Host: Dame Wilburn

Dame: [00:00:05] Welcome to The Moth Podcast. I'm your host, Dame Wilburn. 

It's our Halloween episode. I remember in third grade wearing my favorite Halloween costume of all time. My school loved to celebrate Halloween, and the high-water mark of the year was the Halloween parade. My mother asked me, what did I want to wear, and I said, “I want to go dressed up as my hero, Terry Bradshaw.” For those of you who don't know or don't remember, Terry Bradshaw was the quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers and took them to a Super Bowl. Now, it is not easy to get a football uniform for a chunky girl in the third grade. But without blinking, my mother asked her friend if I could wear her son's uniform. It was his practice uniform, so it was fragrant. 

However, we laundered it, we got it on me. Now, trying to find me the pants, that was never going to happen. I had gray sweatpants, gym shoes, the jersey. And then, when it came to the helmet, there was a debate. Now, my mother thought I could just carry it. And I responded to her, “Well, that's impossible.” Because if I just carry it, then no one will understand my commitment to the costume. That's when she decided to cut out the ear protection inside the helmet, so I could put it on. When I got to school, all of the girls who were dressed as witches and princesses, stared at me. The boys, they stared at me a little bit, too. A little bit of trepidation and a touch of envy, if I dare say.

I, on the other hand, thought it was the greatest thing I would probably ever do. I was exactly what I wanted to be, and I walked through that parade proudly. My mother never once worried about what I wanted to be or why I wanted to be there. But she was right about one thing. Wearing a helmet on your head all day at school can be a true pain in the neck. 

On this episode, we'll hear two not so scary stories that could only have taken place in costume. Our first storyteller this week is Bruce McCulloch. Bruce told this at a Mainstage event in Los Angeles, where theme of the night was Leap of Faith. Here's Bruce, live at The Moth. 

[cheers and applause] 

Bruce: [00:02:55] Hello. For my wife and my kids and I, we've always really loved Halloween. I think it's because we can put so much energy into our costumes. I usually dress in tandem with something with my son, Roscoe. I was Robin to his Batman. We went out as Hall & Oates. [audience laughter] He was the handsome one, obviously. My wife went out as a Picasso painting in the year 1960. Go figure. She's creative that way, and it's one of her outlets. She doesn't have The Moth. My daughter, Heidi, has gone out as a series of the Disney princesses. But lately she's grown tired of the Disney brand, which I really appreciate. [audience chuckle] 

So, we really love Halloween around our house except for last year. We have a family pet, Lulu, a white standard poodle. But if you're trying to imagine her, we don't cut her all poodley. We just let her go. She's a great dog. You just go, “Lulu,” and she'd run around. You could hear a little collar jingle. Well, in August, Lulu got sick. She had this little nosebleed that started sporadically, but started to gain momentum. And so much so that we decided to take her to the vet. He couldn't find anything. Still $70. [audience laughter] He looked at us and he said, “Oh, it's probably just nothing.” But in a way that in my head I heard, “It's probably just everything.” I wasn't paranoid. I was true. I was right, because that nosebleed would not stop. It just kept going and going.

We'd lie her on our bed on a towel. She'd always lie on the other part of our bed. And we'd walk her to the park, and her nose would bleed. And using the drips, we could find our way back home like Hansel and Gretel. And then, one day, she got up to go to the park, her little collar jingled and she fell down. She couldn't walk. Now, anyone here who's ever had to wrap a pet in a towel or a blanket and rush it to animal emergency, I will spare you the gory details. Needless to say, that a couple pieces of bad news and an operation that didn't go as planned. Our little girl was just hanging in. It was the next day. We were picking up our kids from karate class. We got the call from the animal hospital saying, "Your girl's in trouble. If you want to see her again, you better get here soon." 

So, we had to figure out how to get our kids from karate class and get all the way across town, going full blast without letting them know how freaked out we were. We said, "Oh, those people at the animal hospital, they just need some money by the time the bank closes," which was kind of true. [audience laughter] When we got there, I didn't know what I was doing. I just said, "Okay, she's probably asleep. We're going to go in. You kids, you just stay here." So, we went inside. They took us into a room I'd never been in before. And there was our girl lying on a metal table. She had a tube from her paw and one in her mouth.

And we said, "Hello, Lulu." And she heard our voices. Her tail flinched. It didn't wag. It just flinched. She had the impulse, but not the strength. Our voices comforted her, because she was blind now. We looked at our dog. My wife and I, and we knew it was all over but the ending. That's why they called us to come and put her down. So, we ordered the stuff, $70. [audience chuckle] We stroked her ear. We whispered to her. We thanked her for all the love and all the cuddling, for starting our family. We always say she started our family, because we got her a week before Heidi. And then, we held her before until we didn't have to anymore. Hardly a date night for me and my wife, but it was a shared activity I guess you could say. [audience laughter] 

Putting down my dog was the hardest thing I have ever done. My dad dying was a nuisance compared to this. [audience laughter] We went back to the car and got to the kids. Just as we got there, my wife said, "You tell them." I said, "Okay. Guys, Lulu's gone to heaven." My son said, "Bullshit." [audience laughter] He knows I don't believe in heaven and I'm a terrible actor at the best of times. We just stood there, all of us crying and heaving and snot coming out our nose. No one knew how to lead this family. We didn't know what to do. So, we just went to McDonald's. [audience laughter] I guess that's why they're there. [audience laughter] We drove straight through a drive-through, Happy Meals that really weren't. [audience laughter] My wife, wearing sunglasses with tears going down her cheeks, ate a Big Mac and babbled.

"I guess the calories don't count if your dog just died, right?” [audience laughter] it's weird when you lose a parent. You're asked to or you're told you can grieve for a year. but if you lose a pet, you're lucky if you get the day off work. It was particularly hard, especially for my young daughter, Heidi. She was doing badly in school for the first time. She got really dark, and her teacher found her a book to help her deal with the grief. Coincidentally and unbelievably called Saying Goodbye to Lulu. [audience laughter] What are the odds? I guess there's a lot of them out there. It was a story about a young girl who had a little puppy that died, and she ended up burying it in the backyard wrapped in her sweater for some reason. [audience laughter] 

My wife and I, we read it. It was a cruel, dark read, but we got through it. [audience laughter] And it brought up the obvious for Heidi that she never got a chance to say goodbye to Lulu. My fault. Of course, I kept her in the car. And then, the next few weeks, as Halloween grew near, nobody was talking about their costumes. Clearly, Halloween was off. I came home though, one day about a week before Halloween, as if the mood in the house had shifted, as if someone had opened up a window and let in some happiness and they announced that suddenly Halloween was back on, and they all knew what they were going to wear. 

My wife was going to go out as Frida Kahlo, if she hadn't been in the accident. [audience laughter] I don't know how she was going to do it, but she was. My son was going to go out as either a ninja or an owl. He hadn't decided yet. My daughter was going to go out as a zombie that ate Disney princesses, [audience laughter] which I thought was another strong move. They all knew what I should go out as. “You're going to go out as Lulu?” [audience laughter] As my dead dog and why? So, people get a chance to say goodbye to Lulu. [audience laughter] And I thought, no, I'm not doing it. [audience laughter] Make my wife do it. She's the actress. As a parent, you get used to being used as a prop. My Doris T-shirt became a Dora T-shirt a long time ago. But dad as dead dog? [audience laughter] And I said, “Okay, I'll do it.” Because when you're a parent, you just have to do it and hope for the best. 

Oh, and the other development is we're suddenly having a Halloween party. [audience laughter] So, everyone we knew could come and say goodbye to Lulu. [audience laughter] The day of the party, I got ready for the worst gig of my adult life. [audience laughter] I put on my costume and it was exactly what you'd think it was. An off-white tracksuit with some cotton on it, a white toque, as we call them in Canada, with some felt ears attached. My daughter did my makeup. And the last grim detail was I wore the actual collar that Lulu wore in life [audience hollering and laughter] with her little dog tags that you could jingle. I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought, well, at least I don't have any lines. 

As the party started, the doorbell rang and the first two people arrived. My daughter, Heidi, wobbled into the kitchen, moved around and puked. She puked a projectile vomit all over the island and on the floor. What Goes Around Comes Around isn't just about karma, folks. [audience laughter] It's also about the stomach flu. Some kids in class had it the previous week, and I thought we dodged a bullet, but apparently not, because there was a pile of puke on the floor. [audience laughter] I jumped into action and I told my wife to clean it up- [audience laughter] [audience applause] -in a respectful, uplifting way though. I took Heidi into the TV room where we conveniently still had the dog gate, like little bars so people could visit us in happy jail and we wouldn't get them sick and we could observe the party. We sat in there and we drank ginger ale and cuddled. I thought, this is all I ever really wanted a family for, was to cuddle and watch Little Bear. My daughter was so happy. She started talking and telling me about her life. She started telling me what she wanted to be when she grew up. I wanted to butt in, but I couldn't because I was in character. [audience laughter] While the party raged outside, Frida was moving around easily, and my son was entertaining people with his ninja moves, even though he was dressed as an owl. [audience laughter] We sat and sighed and cuddled. 

Then everybody came and said goodbye to me. Well, Lulu and me, and then they left. And then, it was just down to the four of us. My son, my wife, my daughter and I. She looked at me and she said, "Well, we're all here now." She looked at me and rubbed my ears, jiggled my collar and said, "Goodbye, Lulu." My heart both broke and leapt at the same time, because she'd finally gotten to say it. That night or middle of the night, I woke up with that feeling in my throat. You know, the feeling that you're going to puke in 10 seconds. [audience laughter] I ran to the mirror and I caught a glimpse of myself, some dog makeup still on. I know I'd gone dressed as my dead dog, but I came back as a guy who had done his best. And this time, it worked out. Thank you. 

[cheers and applause] 

Dame: [00:14:20] That was Bruce McCulloch. Bruce is a comedian, writer and director. Best known as a member of the sketch troupe The Kids in the Hall. He has directed shows such as SNL, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Schitt's Creek and Trailer Park Boys. He is set to take his latest one-man show, Tales of Bravery & Stupidity, to America in 2022. Bruce is currently directing and producing the third season of the CBC sketch series, Tall Boys. To see some photos of Bruce, his children and their dog, Lulu, head to the Extras for this episode on our website, themoth.org/extras. 

[00:15:02] Our next storyteller is Amir Baghdadchi. What up, Amir? Amir told this story at a StorySLAM in Ann Arbor, where the theme of the night was Haunted. Here's Amir, live at The Moth. 

[cheers and applause]

Unknown Speaker: [00:15:22] All right, Amir.

Amir: [00:15:24] Okay. Listen, this is going to be educational, okay? [audience laughter] Look, I don't know if you know this, but children are the future, okay? We have to teach them. We owe it to them to teach them facts, to teach them history, which is why when I was invited to dress up as a mummy and frighten some suburban school kids on a haunted hayride, I put my foot down. I was like, “One, if you consult the ancient Egyptian papyri, chasing tractors is not something a mummy would be into. [audience laughter] Quite the opposite. The papyri are pretty straight about this. 

And two, a haunted hayride gives these kids a distorted sense of farm life.” [audience laughter] It's hard enough getting our young people into agriculture right now. They're going to think, "On top of blizzards and beetles and droughts, there's the undead to worry about.” "No thanks, Pa. I'm going into social media.” [audience laughter] I don't blame you, Jaden. I don't blame you. [audience laughter] But my friend said there'd be some compensation. The job I had previously was cooking at a Chili's. I just felt that my resume needed something a little more impressive. [audience laughter] They'd be like, "A haunted hayride? That's walking and moaning. [audience laughter] Very nice." 

So, I go to my friend's house to get the costume going. And this costume consisted of three things. Some underwear, some bandages and there was no third thing. [audience laughter] Just underwear and bandages. And for a second, I thought, should I wear shoes? Should I have a phone? Should I have a wallet? But the papyri are pretty straight. Mummies did not have those things. So, it's just that. It was a dark night, a few nights before Halloween, and I was driven deep into one of those endless winding subdivisions and dropped off. And they told me, "Okay, just wait by this mailbox. When the tractor comes up pulling the kids, jump out and scare them.” I'm like, “Okay." 

So, I'm just waiting there, just trying to act casual, [audience laughter] which is not easy, because remember, it's not even Halloween yet. On Halloween, you could be like, "Hey, look, honey, there's a mummy by our mailbox. Hi." But it's just a regular Tuesday. I'm just trying to blend in, like, "Hey, just checking your mail. Looks good." [audience laughter] It's not. It's not. So, then I see the tractor rumbling up the street. There are the kids sitting on bales of straw, and they're in costume with lightsabers and magic wands and nun chucks. 

I jump out and I start following them, and I go, [makes monstrous sound] And the kids shriek, okay? Then I go, "I'm going to get you." And the kids shriek. And then I go, "I'm going to eat your face." [audience laughter] And the kids go quiet, like I crossed a line there. Even I'm like, "Eat your face. Where did that come from? Is that okay?” Like, “Did I miss some sort of haunted hayride training where we brought up issues of heightened sensitivity?" Where did that come from in me? 

And then it happened. The tractor begins to pick up speed. But this one kid, he was a pirate with a sword, goes, "There's the mummy, let's get him." And the kid jumps off the moving tractor. [audience laughter] And one after another, the kids are jumping off. They're going, "Let's get him." Just plunk into the pavement, picking themselves up, screaming and chasing after me. I just start running. [audience laughter] Up to this point, I had been trying to walk in a historically authentic manner, just clump, clump, clump. [audience laughter] But at this point, you know, papyri be damned, I am booking, right? [audience laughter] 

And so, you understand, like these children, they were not sweet kids. These children were out to kill. These were the children of the corn. [audience laughter] And not the kind of cute mini ornamental Indian corn. I'm talking big genetically modified cobs of the devil. [audience laughter] That's the kind of corn these children were children of. And so, I'm just running through over lawns, stumbling through backyards. Finally, I escape at some of those swampy bits in a cul-de-sac. I'm muddy, and my bandages are tearing and it hits me. I have no idea where I am, right? [audience laughter] I've got no phone, no wallet. And then up the street, this door opens, the front door opens. I see some kids. 

I just hurl myself at them going, "Hey, hey, stay away from me." And the kids are like, "Mummy." [audience laughter] And I'm outside like, "Come on, just let me-- I'm not going to eat your face. This is not-- It's not good." And I realized, I can't ask for help in this costume. Like, I've got to change, which immediately raised a really important question. Which of these things, as a parent, are you more afraid of? A mummy roaming through the streets at night or a half-naked middle-aged weirdo just jamming in his underpants? [audience laughter] 

And to be honest, it's a toss-up. The papyri are not conclusive here. I went with just keeping the bandages. Finally, after wandering, I limped and I found the Jeep with my friend. It was parked with all these other minivans. And the headlights were on and the flashlights were out. They're like, "Hey, did you hear what happened? Some of the kids jumped off the hayride and they just ran off. We don't even know where some of them are. What could have made that happen?" And I was like, "I have no idea. [audience laughter] That is awful. I'm going to tell you what, I'm going to get in the car right now and I'm just going to go, because my work here is basically done.” A few days later, I got the compensation and it turned out to be a gift certificate for, I'm not making this up, for Chili's, [audience laughter] which is pretty scary. Thanks. 

[cheers and applause]

Dame: [00:21:21] That was Amir Baghdadchi. Amir is a writer and director. So far, he's failed at nearly every job he's put his hand to, including paperboy, oyster shucker, scholar of antiquity, parade leprechaun, personal chef to a billionaire, resume fixer and candidate for public office. His latest work is always at amirforamerica.com. 

That's it for this episode. And from all of us here at The Moth and on this side of the veil, have a story worthy week. 

Davy: [00:21:59] Dame Wilburn is a storyteller, a host of The Moth Podcast, Dame's Eclectic Brain Podcast, and various live shows, including The Moth Mainstage. Her storytelling began as a way of keeping cool in the summertime on her grandmother's porch in Macon, Georgia. She has completed four residencies for storytellers, including at Serenbe in Palmetto, Georgia, and at Air Tres in Almont, Michigan. Dame has also presented at the University of Iowa and UCLA. She lives in a state of possibilities, and in Michigan. 

This episode of The Moth Podcast was produced by Sarah Austin Jenness, Sarah Jane Johnson, Julia Purcell and me, Davy Sumner. Our special assistant producer is Harvey Johnson Cook. 

The rest of The Moth's leadership team includes Catherine Burns, Sarah Haberman, Jenifer Hixson, Meg Bowles, Kate Tellers, Jennifer Birmingham, Marina Klutse, Suzanne Rust, Brandon Grant, Inga Glodowski and Aldi Kaza. All Moth stories are true, as remembered by storytellers. 

For more about our podcast, information on pitching your own story and everything else, visit our website themoth.org. The Moth Podcast is presented by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at prx.org.