation, deciding that we would take over the shop. Before I knew it, I had signed a lease, and was in there learning probably too much about cheese. Did you know that there was like a blue goat cheese from France, or like a five-year cheddar or how toothsome a Gouda could be? It's not a little different dialogue than I grew up with. 

It was fun nonetheless. Business was great. We actually did more business than they had done. Not the COVID year, but the year before. I was at the top of the world. So, my wife says, “It's a good time to ask for another baby.” [audience laughter] 

She ends up getting pregnant. We go to this ultrasound appointment. As the doctor is looking at her belly, I remember her saying, “Oh, you know it's two.” Out of shock, I think we thought she was talking about 2 o’clock in the afternoon, but it was-- [audience laughter] We got lucky, and had a two for one and got have twins on the way. Pretty cute. [audience cheers and applause]

I remember as a kid, my mom would say, I would always tell her, “I got this. I got this.” Most of my life, moving to Alaska, starting the crepe business, reopening the cheese shop during pandemic. I did feel like I had this up until this point where I was like, “Okay, I might be in over my head here with twins.” [audience laughter]

Fortunately, the shop was doing well, and we had some systems in place. So, my wife would return to work, and I would be doing the stay-at-home dad again. Fortunately, I did have some help. My mother-in-law was off, or she had just newly retired. I would watch them a few days a week, and she would watch them another few days. So, typical day on daddy duty at my house is my wife goes to work, try to cook a little breakfast and coffee, get her out the house and have some alone time before mayhem starts. 

Twins would wake up or Elijah, depending on the day, while balancing, feeding the bottles and getting Elijah his breakfast, changing some diapers and getting everybody loaded up, and then doing Elijah's hair because it's out of control. We drop him off at daycare and no longer really go to Costco anymore, but we go to airport to pick up cheese. [audience laughter]

It's obvious when I'm pushing a double stroller in, you get some funny looks from people. Ladies, obviously, look at them. But then there's some like, “Where's your wife? You doing this by yourself?” I'm like, “Oh, yeah, we got this now, anyway.” Some guys, you get a little nod of respect from some of the cargo guys who have kids at home, which is always a good little pump up. But this is definitely the most trying time in my life. We're beyond sleep deprived at this point. I think Navy SEALs go through hell week. 

We're in hell season at this point with balancing, operating a cheese shop that I know very little about, and supporting my wife post pregnancy with a toddler still running around getting potty trained. Somebody said it, best when you go from two or one to three. In this case, you go from man-to-man to zone defense. That couldn't be more true in our situation. [audience laughter] But nevertheless, we persevered. As one day, I'm double fisting, bringing my twins, August and Abram, into the cheese shop, the boys, as we call them, come help me unload. As they're playing with my boys, I sit down and wish nanny could see me now and all the love and affection that she's given. I realized that I had become the dad that I wanted. Not only that I wanted, but the dad I never have and maybe the model for or blueprint for what dads can be. Thank you. [audience cheers and applause]

Jacoby:: [00:14:29] Make some noise for Lamar, y’all. [audience cheers and applause]

Sarah: [00:14:33] Lamar Sloss is still operating from Fromagio’s Artisan Cheese in Anchorage. After 10 years in the culinary world, he's still passionate about bringing new and old-world cheeses and charcuterie to isolated Alaskans. He's also taught us at The Moth, what a toothsome cheese is. It's chewy. Thanks, Lamar. To see photos of Lamar, his wife Samantha and their three children at Costco, in nature and in the cheese shop, go to themoth.org. 

In a moment, the Poet Laureate of Wisconsin is asked to move to Anchorage for love. 

[ambient music]

Jay: [00:15:49] The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts. And presented by PRX. 

Sarah: [00:16:00] This is the Moth Radio Hour. From PRX, I'm Sarah Austin Jenness. We're bringing you stories from our Mainstage show in Anchorage, Alaska, with theme Twist of Fate. Our host for the evening is Jacoby Cochran. 

[cheers and applause]

Jacoby:: [00:16:15] I hope y'all have been enjoying yourself thus far. When I asked our next storyteller, “What was something you did not see coming?” She told me, “These damn hot flashes.” Make some noise for our next storyteller, Dasha Kelly Hamilton. Make some noise, y'all. 

[cheers and applause]

Dasha: [00:16:48] I met my husband at a Spoken Word Festival in San Francisco. He was living here in Anchorage, and I was living in Milwaukee. So, we dated long distance for a couple of years, and then finally decided to get married in Homer, Alaska. The plan was to live in Milwaukee for a few years, and then move to Anchorage. You know that feeling you get on Thursday about those Friday plans you made way, way, way back on Monday? [audience laughter]

I was starting to get that feeling inside when it was my turn to move to Anchorage. Not for any small feat, I was in the middle of my term as a Poet Laureate for the City of Milwaukee, and had just been named Laureate for the entire State of Wisconsin. [audience cheers and applause]

Now, I had every intention of keeping my word. The promise that I made to my husband when we made this wedding plan was that I would not do a bait-and-switch when it was my turn to move, and I'm not going to walk away from a laureateship in 20 years of really, really, really hard work. So, we agreed that we would live separately for my two-year term, and then corona showed up. So, with everything else in the world going virtual, I thought maybe this laureateship could do the same. So, I made this pitch to the Laureate Commissioner, and I just remember him blinking really, really hard. 

Look, I'm not the governor or anything, but I understand that nobody wants their state rep of any kind, not in the state. But I made the case for doing everything virtually and he ultimately agreed, but told me to keep my Alaska profile low. Cool. So, I moved to Anchorage under the cover of COVID.

Now, going from regular visitor to resident was different. I wanted to like this city that my husband loves so much. [sigh] [audience laughter] Especially, because he really went all in and embraced Milwaukee. Milwaukee statistically remains one of the five worst cities in America for black people to exist. I'm not kidding. Black men, especially. So, it was no small feat that he came and made a home and a life there, and he actually thrived there. But I don't know if I could thrive here. First of all, everything that anybody really wants to do happens outside. [audience laughter] Anything that happens inside is decorated like outside with wood panels, and bear paws and moose antlers everywhere. Everywhere. Really everywhere. [audience cheers and applause]

The summers, I firmly believe that summers are meant for sandals and sundresses. My first summer, it did not crack 70 degrees. My husband and his friends got us out here camping, and having cookouts, and going to the beach and carrying on, like they don't know these are hot water, hot air activities. Why do I have on a hoodie right now? So, picture me. I'm dressed like February in July, and I am just silently glaring out of the window. My husband comes to the room and sees this, and he says, “You know what? Let's go fishing.” [audience laughter]

Now, there's nobody else in the house. But I'm looking around anyway, because he can't be talking. He's is talking to me. Oh, this is a desperate man right now. Okay. What's one more Alaskan disappointment? If it will please my wonderful husband and give him one less day of worrying of whether I'm secretly planning to move back to Milwaukee. Now, he knows I wouldn't do that, but we both know I could be thinking about it a lot. 

My husband is the only important thing to me that's here. My work, and my friends, and my family, and my community, and my attention, and my summertime and everything is not here. But we're here together. So, I've got on fishing waders, Fuchsia lipstick, and a hot pink hoodie with Alaska across the front. So, my husband has experienced fishing, but he's not experienced. But he knows enough to get me started. 

So, we get down to ship's creek, which is this channel of waterways where the ocean touches downtown. I'm really surprised at how many people are down here after work. So, my husband gets me set up and he tells me to cast. And so, I cast once, tug twice, rear the back. Well, actually, the first time was a flop, because I was nervous, I was going to cut my finger and I realized, “No, Dasha, that's piano wire, not fishing wire. Get over yourself. Get it done.”

So, my second cast, tugged twice, reel it back. Now, my husband is behind me bending over getting his gear together. When I call his name, he assumed that I had gotten caught on a branch or something. But when he turned around, your girl's pulling in fish. [audience cheers and applause]

Salmon fish. So, we come in, we're excited, we lay it down, take our little fishy selfies and everything. There are these two women who had come down to [unintelligible [00:22:35] at the same time that we did. We had all walked down from the main road together, and one of them came over to me and said, “Hey, do you live here?” “Yes.” I look at my husband and he explained-- She's asking because you need to be an Alaskan resident to catch a king. “Did you know that there were different kinds of salmon?” I did not. [audience laughter]

So, this woman wants to say so much, but she can see that my husband and I are clearly winging this thing 1000%. So, instead, she just takes a breath and says, “You really want to bleed that now? Otherwise, the meat might be affected.” “I'm sorry, ma'am. What?” [audience laughter] She takes out a baton and a knife out of her waiter belt. She bends down, clunks a fish on her head, slices the gill, reaches in, snatches out this blood sac and leaves me to sit with this draining fish for the rest of the afternoon. Because the law says, “When you catch a king salmon, you're done for the day.” [audience laughter and applause]

So, I'm sitting back and I'm making a point not to be camped out on my phone, you know, everybody else is fishing. So, I'm just sitting, watching, taking in all of this scenery, all of this active quiet. On the drive home, my husband and I are just cracking up at how silent the river got when I caught my fish. All that cheering for everybody else, crickets for me. He said, “Yeah, babe, I think it was a sweatshirt.” I was like, “The sweatshirt?” He goes, “Yeah, we can spot tourists a mile away. No one who lives here would ever wear one of those airport sweatshirts.” “Excuse me, sir, you bought this from me.” [audience laughter] 

He said, “Yeah. When you were out there living like a tourist in Milwaukee. Never here.” Whatever. So, for the next few days, I got a kick out of listening to my husband retell my fishing story. So, I felt like a little kid though. Had made the grown-ups laugh, but wasn't really sure about how that happened. I just knew that I had caught a fish. So, I decided to take those pictures and post them on the internet anyway. I was just banking on the fact that Wisconsin eyes would just see that and see that I was living the dream, catching salmon in Alaska, like a vacation. 

But of course, I wasn't on vacation. I was at my new home. Corona was releasing her chokehold on the world, and now, I had to plan in person events back in Wisconsin. So, I'd been living in this double loophole, one for my laureate ship and now one for my marriage. I'd figured out how I would be in Wisconsin for the busy seasons in the fall and the spring to be available for appearances and such, and be here in Alaska in the winter and the summer. 

So, it wasn't exactly a bait and switch, but it also wasn't our deal. So, my husband suggested that to get our mind off of all of these sliding plans, that we take a road trip down to Seward. It is a beautiful drive. It's about two hours with the mountains one side and the bay on the other. We're going down to go snagging. The weather was still horrible. I'm still in a hoodie. I was just down for the road trip. So, for snagging, for the uninitiated, is imprecise fishing. [audience laughter]

Imagine a one-inch lead ball with three or four hooks welded into it. And instead of hooking the fish in the mouth, you cast out this ball and you snag the fish anywhere in its body. So, I'm now in chest waders for this trip, and I'm standing waist deep at the edge of the ocean. There's mountains on this way, so I cast this way a little bit. There are eagles on this side, and I cast away for a little bit. Seals are popping up here and there. Beautiful. Quiet. And then, a salmon yanks your line and this sucker's trying to make a run for it. So, now you have to reel faster and pull back harder, so you can make sure that you're trying to keep the fish a little bit above water level, so it doesn't swim and get away.

I am doing all of this walking backwards about 50 yards. Why? Because I didn't know about tides. I didn't notice that the ocean had crept in on me and land was much further away than when I had started. I lost a couple of fish with this method, but I snatched four salmon out of the water that day. [audience cheers and applause]

I probably caught 12 salmon over the course of that summer. And next summer, I'd caught maybe two dozen salmon. The woman that had come to approach me that day took my number, maybe to keep an eye on me or maybe she saw herself in me. It turns out that she is a former Salmon Derby winner here, and it turns out that she's a pretty solid human being. We've actually become pretty good friends. So, we both count down the months to salmon season and we both fish with lipstick.

Now, ironically, we don't fish together very often, mostly just checking in on each other on our progress. I will grab a pole and go down to the creek couple of times a week. Most times, I come back without a fish. But every time, I come back with a different clearing. You couldn't have told me that I would have enjoyed fishing, but I found it to be this active meditation. I'm moving, but I'm not. When I'm in Wisconsin, I realize I'm on the go all the time, 24/7. I got to. When I'm here, I'm at rest and I need that too. So, I still am not a fan of all of the ubiquitous moose decor. [audience laughter] bMy sandals and sundresses are still in storage back in Milwaukee, but I promise you, I have two Alaskan traditions down pat, fishing and love. Thank you. [audience cheers and applause]

Jacoby: [00:29:04] Give it up for Dasha, y'all. 

[cheers and applause]

Sarah: [00:29:08] Dasha Kelly Hamilton has authored award winning poetry, essays and fiction. Her work as an arts envoy for the us embassy has brought her to Botswana, Mauritius and Beirut. She's an alum of HBO's Def Poetry Jam and Poet Laureate Emerita for both the City of Milwaukee and the State of Wisconsin. Her show Makin’ Cake is touring now. And yes, you will still find her standing in waders fishing in Alaska every summer she can. To see videos of her in action, go to themoth.org. 

[ambient music]

After our break, a woman who grew up in Anchorage returns after decades to put the pieces back together, when The Moth Radio Hour continues. 

[ambient music]

Jay: [00:30:37] The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts. And presented by PRX. 

[ambient music]

Sarah: [00:31:02] This is The Moth Radio Hour from PRX. I'm Sarah Austin Jenness. In this episode, we're hearing stories from our Mainstage show in Anchorage, Alaska, which was supported by the Anchorage Concert Association and Alaska Public Media. Here's our host, Jacoby Cochran. [audience applause]

Jacoby: [00:31:20] Before we bring our final storyteller up here tonight, I want everybody to look to your left and to your right. You're the reason that this show has been going so damn well thus far, because not only have these storytellers come up here and shared a little bit of themselves, but you've listened with such an incredible amount of energy, and passion and support. And so, make some noise for yourself and all the people sitting around you. [audience cheers and applause]

When I asked our final storyteller tonight, “What was something you didn't see coming?” She said, “Two days ago, I ran into the wall at the hotel, and I got the black and blue on my face to show.” Everybody, make some noise for tonight's final storyteller, Monica Woo. 

[cheers and applause]

Monica: [00:32:28] It was September 7th, 1989. A phone call woke me up at 02:00 AM at my New Jersey apartment. My mother was screaming on the other end, “Joe, Jeanne, [foreign language]. “Joe, Jeanne. Kill. Kill.” It was only after a few minutes that I understood that my older brother, Joe and his two-year-old daughter, Jeanne, were shot in their own home in Anchorage, Alaska here. 

I had not been back to Anchorage for 15 years. I had no choice, but to go home and help my family. During the long flight to Anchorage, I couldn't stop thinking about my brother and our past together. He loved to eat cuss and tell jokes. He wanted to be a comedian. He adored our younger brother, Victor, who was 20 years his junior. And he loved to gamble. 

I was totally different. I was top student, I was serious, I wanted to win the Nobel Prize. My brother could get very cruel and tease me, “Oh, you ugly bookworm, you'll never be able to find a husband.” I wish my brother could show me some love.

Our family were Chinese pioneers to move from Hong Kong to Anchorage in 1968 when oil was first discovered at Prudhoe Bay. My father bought a Hole In The Wall restaurant called a Chinese Kitchen on Spenard Road. [audience applause] Almond Chicken, egg Foo Yung. [chuckles] No, I'm just kidding. [audience laughter]

Our business ran very well, except when Joe disappeared on his gambling binges and didn't show up for work. My father and Joe fought constantly. One day, I saw Joe going after my father with a kitchen cleaver. I thought he was going to kill my father. One very busy Saturday evening, Joe disappeared again. I noticed this light coming out of my parents’ bedroom. Joe was rummaging through the dresser drawer. On the bed were money and jewelry. I yelled at him, “You stealing again? You disgrace.” He lunged at me, hit me hard straight between the eyes and then he stopped. 

His nostrils flared like Chinese Foo Dogs. His eyes were a mixture of hurt and rage. Then, I heard dad shouting from behind me, “Leave, or we'll call the police.” Dad was pointing a gun at Joe. Mom stood beside him, crying. Joe cursed back, “Fuck you all. I'm leaving. You, not my family.” He stormed up. That was the last time I saw my brother alive. That night, I wish I didn't have an older brother.

As soon as I could enter university, I left Anchorage and avoided coming home. 15 years later, I was back on Alaskan Airlines and headed to Anchorage airport. The minute I disembarked; I rushed straight to the Providence hospital. When I entered the ICU room full of strangers, someone whispered, “Aunt.” A nurse placed a tiny bundle in my arms. I had never met my niece, Jeanne. Only recognized her from pictures. Around her head was a big, thick bandage. I averted my gaze from the bullet hole on her forehead. I held Jeanne tightly, felt her breathing so faintly, and then Jeanne died in my arms. 

I felt so unworthy of my niece, who waited so long to say goodbye to an aunt she had never met. I felt so ashamed of leaving Alaska. My whole family was falling apart. My parents wept day and night. I was not ready for the business of death, and I was overwhelmed by social workers, morticians and journalists chasing the year's most sensational story. I was in touch with the Anchorage police, especially Detective Ken. I tried to hunt down gambling haunts where Joe frequented on Spenard and on Fourth Avenue. 

Soon after, the police developed a short list of suspects, but seemed to focus one man. His name was Ming. He was a Taiwanese national. The police showed me his picture and wondered if my family knew him. We did not. The funeral was standing room only. It seemed like all of Anchorage's Chinese community was there. The funeral service was chaotic, free spirited and beautiful, just like my brother. 

I was so surprised how many friends Joe had, and was so touched by the stories of his acts of kindness, especially working at the soup kitchen. A middle-aged man came over and told me his story. He was homeless and frequented the soup kitchen where Joe worked. 

One day, Joe took his hand, placed it on his big belly and said, “Here, man, rub my Buddha belly. It will bring you good luck. Don't you worry” and gave the man $50. For the first time, I learned to appreciate a side of my brother that I didn't know. I wish I could have showed him more love. My younger brother and I approached the open casket. Jeanne laid on top of her father's chest. She was dressed in pink satin with a white Sash. Joe's lifeless arm held his daughter's tiny body. 

I had not seen my brother for 15 years. I wanted to see him alive. I wanted to see his eyes open, not glue shut. I wanted to hear his laughter, even his curses. I wanted to rub his Buddha belly. Victor and I paid our respect, the Chinese way. We knelt in front of a casket, bowed head three times deeply. 

I needed some air, so I went to the back. Standing beside me was an Asian man. He was the man in the police picture. He was the prime suspect, Ming. My legs started shaking. I thought immediately of sha jue, the Chinese gang tradition of exterminating the victim's entire family. Then, Detective Ken stepped in between Ming and me. When I was finally able to take a breath, I was so ashamed of my brother's dysfunctional life and blamed him for his daughter's death. 

I went back east to my corporate career. I did not follow the developments in Anchorage at all. My family told me that Ming was finally convicted and was sentenced to 198 years in prison for two counts of first-degree murder. The motive was a gambling debt that Joe owed Ming for $1,450. For many years, I did not mention Joe and Jeanne, and was hoping that detachment with doubt, my pain and my shame.

Then, one day recently, my younger brother, Victor, called. He wanted to visit Anchorage, but had forgotten where the cemetery was. I remember that years ago, I had shipped a box back from Anchorage. I opened the box up, took out the obituary and the funeral registry. Reading through the registry, I was reminded of how the entire Anchorage community of all races and cultures rallied behind my brother. 

I wanted to know more. I got the case file from the Anchorage trial courts. I read through the crime scene descriptions over and over again. I traced my thumbs on the fingerprints of Ming captured in the court records and wondered, “What exactly happened that night?” I'll never know the details, but I do know in my heart that my brother, until his very last breath, did everything he could to save his daughter. 

[There's one more item in the box from Alaska. It is a native Alaskan bracelet made with walrus ivory. Each link has the carving of an arctic animal, walrus, whale, eagle. The bracelet was a gift from Joe to me for my 16th birthday. In the Japanese art tradition of Kintsugi, broken pieces of pottery are put back together with lacquer and powdered gold. A beautiful new piece of art is created with its own unique legacy. 

All these years, I refused to mend my brother's shattered life with love and compassion. I shoved away the pieces with scorn. Tonight, wearing my brother's bracelet, I reclaim my past and I forgive my shame for leaving Alaska to save myself. Tonight, by embracing my brother's scars and wounds, I ask for his forgiveness and I forgive him. Thank you. [audience cheers and applause]

Jacoby: [00:47:53] Make some more noise for Monica, y'all. 

[ambient music]

Sarah: [00:48:00] Monica Woo has held senior executive roles at global corporations for four decades, where she says she's worked with fascinating and flawed individuals. She's a published author and a proud Moth Mainstage storyteller. By sharing her stories, she hopes to convince all people that life is not about survival of the fittest, but about evolution into better versions of ourselves. You can see photos of Monica and her family at themoth.org. Here's Jacoby Cochran to close us out. 

Jacoby: [00:48:39] It has truly been one of the pleasures of my life to spend just a few hours with all of you to take in your energy and your embrace. I hope each of you make it home safe tonight. Send me a text when you get home, all right? Y'all have a good one and we'll see you next year. 

[cheers and applause]

Sarah: [00:48:58] To hear other stories from Alaska, and from our archives, and for information on live events, and The Moth Podcast and to pitch us your own story, go to themoth.org. 

[ambient music]

[00:49:14] That's it for this episode of The Moth Radio Hour. We hope you'll join us next time. 

[upbeat music]

Jay: [00:49:33] This Live Anchorage show was hosted by Jacoby Cochran. Jacoby is the award-winning host of City Cast Chicago, Chicago’s favorite daily news podcast. And you can also catch him discussing news, sports and culture on Chicago's NPR and PBS stations. This episode of The Moth Radio Hour was produced by me, Jay Allison and Sarah Austin Jenness, who also hosted and directed the stories in the show, along with Kate Tellers. Coproducer is Viki Merrick. Associate producer, Emily Couch. The rest of The Moth's leadership team includes Sarah Haberman, Jenifer Hixson, Meg Bowles, Marina Klutse, Lee Ann Gullie, Suzanne Rust, Brandon Grant, Sarah Jane Johnson and Aldi Kaza. 

Most stories are true as remembered and affirmed by the storytellers. Our theme music is by The Drift. Other music in this hour from Regina Carter, Galt McDermott and Phil Cook. 

Thanks again to the Anchorage Concert Association and Alaska Public Media. We receive funding from the National Endowment for the Arts. The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts. And presented by PRX. For more about our podcast, for information on how to pitch us your own story and we hope you will, and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org.