Host - Travis Coxson

Travis: [00:00:03] Welcome to The Moth podcast. I'm Travis Coxson, Chief of Staff at The Moth, and your host for this episode. 

In the Gifts of Imperfection, my personal hero, Brené Brown, writes, “Owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we'll ever do.” This can feel particularly true for those of us in the queer community. So, in honor of Pride Month, this week, we're featuring two stories all about the courage to be your authentic self. 

First up is Tomas Davila, who told this story at our annual gala, The Moth Ball. I was lucky enough to be there that night, and you could feel the room hanging on his every word. Here's Tomas, live at The Moth.

[cheers and applause]

Tomas: [00:00:43] So, clearly, I was in the Navy. [audience laughter] But one day, I'm on my ship and I'm floating around in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and I hear, ding-ding, ding-ding, ding-ding, ding-ding. Now, for me, that means that it's lunchtime. So, I immediately drop everything that I'm doing and I run to the galley as fast as I can, because today is pizza day. And anybody who's been in the Navy can tell you that pizza day is the best day. 

So, I sit down, I take my first bite, and I'm sitting there and all of a sudden, that's when it happens. “[unintelligible 00:01:17] Davila. Chief wants to see you in his office right now.” Shit. See, no one goes to see the Chief unless you're in trouble or you're in big trouble. 

So, I get down there as fast as I can. Knock, knock, knock. “Request permission to enter.” He weighs me in. I sit down and I'm still trying to figure out like, what did I do wrong? He looks at me and he says, “We just received notification that your dad is in the hospital. He just had a massive heart attack, and we've arranged travel for you to get off the ship as soon as possible.” The only thing that's going through my mind at that moment is just not yet. I can't lose my dad right now, because there's just too much that's left unsaid. Before you know it, I'm on a helo and then I'm on a plane and I'm heading back to Podunk, Texas. 

Now, it's been about four years since I'd been back home, and the entire flight I'm just thinking about this tumultuous relationship between my dad and me. See, my dad is this really proud Tex-Mex, like Vietnam veteran and self-proclaimed cowboy. I was not. My dad was this John Wayne with his dirty cowboy boots, and I'm clearly Alexis Carrington -in some fabulous stilettos. [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause] 

Luckily, I had some younger brothers to take the spotlight off me. But when the spotlight was on me, I took a lot of heat. So, when I was in middle school, I was a band geek. My dad would always come to our school events. But he would wear his big cowboy hat and these really dark aviator glasses. All of my friends would walk up and be like, “Bro, your dad looks like the Terminator.” And I'd be like, “He is. He is the Terminator. You have no idea.” It makes me remember this time when I was in high school, when the friendship bracelets, those little colorful braided ones, they were like the big thing, and I had one that my best friend, John, gave me. 

Now, let me tell you about John. John was tall and skinny, had this dirty blonde hair and the perfect farmer's tan. Every time I got next to him, he had this perfect essence of Downy and Stetson Cologne. [audience laughter] It gave me tingles. But my dad saw this bracelet one day, and he just started interrogating me like, “What is that? Where did you get that? Who gave that to you?” And I was like, “Well, my friend, John, gave it to me.” And he says, “Son, you need to take that off. You don't want people getting the wrong idea.” So, I did, but I would wear it at school. 

One day, I forgot to take it off, and I come home, and he just flies off the handle. He gets so mad, “Didn't I tell you to take that off?” I start to take it off, and he's like, “No, throw it away.” And so, I just got mad. I was so pissed. But I did what my dad told me to do. So, I started to walk to the trash can, and the whole time, I just have to will myself to throw this away, because I can feel his eyes just digging into me. It's the only thing John's ever given me and I just throw it in the trash. I'm trying to hold back the tears, and so I just put my head down and I go to my room. But as I'm walking away, I mutter to myself, “I hate you.” 

So, when I graduated high school, I got the hell out of there as fast as I could. I was like, “See y'all later.” I joined the Navy. So, now, here I am going back home after I've been away for so long. I don't even know if I'm going to get an opportunity to see him again. But by the time I got there, his heart surgery was already over. In fact, he was already back to his old self. He's trying to get up, do things he's not supposed to do. He's fighting with everybody. He's like, “I can do it.” And in that respect, I'm very much my father's son. But I had to tell him, I needed to explain to my dad that the most important thing about me that made me me was that I'm gay. 

Well, like every gay little boy does, they go tell their mom first. [audience laughter] So, I sit her down, I tell her. And my mom's like, “No, you're not.” And she's like, “No sabes lo que estoy diciendo.” I'm like, “No, mom.” After some banter, I was like, “I know what I'm talking about. I'm gay.” She gets really quiet. She looks at me and she's like, “You cannot tell your father. You will kill him.” I'm like, “Okay, mom, you're being a bit dramatic.” But then, it just kind of dawns on me that, what if he gets sick again and I don't have another opportunity? So, I decide I'm going to tell him anyways. 

I find this moment when my dad and I are alone, and I just like, “Dad, I have something I need to tell you.” He's exhausted, and he's clearly in pain and he's just staring at me. My hands start getting super sweaty, and I'm fidgeting and I'm getting very upset. I open my mouth and nothing comes out. I'm thinking to myself, I can't do this. Clearly, this is not the time.” So, I just say, I love you, and I went and packed my bags and I just went back to my own life. 

Now, fast forward several years, by now I'm still in the Navy. And now, I got promoted. Now, I'm the Chief. I decided I was going to go back to school. I'm the first one in my family to ever go to college. [audience cheers and applause] 

Thank you. I got married to my beautiful husband, Zachary. [audience cheers and applause] 

AKA the roommate. [audience laughter] We started a beautiful home in Southern California with our two little pug dogs. Throughout that entire time, my dad and I would just have these sporadic conversations over the phone where we only talked about the weather and gardening, where it was just awkward silence. And frankly, you could have counted all the days that I had gone home throughout my military career on two hands. But when I finished my bachelor's degree, I wanted all my family there, my mom, my dad and my husband. So, I had to tell him. 

So, the night before my graduation ceremony, I sat everybody down and I brought gifts, because that's the way you break the ice. [audience laughter] And I told them, “Mom, dad, I have something to tell you.” I was like, “Zach is not my roommate. He's my husband. He's the person that I chose, and all I'm asking is that you accept that.” At that moment, my dad just stands up and he just stares at me. There's those eyes, and I immediately just hits me, you just told the terminator that his son is gay. [audience laughter] So, he starts walking toward me as I freeze, and then he just turns and he grabs Zachary and he says, “Welcome to the family.” [audience applause]

I'm still like, “What is going on?” He comes, and he grabs me, and he just gives me this big hug and he just says, “Son, I've been waiting for you.” I just started crying. We stayed up the rest of the night talking. I shared more with my dad than I ever had in my entire life, and I told him, I always thought I was this disappointment to you, because I wasn't the son that you expected. I also divulged to him that I kept this awkward distance relationship with you, because I was too scared that if I came out to you you would never speak to me again. 

My dad just shook his head and he pulled something out of his wallet. I look, and it's a baby picture of me. And he's like, “Son, you have always been my firstborn. I have always loved you and I'm just so proud of you.” Well, after that, my dad and I talked every weekend. [audience laughter] We talked more than about the weather and the gardening. He would ask, “How are his grandpugs.” [audience laughter] We would laugh. But one time, he gave me some relationship advice. He's like, “Tom, treat Zach like I do your mama. [audience laughter] Just buy him everything.” [audience laughter] [audience applause]

So, a little while later, when I retired from the Navy, he was there. Zach and I surprised all of our guests, including my parents, when we announced, “Tonight, we're going to have a wedding.” See, Zach and I had to hide our relationship for many years, because of Don't Ask, Don't Tell and DOMA. We eloped without telling anybody, because we had already watched the repeal go through once, and we didn't know if we were going to have this opportunity again. So, tonight only seemed like the best night to do this with all of our friends and family. 

Well, some of my friends and guests were shocked. My mom was pissed. [audience laughter] But I think she was just more mad at the fact that she wasn't dressed for a wedding. [audience laughter] But my dad, my dad had the biggest smile on his face that I had ever seen him have. He just had it the entire night, and we danced well into the morning. And I just felt, frankly, I know I'm the luckiest guy in the world, because that was the last time I ever saw my dad. 

A year later, my dad was one of the first to pass away from COVID. And because of the travel restrictions, I couldn't get from California to Texas easily. So, I had to say my last few words to him over the telephone. It was hard, but it was okay. But all I had to say was, I love you, and goodbye, because I had already had the opportunity to tell him everything else I needed to tell him. Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Travis: [00:11:36] That was Tomas Davila. Tomas grew up in northeast Texas. At 18, he joined the Navy and served as an electronics technician for 23 years. Following his dream, he recently completed the post baccalaureate pre-medical program at Columbia University and plans to apply to Medical School in 2024. If you'd like to see photos of Tomas and his father, check out our website at themoth.org/extras 

Our next storyteller is Ingrid Ebbesen. She told this at a Twin Cities StorySLAM where theme of the night was Chemistry. Here's Ingrid, live at The Moth. 

[cheers and applause] 

Ingrid: [00:12:13] Thank you. Hello. My name is Ingrid. I am 15. I know I look 12. Please don't mention it. It's my insecurity. But the story I will tell for you today does focus on a time in my life when I was around 12. I was just going into middle school. I was just starting to ask those big questions about myself. When I got to the questions about sexuality, I realized that something was up. So, as I began to realize that I was, in fact, a lesbian, let's go lesbians. [audience cheers] 

I also realized that I was a lesbian with a horrible track record, considering that I had dated two boys and no girls. Even though it was like elementary school dating where you shared chocolate milk, it was still like a point of insecurity for me. So, I vowed to my little sixth grade self that before the year was over, I would date a girl. 

So, as I was going through my first year of middle school, I had found kind of my focus. She was pretty, and funny, and we had a lot of classes and extracurriculars together. So, throughout the year, I start trying to build this relationship with her. Like, I'm trying to sit next to her in the classes, I'm trying to sit by her at lunch, I'm trying to sit by her before school. We're not really talking yet. I figured that would come after we started dating. [audience laughter] But this is all building to the moment where I finally make my move. 

The end of the year dance, which we pretty laughably called prom, considering it was just they turned the lights off in the cafeteria and an eighth grader DJ'd with a playlist on their phone. But I was waiting to make my move that whole year. When that night came, that accented night, [audience laughter] I started it off really well by arriving half an hour early and lurking near the front waiting for her to come. [audience laughter] When she finally did, I proceeded to lurk around her, waiting for a moment alone. 

It finally came. She was out on the dance floor. So, I slid up. I said, hello, would you like to dance with me? I don't think she got that I was trying to have a moment, but the reaction that happened next could best be described as a shitty baking soda volcano. Like, it almost bubbled, but then it just faded out and looked really sad, [audience laughter] because I would be generous if I was saying it was 10 seconds before I said, I'm sorry, I have to go and ran off to the bathroom to cry. When I got home, I wrote a letter. It was a multipage letter that I gave to her on Monday with a brownie that the gist of it was, I'm sorry that I'm in love with you. She stopped semi hanging out with me after that. 

Reflecting back on it a couple years later, I wish that I could say that my record is broken, that I've dated more girls than guys now. But if I had to tell the truth, I would have to say that I still haven't dated a girl. But I think I've learned something even more important, that I don't have to that even if it hasn't been confirmed, my sexuality is still a part of me that should feel good and not be the source of my insecurity, and definitely not something I should write a multipage letter apologizing about. Thank you all so much. 

[cheers and applause] 

Travis: [00:16:36] That was Ingrid Ebbesen. Since sharing the story, Ingrid has continued to be, both a dedicated Moth storyteller and a dedicated lesbian. Plus, what everyone really wants to know, she has been on her first date and her date asked her out first. 

If you're interested in more stories about growing up, you can always check out The Moth spinoff podcast Grown. It features young voices, conversations about what it means to discover who you are and of course, the heart of The Moth, amazing stories. 

That's all for this episode. As we approach the end of this Pride Month, I'm left reflecting on the tremendous strides we've made as well as how much work we have left to do. To leave you with one final Brené Brown quote, “Let go of who you think you're supposed to be. Embrace who you are.” From all of us here at The Moth, have a proud and story worthy week. 

Marc: [00:17:24] Travis Coxson is the Moth's Chief of Staff. On any given night, you might find him walking his dog along the Hudson River, calling cues backstage at a Broadway Show or cheering on Moth storytellers around New York City. Tomas Davila's story was directed by Jodi Powell. 

This episode of The Moth Podcast was produced by Sarah Austin Jenness, Sarah Jane Johnson and me Marc Sollinger. The rest of The Moth's leadership team Sarah Haberman, Catherine Burns, Jenifer Hixson, Meg Bowles, Kate Tellers, Marina Klutse, Suzanne Rust, Brandon Grant, Lee Ann Gullie and Aldi Kaza. All Moth stories are true, as remembered by the storytellers. 

For more about our podcast, information on pitching your own story and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org. The Moth Podcast is presented by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at prx.org.